how long does this intense grief last?

[Cheryllou]

Hi I've posted here before but things are getting worse, not better. Husband of 22 years, together 34 years, left me at Christmas saying he is no longer in love with me. We have 2 daughters, one at uni, one doing A Levels. He has been distant with me for a year, but kept saying he wanted to try. He didn't try, he was just present - complicated by the fact his dad was dying at the time. So I held on. After Christmas it's gone from I love you, I want to make it work to I want a divorce and I'm sinking into a real depression. I just can't begin to get over it - got physical symptoms can't sleep, eat, thinking about him all the time, reliving memories and crying crying crying. I'm trying to think about the bad things - and there are bad but my brain isn't playing ball. Seen doctor and been upped antidepressants and beta blockers for anxiety but nothing seems to be helping. It's only my girls that's keeping me alive as I know it sounds dramatic but life is tortuous - nothing brings any relief. Have seen a solicitor but can't summon the enthusiasm to start on finances - am terrified what my future holds as i only work part time. To add to this I suspect he may be involved with someone he works with although he says not. To those who have been through it - please tell me it gets better and any advice? I can't go on like this much longer.

Hey - I'm in a similar position. My partner told me they didn't love me anymore just after NY. I've literally had that one line, and it's it - no other comms at all. It's absolutely heartbreaking :( Communication was (and still isn't!) never their strong suit though 🤣

It's so cliché I know, but I'm using the free time to work on myself. I'm forcing myself to do all the things I've neglected, and it's giving me a little space from my brain.

I've taken up running and lost 1.5 stone, I'm joining random groups to be more sociable and gain confidence (it's never been my strong suit) - and just generally trying to be a better version of me, for me.

They however, are sitting in their new place, not seeing many people or really doing much. I think about them all the time, and boy does it hurt - but seeing me better myself does take the edge off.

Hope that's some help. x

Has he actually left? If not, you should ask him to. Separation/divorce is awful but this limbo you are in is probably worse for your mental health.

If he has left, you need to give it time. I’m over a year on and I still get sad sometimes about old memories and wondering where things went wrong it’s normal I think.

Yes he sort of left before Christmas to be with his dad, now he is staying in a friends flat. I’m just getting more and more depressed even though I know him staying wouldn’t work . I want to feel better and move forward but seem stuck in grief.

Well done you, that’s amazing! I’d do the same if I didn’t feel so depressed. What sorts of groups have you joined?

Hi @Cheryllou
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I posted a similar thread last week asking for help with the emotional side of separation as I was really struggling. My ExDP was still living in the house and I couldn't bear it. (I am able to move out to a house I rent out but not for a few months.)

These are the things I'm doing. I don't know if they will help you but I hope something does as I hear the pain you're in and know how awful it is.

1. All the advice is to cut contact as much as possible. I'm not sure if you're able to do this or not. I have been able to stay away from my ExDP. I set up a Google sheets document in which every day I gave myself a point for not texting, emailing or seeing him - so 3 points a day. We've had to email/text about some admin stuff so I've lost some points but it is a small way of stopping myself from reaching out and I've set myself targets with rewards. It helps a little...
2. A friend recommended watching 'Friends' to me. It's light, fluffy and distracting. Each episode is 20 minutes long. So when I wake up in the morning, I watch an episode on my phone and it distracts me. I'm now on series 8. I've watched all the previous ones since we split up at Christmas.
3. Write down all the bad things that he's ever done. Get angry for how he's treated you. Be proud of yourself for not putting up with bad behaviour.
4. Go somewhere new or do something new for yourself.
5. Control what you can. My ExDP gave me the cold shoulder for months before finally exploding - when I asked for the 10th time what was wrong - and telling me I was the worst person in the world. Since then I've taken control of my finances and cut him out of every benefit, and my will. (I don't think he's done any of it yet.) I've been clearing the house of anything that reminds me of him (again, appreciate that's difficult to do if you're still living together). I've boxed up cards and presents he gave me and am going to put them away somewhere for now and then decide later on if they are going in the bin or if I'm keeping them.
6. Do some exercise - tough I know when you just feel like lying on the sofa and crying. But force yourself and you'll feel better for it. I belong to a running club. They're the nicest group of people. And I always feel better after I've been for a run. Or find something else that you like doing, e.g. tennis/swimming.
7. If things are really bad, and you feel like kicking or punching something (I frequently have), then count to 10 to give yourself some breathing space. I've started doing this and I am finding that it helps.
8. Listen to a break up recovery podcast. I just found one that helped.

Best of luck, OP. I know how much pain you're in and I'm sorry.

Great tips, you sound a lot stronger than me. We have to communicate because of kids and I need him to help with dog. I took all the photos down but it just made me sadder so put them out again (not wedding obvs!) half his stuff is still here and we share a bank account - partly because I feel too emotional to do anything with it and partly because I thought he’d miss me and want to try again. I’ve almost accepted he won’t. I liked the Lifeisrosie podcast but it did make sad. Everything makes me sadder. I’m having a proper pity party - worse in the morning, terrible at 3am gaah! Trouble is even though our relationship was far from perfect we were happy before he went cold and that’s really confusing. I’m just hoping I cheer up and he is miserable! Good luck xx

@Cheryllou - Honestly, I still feel really down, spend hours crying and have to force myself - but it's turning into a habit, and it's getting easier for it.

Running clubs, Pilates, Hiking clubs, trying to find a class to learn a new language ... Just anything that's around people. If I try it and don't like it, so be it! Worth giving anything a go, and it's always been worth the effort for me. In my head, the alternative is passing hours on the couch in tears 🤣

Doesn't help with the grief between the house of 2am and 7am though 🤣 If someone has any top tips for that, I'm all ears!!!

Nytol - the blue one - is pretty good at helping with sleep, although doesn't cut it when you are really stressed.

@Cheryllou Ha, nice! Thanks :)

It's not been long for you at all OP. I was widowed, so a different situation, but I know I'd have grieved terribly if dh had instead left me. I'd say I grieved for 3 years, but it was up and down, not constant. I still miss him further down the line. Dont be hard on yourself and give yourself time. Do you have female friends to meet and chat? I found amytriptiline good for mood and sleep. It helped. I'd never taken anything like that before but it was easy to come off

I found amytriptiline better as it helps mood not just sleep.

I'm sorry for your loss, that must be hard to face every day. I've been told this is a grieving period for me too - I'm just finding it incredibly hard to accept and adapt. I just want my life back, which I'm sure you do too.

Thats a really insensitive post.

Yes. It's been a few years for me now. I think widows get sympathy but if someone's dh leaves them they are expected to just get over it and that's not realistic. You need time to grieve. Meeting friends, amytriptiline and time is all I can suggest. I'm now starting to sound like a drug pusher, but I only took a low dose and found it a godsend

This is very early days, OP. I've been there, and it's tough. I think when someone takes the unilateral decision to upend your life and change your entire future, without any input from you, it's incredibly hard to come to terms with. The rest of your life as totally changed without your permission whatsoever. It's a massive shift, and eight years later, it still feels weird to me.

However, there are SO many silver linings. You don't have to put up with the negative parts of your partner anymore. Whatever you found lacking in him, you can now seek out with others. My exH was bald, which never bothered me once, in fact I found it quite sexy. But since dating again, I've been very pleasantly surprised how lovely it is to run my hands through a man's hair. Etc. He was also very moody and very unstable, and negative. Now I can have someone cheerful and stable who doesn't have a temper. YMMV.

And whichever way you slice and dice it, you don't want to be with someone who is capable of leaving you. So it's a positive thing, really. He might regret it eventually anyway. Mine did.

All you can do, my friend, is wait for time to work its magic and look forward to better times ahead. I've lost my marriage, both my parents, my best friend, and my closest cousin. What I know is that time heals all wounds. It's a cliche because it's true.

Sending hugs xxxx

Sorry I didn’t think it was but I’ll remove

I’m sorry your family is going through this. I understand it must be hard to be one who leaves and no one REALLY wants to be with someone who doesn’t love them. But I’m afraid I can’t help you here, it’s all a bit raw. Just be kind I guess and let time do its thing.

Hi @Cheryllou
I'm not sure if I am any stronger than anyone else - I wish I was! I've had my moments where I've felt like smashing his stuff up and I've been really angry and really upset. I have written the last couple of paragraphs of your reply to me - that we were really happy before mine turned cold (although apparently I was mistaken there as he's rewritten history as per the script...) and that I had been hoping he would see the light too and realise he'd made a mistake.

I wake up at 5am every day wondering why he had to ruin our lovely life together.

Then I try to remind myself of how shabbily he's treated me. I got taken into hospital last autumn and he left me two days later to fly off to see a relative abroad. I told him to go but he clearly didn't care about me when he was away and I had a horrible time in hospital too and really could have done with him there. Yet, when he came back, and was still cold and uncaring, I tried everything I could to fix things and I hoped he would snap out of the horrible mood he was in and he did absolutely nothing to make it up to me for leaving me or to try to talk to me about why he was unhappy.

I've been reading up about avoidant attachment styles and I think my ex definitely has this. And they talk about something called 'separation elation' in which the man (yes, I'm going to generalise here) feels happy that they've left and they feel in control. But then all the emotions hit them later on. And women are generally better at communicating their emotions and we have female friends and things like Mumsnet we can access to help us process it all whereas many men shut down and don't talk to anyone about it so their emotions just get suppressed. So yes, it's likely that, though we suffering a lot now, in time they'll be the ones who are not in a good place (I know I'm not a nice person for wishing that but, right now, I want my ex to be miserable as he ruined our nice life for absolutely no reason) and we'll be on the mend.

When I posted my own thread last week, I was in a really bad way and I wanted quick things to help me at that moment. It's all very well saying 'start a new hobby' or 'go for a hike' etc but I was stuck working at home, ruminating, and feeling extremely low and needed something to help me there and then. So I hope the things I've said help you a little bit and you can tackle the bigger things when you're able. And I'm equally open to hearing other people's tips as well.

I told my ex to move out and he said he wouldn't. He has two houses he rents out and he could have moved back into one of them but he refused. However, he has gone for a few months (moved in with a work colleague) to give me space. I think he only did that because I was getting desperate and was looking myself for somewhere. I told him that he could have done the decent thing months ago and told me he wasn't happy rather than ignoring me. And, at that point he could either have tried to work through things or said it was over, and, if the latter, offered to do the honourable thing and move out until I can move back into my rental house in the late summer. I think me saying that shamed him and that's when he offered to go. I don't want him to go - I want things to be back the way they were - but, if he doesn't want to be with me, and doesn't want to make any effort to fix things, then I need him out of my life as much as possible. I feel that I can breathe a bit now he's gone. I hope you are able to get some space too.

My husband left me, completely out of the blue, when I was 5 months pregnant with our second child.
It hit my like a tonne of bricks. I didn't see it coming. He never gave me any idea he was planning on doing that or that he was unhappy.

I was absolutely heartbroken. I remember not being able to sleep and in a constant state of anxiety - heart racing, mind racing. I found Saturdays, for some reason, the worst. I just felt so unbelievably depressed and lost and desperate to go back in time.

I always remember someone in here saying to me "you need to hit rock bottom before you get back up". I couldn't believe there was a bottom lower than that feeling! But looking back now I just totally get it.

There will be a moment OP when your mindset shifts. When you realise you can no longer feel like this and that it's time to start a new chapter.

Greif is a process. You won't wake up tomorrow and all of the feels go away. But you might wake up tomorrow and feel a little bit better for a little bit longer.

Don't look at the bigger picture. Don't try and imagine your life 5 years down the line - you have no idea what that could look or feel like and your grief and anxiety will convince you it could only be horrible! Think of now and tomorrow and next week.

You are going to be ok OP. I promise you that it won't always feel like this ❤️

Hi @Cheryllou a couple of other ideas for you-a gratitude journal. Sounds cheesy but it does help to reframe things. I’ve got a nice notebook and am trying to write down two or three nice things that have happened to me each day. And I’ve bought myself a couple of nice books to read.

When I wake up in the night and can’t sleep, I either watch an episode or two of Friends or I listen to an audiobook. If I put it on a slow speed, it can help to get me back off to sleep too.

Try to use tips that are good for depression (without the stuff you are going through causing it) and MH problems. I’ve been through a bad domestic violence situation in the past and the grief bit with that was very bad and I also had a huge breakdown a few years ago….I couldn’t even get out of bed. I’ve been suicidal etc so I know how hard it is. One day a bird I saw through the window was the thing that got me through that day, that bird probably saved my life tbh. I still focus on birds, plants, stars, sunrises, clouds, fresh air in my garden to try to keep myself going and stay balanced.

So stop communicating with this person they are no longer part of your life and you come first. do not speak to them about children/pets. You are your priority.

You are grieving for the life and future that you thought you would have that’s normal but there’s still a wonderful beautiful world out there full of possibilities and moments of joy. You just need to get yourself through this part.

focus on the here and now. no big plans no anything just baby steps. So if all you can manage is to eat a bowl of cereal or get dressed into clean pj’s all day brilliant that’s a well done to you. You have got through the day you have eaten you have moved you are dressed. And so on.

try to get into a little routine as that usually helps. So set a time you watch tv for ten minutes even if it’s 3am when you can’t sleep every day. Doesn’t matter you have watched tv that gives your mind something else to focus on for a few minutes. And say ten minutes for a hobby or ten minutes to wash your hair. And so on just a tiny little routine of things that will help you feel better bit by bit.

Btw if any of these tips don’t help don’t worry they won’t all help everyone. I had to have therapy and lots of things don’t work or help at all.

For example in my case a gratitude journal suggested before after and during my breakdown was zero help to me as the pressure to think of just one thing to write was overwhelming and gave me panic attacks. But suddenly all these years later I came across a gratitude jar app and lo and behold I’m adding things to it here and there and it’s nice to shake it and read about a nice thing from a different month. So it only took me ten years to manage a gratitude journal.

This is great advice thank you. Struggling to accept the person I loved so much for so many years has caused me so much pain.

What @Tbry24 said with bells on. I went through a divorce in 2015 - it was a joint decision, very amicable, no squabbles about money, teenage/young adult children who stayed with me but still saw him as much as they wanted. However it still took a good year before I could even start to think about socialising again (took him about 4months!) and another 6 before I even looked at dating. Give yourself time, space, consideration and do what is right for you. When the time is right you will find yourself able to join new groups, make new friends, go on dates - it may be two months, 6 months or two years as everyone is different!! You are grieving for an expected life that no longer exists whilst having to deal with everything on your own that used to be shared - even if he didn't do much!
I found it better for me that I carried on as much as possible with my existing routine - 4.30am gym, walk the dogs, go to work, come home, cook dinner etc. I didn't even try to make myself do something different for ages and then it was something simple like clean and tidy a cupboard, or paint a wall, or go for a coffee with an old friend.