how long does this intense grief last?

[Cheryllou]

Hi I've posted here before but things are getting worse, not better. Husband of 22 years, together 34 years, left me at Christmas saying he is no longer in love with me. We have 2 daughters, one at uni, one doing A Levels. He has been distant with me for a year, but kept saying he wanted to try. He didn't try, he was just present - complicated by the fact his dad was dying at the time. So I held on. After Christmas it's gone from I love you, I want to make it work to I want a divorce and I'm sinking into a real depression. I just can't begin to get over it - got physical symptoms can't sleep, eat, thinking about him all the time, reliving memories and crying crying crying. I'm trying to think about the bad things - and there are bad but my brain isn't playing ball. Seen doctor and been upped antidepressants and beta blockers for anxiety but nothing seems to be helping. It's only my girls that's keeping me alive as I know it sounds dramatic but life is tortuous - nothing brings any relief. Have seen a solicitor but can't summon the enthusiasm to start on finances - am terrified what my future holds as i only work part time. To add to this I suspect he may be involved with someone he works with although he says not. To those who have been through it - please tell me it gets better and any advice? I can't go on like this much longer.

I’m reading all these posts and clinging on that it will get easier, 35 years with the same person who had no respect for me, every indiscretion broke my trust a bit more. I have brushed so many things under the carpet because I didn’t want to break my family, my home up. But the last episode, messaging a girl, the pull of social media, are you a girl at 30 (he’s 64) every last morsel of trust is gone, and I can’t take anymore so I’ve said it’s over Now he is desperate, begging, pleading he loves me, right! That makes it worse not because I want to make amends I want him to leave me alone. A friend of mine suggested counselling, not to mend but end our marriage once and for all. Has anyone tried this? He has to see its over for me. Our house is on the market, I want to make my own way at 67. The anxiety is horrendous, I’m sick of crying the overwhelming grief is beyond words. I guess on here others are in the same boat, it’s not like break ups are anything new, it’s just the feelings are new. Thank you for reading 😭🙏🏻x

@GinaCb it sounds like you would get some benefit from counselling but for yourself not your marriage. You are standing up for yourself, for your own well being, your own emotions and are now demanding respect from someone who has disrespected (is that actually a word?!) you for many years. Of course he's going to beg you to reconsider and say he loves you - his cushy life is ending and he doesn't like it.
You are and will continue to grieve for what might have been but also, perhaps, for the scary future you face. However it is easier (in some ways not all) to face things on your own rather than with a partner/husband who never supports you anyway. You won't feel it but you are strong and independent and you can get through this and away from him.

xxx

I’m so sorry for your situation but I feel you are doing the right thing. I totally understand how broken you must feel tho. Please see your doctor - meds are helping me and I’ve been given some counselling on the nhs. Take all the help you can get. A week on from this post I’m feeling slightly better but I know it’s a rollercoaster. Good luck, one day at a time, then start saying yes to everything- you never know where it might take you, x