Counselling to end amicably not working

[GreenwayHouse]

Hi
My exDP ended our long relationship after giving me the cold shoulder for months. I desperately tried to find out what was wrong and he wouldn’t say. He is suffering from depression caused by a number of things though won’t acknowledge it and has instead blamed me for his low mood and has decided I’m the worst person in the world. He wouldn’t address any of our problems months ago and wouldn’t go for couples counselling to try to sort things out.

I’m losing my lovely home as I can’t afford to stay there and am devastated at losing my home and our life together. He has moved out temporarily (the only decent thing he’s done in months) after thinking we could stay there together until I can move out in the summer. It was impossible to be there together and far too painful for me.

I persuaded him to go for a couple of sessions of couples counselling to end things in a nicer way as I felt consumed by anger towards him for the way he’s treated me. After saying no initially he finally agreed and we had our first session last week. It was a disaster. He spent the whole time listing out how awful I was and the counsellor had us validating the other one. She only challenged one thing he said that was pretty awful. I don’t buy what he’s saying as he’s completely forgetting all the things I’ve done for him and his family over the years and has decided I’m just a terrible person now who didn’t care about him. I came out absolutely distraught. I already felt like I hated him and the whole purpose was to help me let go of some of my anger but it made me hate him all the more.

We have a second and probably last session next week and I’m wondering whether to cancel. The only thing the first one did was to show me how much he’s decided he dislikes me now and how much he’s rewritten history and how selfish he’s been. I’m not going to get any apology for what he’s done or for the damage he’s left in his wake - one upset ex partner, two upset families, me losing my home, lots of upset friends and I’ll be significantly worse off when I move out for a few reasons. He even turned the time after my dad died into being all about him.

Has anyone who has been for couples counselling at the end of a relationship found it helpful? Should I cancel it and save myself further upset? Or go and potentially hate him all the more? Or will I get more answers? Thank you in advance.

Your counsellor may well be wiser than you think. I would go.

I'm sorry for everything you are going through. This is such a hard process.

Honestly I would cancel. Therapy is a long term process, and I am sure you have been trying to get him to see stuff, acknowledge stuff, understand how you feel etc for months if not years... how could 1-2 therapy sessions that he didn't want to go to possibly get a better result? Normally the first few sessions are all just about letting people talk and getting to know the situation. It takes forever , if at all, to break through the defences and get people thinking differently. If your husband thought he owed you an apology, he would have apologised already, and if he really thought that maybe he would have taken some action to change. It is highly likely you will never ever get an apology. If you do, then it is much more likely to be in ten years, when the person is in a totally new chapter and can see things from a distance.

You are now separating, and while there is a big practical side to that, there is also a huge emotional side. It's very hard, but that means you must break away from trying to get him to understand, acknowledge, receive your rage... everything. That means not couples therapy, but your own individual therapy to help YOU with your mental health, to help you with your anger, so that you can start refocusing on your life, your grief, and your next chapter.

I know you want the separation to be amicable, and you are right that will be much easier. But individual therapy can also help with that. It can help you manage your emotions, validate your anger and release it in a way that honours it but is not destructive, help you know when to assert yourself and when to not sweat the small stuff, and help you rebuild yourself.

Shorter Couples therapy at this point, when you both have so much anger, sounds like it is just salt in the wounds.

By the way, it's extremely common when separating to paint the other person in a terrible light. It makes it more manageable psychologically, dulls the pain of loss and also the discomfort of personal responsibility. And anger is also a natural part of grieving. Your husband is doing all this and You are probably doing all these things also. It adds to the pain of the other person, but is a very natural part of the process.

You have every right to be angry, but at this point, I would try to go on a solo voyage to honour that anger and start to work through your grief.

I’m not going to get any apology for what he’s done or for the damage he’s left in his wake - one upset ex partner, two upset families, me losing my home, lots of upset friends and I’ll be significantly worse off when I move out for a few reasons.

Sorry but he doesn’t need to apologise that your friends and family are upset at the split. He’s allowed to make the decision if he’s unhappy. I think you’re hoping for too much for this therapy session.

Thank you @Jabtastic
We had to fill out a questionnaire before attending and I set out what had happened and what I wanted to get out of the sessions. She only picked him up on one thing he said in the whole session though and, I felt, focused on too much on things that were irrelevant. But I hope you're right.

I understand that @Completelyjo . There are always upset people and a ripple effect after a split. And if I felt that my ex DP was being rational and was doing this for the right reasons this wouldn't be an issue. But no one thinks he's in his right mind at the moment and are upset to see what he's doing. His family have told me that he's in 'self-destruct mode' and it's upsetting for them to see him do this. He's not in a good way either which is worrying them and there's nothing I can do about it.

Counselling takes a lot of sessions and it sounds like that's not your plan. Perhaps the divorce mediation sessions will be more helpful. Focussing on the practical elements of a break up.m

You really don't have to put yourself through any more of this. You got something from the first session because you realised how fixed he is in his position and that it's a waste of time to try and work towards a more mutual and reasonable ending. You'd be better placed seeking individual counselling so you have a safe and supportive space.

Thank you @financialcareerstuff
I am having my own counselling too. I started it a few weeks ago but the counsellor I'm seeing can't see me while we're having the couples counselling. She said it's unethical so I've had to pause that for a couple of weeks.

What I want to understand is why my ex DP didn't try to address our issues earlier. He basically gave me the cold shoulder for months while I kept asking him what was wrong. And he's telling people - and our counsellor - that he tried to talk to me. He didn't. He's since admitted to me that he has a problem articulating his emotions and he did exactly the same thing to his ex wife and I think in the relationship he had before that. He also knows he's depressed and that he has various things going on, health issues and other worries, that have caused him to feel low. I'm not saying our relationship was perfect but there wasn't anything that couldn't have been addressed. I've also been caring for a sick relative for a while and I think he's felt he's not had my attention as much as he wanted.

Sadly, he went into the counselling session having decided his low mood was all my fault again.

In the questionnaire we had to complete beforehand, I set all of this out and I'd hoped the counsellor might pick up some of this stuff but she had us doing an exercise that I found completely pointless.

We could only fit in two sessions now because he's going away for a couple of weeks. I'd asked him before if he'd go for couples counselling to work through our issues in the hope of reconciling and he said no. He also said he wouldn't go so we could end things in a better way and he said no initially. He said yes when I asked him again because I was feeling so angry with him. He's being irrational, has not behaved well, and has left a lot of damage in his wake.

(By the way, I don't think there is anyone else. He's put on a lot of weight in the last few months and looks a mess. I'd expect him to be making more of an effort if there was someone else on the scene.)

Thanks @Doggymummar
I did want to go for 'proper' couples counselling but he wouldn't do it. All I could get him to agree to - eventually - was a couple of sessions so we could end things in a better way. A relative did this with her ex DH and it helped. He's going away for a couple of weeks after this session so that was all I could get him to agree to and fit in. We were not married but were together for a long time and own a house together.

Thanks @bigboykitty
I am going for my own counselling sessions but the counsellor said she couldn't see me while I was going for couples counselling so I've had to put them on pause.

Yes, you're right - the first session did just show me how fixed he was in his position. He knows he's depressed and I was really hoping he might acknowledge this and accept he's lashed at me and used me as an excuse. But he had retreated into his previous position in the session of it all being my fault again.

You have to protect yourself, because he is only going to keep attacking you.

He has behaved horribly and you are right to be angry with him. Why should you look kindly on somebody who has treated you badly and hurt you. Keep things civil but no need to be amicable under the circumstances IMHO.

OP don’t go. It sounds an absolute waste of time. If the counsellor hasn’t helped yet thena final session won’t make any difference, other than for him to use it as a platform for more of his bile and recrimination.

Focus on your own counselling and don’t give him any more opportunities to blame and criticise you. Fuck that.

I don’t think you’ll ever get the apology you want from him and you just need to find a way to come to terms with that. You feel he owes you one (though I’m not sure what that would really achieve or what it would change about the situation), he doesn’t feel he needs to give you one. So it’s a stalemate that you are focusing all your anger on.
If he’s not prepared to tell you why he wants to end things then you can’t force this. It could be any number of reasons, maybe he doesn’t really know himself, maybe he just doesn’t want to be with you anymore, maybe there’s someone else who’s caught his eye (there are definite echos of the script here). When people want/need to break up with someone they have to focus on the negatives and particularly so when the person isn’t a bad person, because otherwise they can’t do what they need to do. You can’t take him pretending to forget all your positive qualities personally, it’s a survival tactic for him and nothing more. It’s pathetic and unfair. But it’s really not you.
It’s up to you whether you go to the “uncoupling” counseling but personally I wouldn’t and would just focus on my own counseling. Your relationship as hard as that is to accept is done, dead, and in his mind buried. This counseling just seems to be zombifying it.
Your life is about to change in many ways. You need to focus on yourself.
He’s moved out now. Take this as an opportunity to cut all but essential contact and focus on yourself and what your future looks like.

You will never get the answers you want.

Restart your own therapy again.

I wouldn't go. Although I think it's natural to want to analyse the reasons for his behaviour and want answers, ultimately you cannot force him to admit things if he is stubbornly insisting that he tried to talk to you, even if you know he didn't.

I would honestly cut your losses here and concentrate on yourself. You've had a horrible upsetting experience and counselling for yourself will help you work through that. You need to actively leave the past behind and think about your future. Concentrate on making plans to do things that will make you happy. Spend time with people who will lift you up and try not to dwell on the ins and outs of your breakup. It's over and it doesn't really matter if he's depressed or is being self destructive - these are his problems to deal with, not yours. You need to detach yourself and let him get on with it.

I think therapy like this is great but it only works if you both want the outcome to be positive and he doesn't care so it will most likely just be more hurtful for you, not knowing everything he thinks and feels can sometime be better than having it spelled out. If you had kids I think it would be a different story too as you could at least possibly agree to split amicably for their benefit as that is something that would benefit both of you. Your friends and family will get over this in no time so I don't think that's a strong enough argument to make him work with you when he doesn't want to.

If I were you I would forget about trying to understand him or get answers, just cut ties with him and work with your own therapist to get you through it the best way you can. He has no interest in making this as pain free for you as possible unfortunately and you can't make him.

My wife had an affair and left me 2 years ago. I insisted on "separation counselling" mainly because we have a young child together. Those sessions were sometimes very distressing. Wife (now ex-wife) refused to take any responsibility and like your partner, spent the sessions shouting about how awful I was and it was my fault she'd left. Many times she refused to go back - but then did - until eventually she didn't. Despite this, I found the sessions really helpful in working through my feelings and accepting that I would never get "closure" from her.

I also had (and still have) therapy on my own, which has really helped me. We now get on well and co-parent well. It's a journey. If you don't share a child you need to agree things for, then perhaps you could look at therapy just on your own to work through these horrible feelings. I'd recommend it.

It does get better, I promise.

This is really correct.

Thank you @Elektra1 Sorry to hear about what you went through.
I am having counselling on my own which has been helpful but my counsellor said she couldn't see me while I was having the couples counselling sessions so I had to pause my individual sessions for a couple of weeks.

That happened to me too so I just told my counsellor that the joint sessions had ended. They served a different purpose in my view and I needed the individual support.

Therapy really isn’t right for two people in such a combative position. You are fighting over something whose meaning you don’t agree on—he feels he is retreating from an impossible position and you see him as the aggressor who needs to be fought to a standstill. Where is the acceptable midpoint where you can accept each other’s perspectives amicably? It doesn’t exist.

He is depressed, angry, feels neglected, is gaining weight, appears off to his family and is blowing up his life? You can neither love him back nor hate him back to the old way of life. He has perfect freedom to walk away from you snd all the love and support you gave him for whatever reason and no reason.

Its horribly sad for you and I really feel for you! Especially as it will have such devastating consequences for your living situation. But his choices are his own. He is making this bed and he has to lie in it. You have to get up and walk away. None of the things that he says (she wouldn’t do x or y) matter. Just hold on to your truth and have a simple response to family members “I wanted to work on things and stay together and he didn’t.” In the long run friends and family will sort themselves out along preexisting fault lines and his whimpers and your explanations will affect nothing.

Thanks all.

I've emailed the counsellor setting out my position. I haven't cancelled yet and she gets paid whether we turn up or not. At the moment, I'm thinking that slamming my hand in the car door would be very painful so why would I do that to myself. And if tomorrow is going to be very painful, why would I put myself through it again?

I am a therapist myself and usually quite pro therapy (of course!) but I think this is a very sensible approach to this particular situation.

Its been my experience that if one of the couple doesn’t want the therapy—doesn’t want to engage, doesn’t want to be in the room, doesn’t want reconciliation—then the therapy itself becomes the site of the battle for control. In essence even showing up feels to them—to your dh for example—as a loss or a violation. So they enter as a victim and try to cast you as the persecutor and the therapist as either your co conspirator or as their ally.

Every session becomes a reenactment of a drama triangle with each of you trying to seize the victim role. It takes enormous therapeutic skill to steer a boat where each oarsman is struggling to row in opposite directions!

In reality its possible to step out of the triangle—necessary even—and acknowledge that we can have been both lovers and losers in the relationship. That it has run its course. That we have to pack our bags and move on taking just some of our things and our memories and leaving behind things and memories we have outgrown.

To be honest, if this was me, I think I WOULD go to the session, but I'd go prepared to sy the things I want to say. So he's had this opportunity to talk about how awful you were, so this week, go armed with the things you want to say about how you helped and supported him and got nothing back, how his depression has never been dealt with and it impacted you, how his refusal to communicate has always been a huge barrier.

But then, I'm petty like that and as the consellor seems to be quite happy foor him to spew vitriol at you, I'd want to pay it back.