How to prove I was the main carer?

[BookArt55]

I've been to court for the final hearing... only for it to be postponed and to go back again soon. The judge has decided they want to hear evidence from me and dad. One of the points the judge wondered was who was the main carer while we all lived together.

There was domestic abuse, I did the majority for the children. Dad is saying the exact same.

How is best to prove I was the main carer? Any advice?

So far it have thought about:
-statements from the kid's clubs saying I've always taken them, he doesn't attend
-statements from nursery/school saying i have all communication and pick up/drop off
-going to see if I have phone records showing all calls to medical arrangements appts etc because the kids have a lot

Is there anything else I can do to support my case that I was the main carer? He really didn't do alot, never did a party or playdate, then day to day it was very much the bare minimum. He rarely made food for our daughter with allergies, it was all on me. Struggling to see how I can prove the day to day pattern!

Wouldn't it be amazing if you could drive it by having him answer unseen questions in court...?

What is the teacher called?

Who is their best friend at Swimming, and who is their instructor?

Where does he er best friend live

How much are subs for karate?

Where was the last birthday party she went to, and for which friend, and what did give as a gift.

If its allergies can you prove you went out and did the weekly/regular shopping as that is the read the lable part of food prep.

Were you the "account holder" named in the bills as they wont speak to anyone else or were you both on for that? If you were added as a contact onto a bill in his name its normally so you can do the domestic call bit not to pay the bill

Thank you! My barrister will cross examine him so this is a great suggestion!!!! Thank you!

That's an amazing idea

Good luck op

You could perhaps write a brief outline of an average week, get stbxh to do the same. Ask him the names of the nursery key workers. Ask daughters favourite meal.

Some things I do regularly for my children that I could evidence:

• sign their reading diary
• pay for school trips or clubs plus email when there are any issues
• go to parents evening at school
• take them to parties - I could write a list of who, where, when plus presents purchased
• buy presents, World Book Day etc
• name their school uniform
• do the weekly Tesco shop
• read books to them, play games etc. This is harder to prove

Would gp dentist or optician be willing to confirm you attended with them? Is child benefit in your name?

Would your bank statements or other bills (online orders?) show that you buy school uniform, birthday presents, normal clothes, swimming costumes for swimming, football kit for football, Christmas presents and wrapping paper etc?

If you have the Google Maps app on your phone, you might be able to go into your history and see your locations.

The you can prove it’s you at the school/nursery for drop off, you at the school parties, etc. Basically any appointment or activity with the kids you can pinpoint your phone to that location at that time.

It’ll depend on your settings, but if you open the app, select ‘you’ on the bottom bar and then scroll all the way to the bottom at select ‘timeline’ it might be in there.

Medical appointment write-ups, whether a GP or a hospital appointment, often say “ child X attended with her mum” so you could maybe request a copy of their medical records?

Go through your emails and online accounts to find receipts of birthday and Xmas presents (both that you’ve bought for your children and that you’ve bought for your children’s friends)

For opticians and dentist appointments, whose mobile number and email address is on record for your children?

I always take my children so if any appointments get cancelled or they send forms to be filled in before the appointment, they contact us via the details they hold on file, which are mine

Problem with the favourite meal z is how do you "prove" it? My daughter's favourite meal changes with the wind!

Things like witnesses saying yes OP collected every day, we don't even have dads email/number in record etc can prove things.

Also, was he always at work after school etc?

So if you pick up at 4, and he gets home at 7... You were there for 3 hours caring.

Any other mum friends who would be able to give evidence for you? I know when there was a similar case in the village I used to live in, many people in the village gave evidence for the mum.

Medical/dental records/letters which mention you.
Child benefit in your name.
Bank statement showing receipts for uniform/clothes/school trips/fun days out etc.
Vaccination consent forms.
Texts arranging playmates.
Letter from people running hobbies to say you drop off/pick up.
If you use Google calendar or similar for hobbies/playmates - screenshot it.
Tickets first events.
Photos from school plays/events.
Do you work flexibly so you can do drop offs pickups? Would work provide a letter?
Have you ever had to take carers leave?

Be honest about who did what - stick to facts. (May well be that part of the abuse was to keep you exhausted running around doing everything!)
Maybe write out a 'typical' day or week as to who did what. This then gives quite a clear picture of what you were doing.
Slightly different but along the same topic, during an argument recently my DH basically claimed he was doing everything for our DC. I then pointed out everything I did (impacted by chronic illness) which he agreed I did do...... think it was quite an eye opener. (Having been in an abusive relationship, I know there is a lack of logic to the abuser and his claims during the case are a further way to continue abusing you .....)

Google maps shows me ever time I brought the children to their activities.
Some supermarkets have apps that show me digital receipts of exactly what I bought and when
I have emails to school

Google maps doesn't show a lot of my school runs if I just pull up and dc hop out. It only shows up if I stopped and parked for a bit.

Why do you need to evidence that you are main carer?
My ex stated he was main carer, which nominally he was (work shy vs my FT hours so was physically at home more) and did the whole "I'll get residency of the kids" line.
The children stayed with me once he realised what Main Carer actually means.

I'm not challenging you, just curious. Family Court is horrible, I hope you have good support.

What is it required in relation to ?

cao which is contested ?
financial settlement related ( won’t make much if z y difference)

Thank you for all of this, it has really helped
We had the final hearing for the kids, but because both of us are saying we were the main carer when together, and both of us say we want resident parent, the Judge now wants us each to give evidence in court and a statement before explaining our role with the kids when together, and a few other things.

The children have lived with me for the past year, his actions led to contact stopping and then slowly increasing since cafcass became involved. He's only recently started having overnights and it has caused problems for the children as there is no routine, no bedtime, no naps allowed, etc.

Cafcasss recommended a lives with order in my favour in Oct. Dad disputes that still.

Google maps- great idea, I had mine off unfortunately but switched on now. Mainly because I suspect years of being dragged back to court in my future.

All the rest is great advice. I've contacted our playdate friends today who have been amazing with what they have already written. I'm very lucky to have such a great support network around me. Now going to contact doctors, dentist etc.
And all of the other advice that I hadn't considered.

This group have been amazing with advice. It is so hard to prove the I literally did 95% with the kids, from the big to all of those small things. It is a difficult process when I'm told 'both parents need to communicate effectively for the children', next comment from cafcass was 'mum continues to communicate really well which is unusual in a lot of cases like this and she should continue to do what she is doing', to the judge then saying that I need to prove what I did (and still do). So i am still worried! But these comments have really helped, thank you so much. Any more suggestions that pop to mind then please do share!

my DH did this kind of thing once about how "Blubbles, you work P/T and I do everything round here!" (this was because he had to fix the fence at around 4pm on a Saturday) - i got so cross with him... I asked him who the fuck does he think washes all the clothes, cleans the house, buys the food, cooks the food, takes DD to school, takes DD to clubs, organises every holiday, all play dates, all visit to his bloody family, checks insurances/utilities each year, makes sure all subs are paid, organises all birthday and Christmas, cleans the fridge, buys DDs clothes, makes sure homework is done, dentist are booked, administers medicine, makes sure all ad-hoc bills are paid, changes the bed, hoovers, dusts...

He shut up then

Who's side of the family do they visit most & know best? If it's yours you can note visits, holidays etc.

Logins for homework, school dinner payments

Huge one is your camera roll - photos and videos of you & kids that prove dates and locations you have done things together

WhatsApp groups involving arrangements for kids, or messages re parties/ play dates

He won't be able to get anywhere near the evidence you can, and hopefully judge will not look on the fact he lied kindly...!

Cafcass recommended a lives with order in my favour in Oct. Dad disputes that still

Eugh...it's so tedious that judges don't take the word of Cafcass.
So the judge has a report from Cafcass which I presume broadly outlines the care that you both do, your ex gets stroppy so now the judge makes you jump through more hoops. Tedious.

I was given Lives With. I didn't appreciate the significance of it at the time; I was just so relieved that young DS no longer had to stay with his Dad (who moved his emotional abuse from me to him).

I wish you all the best OP. It's worth it in the end.