Counselling to end amicably not working

[GreenwayHouse]

Hi
My exDP ended our long relationship after giving me the cold shoulder for months. I desperately tried to find out what was wrong and he wouldn’t say. He is suffering from depression caused by a number of things though won’t acknowledge it and has instead blamed me for his low mood and has decided I’m the worst person in the world. He wouldn’t address any of our problems months ago and wouldn’t go for couples counselling to try to sort things out.

I’m losing my lovely home as I can’t afford to stay there and am devastated at losing my home and our life together. He has moved out temporarily (the only decent thing he’s done in months) after thinking we could stay there together until I can move out in the summer. It was impossible to be there together and far too painful for me.

I persuaded him to go for a couple of sessions of couples counselling to end things in a nicer way as I felt consumed by anger towards him for the way he’s treated me. After saying no initially he finally agreed and we had our first session last week. It was a disaster. He spent the whole time listing out how awful I was and the counsellor had us validating the other one. She only challenged one thing he said that was pretty awful. I don’t buy what he’s saying as he’s completely forgetting all the things I’ve done for him and his family over the years and has decided I’m just a terrible person now who didn’t care about him. I came out absolutely distraught. I already felt like I hated him and the whole purpose was to help me let go of some of my anger but it made me hate him all the more.

We have a second and probably last session next week and I’m wondering whether to cancel. The only thing the first one did was to show me how much he’s decided he dislikes me now and how much he’s rewritten history and how selfish he’s been. I’m not going to get any apology for what he’s done or for the damage he’s left in his wake - one upset ex partner, two upset families, me losing my home, lots of upset friends and I’ll be significantly worse off when I move out for a few reasons. He even turned the time after my dad died into being all about him.

Has anyone who has been for couples counselling at the end of a relationship found it helpful? Should I cancel it and save myself further upset? Or go and potentially hate him all the more? Or will I get more answers? Thank you in advance.

Thanks @pikkumyy77
I think what I've found so frustrating and upsetting about the whole thing is that things were really good up until last autumn. Then he got ill and had several other things going on that have got him down, and I was busy looking after an ill relative. (I've noticed in the past that, when my attention wasn't on him, either because I was ill myself (I was admitted to hospital last autumn and he went abroad the second day I was in) or because I was looking after someone else, he wasn't very nice to me. I've realised he is quite selfish and was never going to be there for me when I needed support.) It's so obvious to everyone around him that he's lashed out and blamed me for feeling low and I think that's added to the upset that I and our respective families are feeling.

I didn't think it was a case of it running its course as I can pinpoint to the week when he changed towards me and that was when he got ill with a virus (this was a few months ago but I don't think he's right from it yet). I've even wondered if it affected his brain because he became a different person almost overnight, yet he's rewritten history to make out that I'm this awful person who made him miserable and was controlling.

I think this frustration at being able to see what's happened has made me want to try the counselling as I wanted him to acknowledge this at least. But I guess I have to accept that he never will acknowledge it.

That's a good point about trying to seize the victim role. I think we both have been trying to do that. I'm very aware of not being on the drama triangle and I know our interactions have resulted in us moving between each role at times. I think he wants a rescuer now and I'm not prepared to do that, especially after the way he's treated me. I think if I was the kind of person who was prepared to be his rescuer, he might not have walked away from me. But I've been so hurt at how he's treated me that I decided I was going to step away. I think this has shocked him.

Thanks @Sunat45degrees - that's interesting. If I felt I could do that, I might consider it but I think the counsellor would step in. I ended up emailing him after the last session to counter some of the things he'd said because he'd accused me of not caring, not making him my priority, not encouraging him, etc etc. I could list many times when he's been my priority (see previous post about how I was admitted to hospital last year in severe pain but I sent him abroad on a trip he had booked because I knew he wanted to go) and how I've done things for him and sacrificed time and money and holidays for him. He didn't acknowledge my email. Everything I've done for him and his family has been forgotten.

The other reason for not going is that it's incredibly painful to see him and I think to heal I do need to not see him. I hadn't seen him for weeks up to that point. We have to remain in contact for a few months until I can move out of our house. He's buying me out.

The only two things I got out of it last week were:
a) hearing him say something pretty awful that reinforced to me how selfish he's been and

b) talking to him after the session and learning he's not doing so well. It had seemed as if he had swanned off and was fine but he's clearly not. I've been really struggling and felt resentful that he seemed to be ok but he told me two things that show me that he's really not doing that well at all (won't go into details). But that was after the session, not during.

At the moment I am minded to cancel but obviously need his agreement to do this. He was a reluctant participant anyway and he finds it difficult to talk about anything very personal, but he might say to go ahead with the session to be bloody minded!

You absolutely do not need his agreement to cancel. He was a reluctant participant and he has no genuine investment in the process. At most, you can let him know, as a courtesy, that you won't be attending. It's very sad reading your further updates. Something is obviously quite wrong with him. He has no positive feelings towards you though and nothing good can come from trying to stick with it. He sounds very destructive. You won't help anyone by going down the plughole with him.

Agree you don't need his agreement. Why would you? Just say it respectfully, to avoid escalation. "I've decided that it's better for my mental wellbeing and probably our relationship to not go to the therapy session. I know you reluctantly agreed to these sessions anyway, so hope that's fine with you. I'll send the therapist a note to let them know the session won't be happening".

I would cancel and invest in my own therapy to properly move on. Do it for yourself, not with him.

He sounds like an utter child having tantrums and/or sulking because "mummy" hasn't been totally focussed on him.
He's a millstone who'll soon be looking for another neck to hang himself round.
Family and friends are upset because they think he might roll THEIR way !

Just wanted to say a big thank you to everyone who took their time to reply to me. I really appreciate all the thoughtful answers you've given.

So....I did end up going for the session tonight. Last night I was 99% sure I was going to cancel it and I messaged him to ask if he had any objection. He was ok about it but then I felt guilty as I'd had to work hard to persuade him into going in the first place. I messaged the counsellor to say I didn't want to use the model we used last week and that I just wanted a conversation between the two of us and that's what we did, with her stepping in when she wanted to ask something or when one of us had talked too much (usually me...!).

I found that much better and I did get some answers tonight. They weren't direct answers but they did reinforce to me that exDP is not in his right frame of mind and hadn't considered the stresses I'd been under last year. I got a chance to calmly put my side across and he listened and, I hope, took it on board. I think he finally felt some guilt for what he's done. It did help to dissipate some of my anger towards him.

He's not himself at all and there are several indications that he's very depressed but he won't accept that he is. And I know that depression can make people feel selfish. We talked afterwards for a while and I pointed out to him then that he hasn't asked me anything about me for months now. Every time we've talked since he blew up at me early in December it's all been about him. I told him a bit about what I've been up to and what I've got planned and I think that upset him, because I'm trying to move on with my life and plan holidays and am catching up with friends etc and he's retreated into himself and isn't being sociable and has no motivation to do anything. I also think he felt guilty because one of the outcomes of my hospital stay last November has meant that my travel insurance has gone up to nearly £600 - I had to renew it today - for something that he dismissed at the time as being nothing (there's a 30-55% mortality rate for what I went in for hence the travel insurance went up so much, even though it was - hopefully - a one off).

He walked off at the end - which could well be the last time we see each other - in tears and saying that he feels really crap about himself at the moment. I felt really bad and am worried about him but then I know I have to look after myself and have my own boundaries. He's treated me horribly and I have to remember that. He is having an operation soon (elective, private surgery) and has a big birthday coming up too, neither of which I'll be around for, which makes me sad.

So it wasn't a disaster tonight and I have let go of some of my anger but I think that's mainly because I think he is a bit screwed up and am now feeling sorry for him. However, I can't fix him and now need to focus on myself. I have another individual counselling session next week and have things going on in the meantime. The house is being valued on Friday and I'll know a bit more then about what my financial situation is going to be which will settle my mind a bit.

Thanks again, everyone.

I also pointed out to him that every couple has tough times and that we've had our fair share of difficulties over the past year. I mentioned several couples we know who have had rough patches but they've worked through it. It's upsetting that we had a difficult time - me looking after an ill relative, him with health problems - and he chose to walk away rather than work through it.

Very brave and far sighted of you to have that session and to be able to speak your truth to him and observe him with such a compassionate eye. It is a definite step-even if painful—along your road to healing. You are slowly climbing up a long, winding, mountain road. I think when you get to the top it will have been worth the climb. Sadly your companion for the first part of the trip fell off the path and gas chosen to wander in the wilderness going backwards and side to side instead of forwards. But you did your best to encourage him to move forward. You couldn’t replace his lack of initiative and courage with yours.

Keep going! You will get to where you need to be!

Thank you @pikkumyy77 for your thoughtful replies. I do feel he is being very self-destructive at the moment but he’s convinced himself that I am this awful person who made him miserable.
I like your analogy of him wandering off the path. That feels very apt.

I had the house valued today and he’s not happy with the valuations (higher than he thought as he’s buying me out. I can’t afford to stay in the house.) so we have that battle to come now. If he’d been nicer to me, I’d maybe not fight for everything but he’s treated me so badly that I’m going to make sure I get every penny I can out of the house. He’s far more financially comfortable than I am so he will be fine.

It’s all so sad and could have been avoided if he’d talked to me. (One of the things he said in the second session was that he couldn’t talk to me because I had the radio on all the time. Some of the things he was coming out with were ridiculous!)

Always so instructive to replace “couldn’t “ with “wouldn’t.” In an adult relationship with an NT person people can be assumed to make choices for their own benefit, in accordance with their preferences. If the choice doesn’t work for them, retroactively, they will find excuses so “didn’t talk” becomes “couldn’t talk.”

This sounds very much like The Script and I wouldn’t be so certain there’s not an ow, you’ve become the enemy very suddenly with no real basis.

My ex appeared to suddenly develop terrible depression. He looked visibly unwell and unkempt. His personal hygiene suffered to the point his boss spoke to him about it twice and he put on a lot of weight very quickly. My mil was beside herself at him “blowing up his life” and thought he was going to harm himself. There was an ow.

If the OW stuck around it must have been true love he sounds deeply unattractive!

I’m sorry to hear about your experience @MaryMary05 and yes, it does sound similar to my situation. He has definitely rewritten history. I have wondered if there’s someone else and I’ve asked him and of course he’s said no. I asked him to update his will when I saw him the other night as I’m an executor and his financial affairs are quite complicated. I’ve asked him to update it several times now as it wouldn’t be fair to ditch me but leave me as an executor. He told me he would take me off as an executor but leave me as a beneficiary which I found quite strange. Guilt, probably. But if there was an OW I thought he’d want to disentangle himself from me fairly quickly. He’s not done anything to sort his financial affairs where I’m concerned whereas I did all of mine weeks ago.

He did the same thing to his ex wife as he’s done to me.

How are you doing now? I’m really sorry for what you’ve been through. And the ironic thing is, we end up worrying about them when they look such a mess and look depressed but they are the ones who have caused all the destruction.

Absolutely!

He needs to take responsibility for not talking to me. Instead he’s blamed me completely for him not talking to me. He couldn’t, he tried really hard, I’d just twist his words, and now I always had the radio on…! It would be laughable if it wasn’t so awful.

I’m doing great now, it really was for the best. My ex was also not in a hurry to detangle himself l but I think it’s because they like to leave their options open. Has he cheated in the past?

You can refuse to be an executor but you have to do it before you are involved in sorting out the estate. I've looked into it as someone is probably leaving me with complicated arrangements that they're not sorting themselves for various reasons.

I’m glad you’re doing well.

i hope I will think it’s for the best at some point but right now I don’t.

No, he doesn’t have form for cheating. He just gets depressed because of his job, health issues etc and then blames his partner at the time, ignores them and refuses to talk until they’ve had enough and pull the plug. It’s pathetic.

I’ve told him to take me off as an executor and I’ve told him to sort out the rest of his affairs as I don’t want anything from him. He’s got no one else to do it or to leave money to though. He has a brother he doesn’t get on with and his parents aren’t going to be around for much longer so no point putting them down. I think realising that he doesn’t have anyone else has made him even more depressed too.