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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Ex H having another baby…. Feel like I’m loosing my mind!

35 replies

BeChicPanda · 12/03/2025 15:27

Hi everyone,

please be kind as I haven’t used this group before but am looking for anyone who’s been in this position and can offer any guidance as I have no one in this position to turn to and all my friends are giving advice that isn’t working because they just dont know the feeling.

I was with my ex husband for 15 years, married for 10. We have a 14 year old daughter together and the cut of it is that it was the most volatile relationship and should have ended a lot sooner. There was cheating on both sides, violence and in general a really bad environment for our daughter which I regret being in for so long.

long story short we went to couples counselling 3 years ago and he confessed to more cheating that I didn’t know about, this was the last straw for me and I left him. He then tried to get me back until he met someone else 6 months later. He’s now been with her nearly 2 years and they are about to have there first baby and I’m distraught! I’m not sleeping, I feel sick and I’m suicidal. Not that I want him back at all, more at the fact that I always wanted more kids and never did so because I already had 1 and a man child. I’m now 36 and feel my time is passing fast on having more and yet here he is just moving on with his life and starting again. I’m gutted!

my daughter is so excited and is now even talking about moving in with him, his Mrs and their baby when she goes to college next year (he now lives 3 hours away). This makes it worse as I feel like I’m loosing my only baby because understandably she wants to be apart of her new baby sister or brothers life.

I guess I always thought I would be the one to make her a big sister and he’s taken that from me and all Iv been left with is a house to sell, which he’s demanding I sell as he needs the money and his daughter to look after.

he hardly pays any maintenance but does come up and see her every other weekend.

I just need to hear from others in a similar situation. How did you get through this? How do I stop crying over him simply moving on with his life. It feels like he’s out to get me but I know he’s not, he’s just living his life but I’m gutted because I feel like he stole the best years of mine.

thanks you listening xxx

OP posts:

HappydaysArehere · 12/03/2025 17:16

My goodness the escape should be celebrated.Hip hip hooray !!!!

BetterWithPockets · 12/03/2025 17:39

Endofyear · 12/03/2025 16:20

This is not really about him, it's about you and your feeling that you've lost the best years of your life to someone who treated you badly.

To move on, you have to accept that what's done is done and you can only look to the present and future. You have one life and all your energy needs to be going into making it the best it can be. You can't change the past and you can't change the fact that he's moved on and is having a baby.

I think you would probably benefit from some counselling for yourself. Your feelings are all perfectly natural but you don't want to get stuck in this place - you need to move forward with your life too.

It's lovely that your daughter is happy about the baby but she's probably also feeling anxious about her dad having less time for her, hence her thinking about moving in with him. She will need you too, you're still her mum. Keep being there for her and try not to guilt her about her need to be close to her dad. I suspect that the new girlfriend might not be so keen on having her stepdaughter live with them once the baby comes.

This…

MissDoubleU · 12/03/2025 17:56

CMS for child support, this is the very least your daughter deserves and set it up NOW. Like, yesterday!

Agree with PP saying take your daughter on a holiday. Enjoy her current age and provide a beautiful safe and fun environment where she gets all the attention, and isn’t ignored for a screaming poop machine, or asked to make sacrifices for the new baby. Create some beautiful happy memories before she’s at college.

minnienono · 12/03/2025 17:57

Within a short time I'm sure he'll get bored of this woman and child too and cheat, men don't change, bad 'uns remain bad!

Rejoice that you are towards the end of child rearing and can be you again, find your mojo. I was distressed when my exh left me but life is amazing now

Ughn0tryte · 12/03/2025 17:57

Some positives;
Your 14 year old will have a sibling that you do not have to have sleepless nights tending to whilst under the abusive home life you endured.
Your 14 year old will see how hard it is to parent an infant and this may give her some clear opportunities to discuss contraception when the time comes for her to be in relationships.
She's less likely to want to bring boyfriends home to her dad's if there's a toddler running about.
You have reduced her chance of triangulation behaviour/playing siblings off against each other as she is limited to seeing him in short spells and she's always got your home to return to if he does play those games.
I agree it's heartbreaking that you never got the family size you wanted. You spent years dancing around with this man-child who could have risked infection and pregnancies with the relationships you/he cheated with.
She gets to see what love can look like.
You get to meet other men who could be a step father if you choose it. They may have their own children.

IWasWondering822 · 12/03/2025 17:57

Your DD will soon realise that she has become the default baby sitter if she lives with them!

ToKittyornottoKitty · 12/03/2025 18:08

He didn’t steal the best years, you are still in them. Plus it sounds like you were as bad as him. Focus on your own goals and your daughter, she deserves far more than you’ve both given her in the past, so focus on her and yourself and enjoying her teen years with her. It’s great she’s happy about her sibling, but realistically it wouldn’t make sense to move schools when she’s quickly approaching exams etc, I’d just facilitate her seeing more of her dad and being positive about her sibling to her for her sake.

Your feelings are totally valid but there are bigger things to focus on day to day here

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 13/03/2025 21:18

Largestlegocollectionever · 12/03/2025 15:31

Oh my goodness, you laugh and celebrate!

Think thank god that’s not me, and that she’ll be stuck with him for at least 16+ years due to childcare and that you have nearly escaped him for good!!

Oh and your daughter will soon grow bored of baby crying :)

I don't agree with this

I'd feel exactly like op. I have a toddler and I'm not dating anyone and am pushing 40 and I'm really potentially not having another child.

If my ex was giving a sibling to my child AND my child then wanted to go and live with him I'd be feeling distraught just like op. It's so strange to think of your child having a sibling that's nothing to do with you. Op try and think of it like her having a new niece or nephew and someone to love and be there for her when you're gone one day. And to make cousins for your grandchildren.

Op all I can say is IF this all happens, you can get dating and you still have time to have another child if you want one - plenty of women meet a life partner in their 30s. And also your daughter would probably move out for uni at 18 anyway so it's just happening slightly earlier.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 13/03/2025 21:19

Ps your daughter is 14 not 16 yet she has plenty of holidays time to test out living with a baby and I don't think she'll like being the live in babysitter away from her friends for 6 firm

Orangesinthebag · 15/03/2025 08:57

Of course you feel upset and have confused feelings about this situation. It's really hard to see him having what you feel you want with someone else & to feel like you are also losing your daughter too.

But your daughter will always be your daughter & how you act now is crucial in maintaining that bond. You will have to acknowledge her excitement and be kind & positive about your ex's new situation. Don't display any resentment to her or make her feel guilty about wanting to be involved with her new sibling. That will be tough.

She may well find the novelty wears off as others have said or not. She may find it harder to share her dad than she imagines once the baby arrives. You will be her rock & her constant & she will realise that.

As far as your ex goes, who knows how it will work out. He is still the same man except a bit older now with the stresses of a newborn to deal with. It won't be perfect and it won't be a walk in the park for him or his new partner even if you imagine it is.

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