Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Parenting adult kids through ANOTHER divorced dad trauma

28 replies

NeverDoneParenting · 16/02/2025 12:01

Hi
My adult kids are desperate to see their dad by himself. He divorced me (having left us for his pregnant mistress), he has since divorced her - leaving another broken family in his wake. Now he has a new girlfriend who is, by all accounts, a serious narcissist. My kids loath her, their half sister loathes her, my ex's parents parents loath her ....
My youngest daughter is about to be 30. All she wants is a birthday dinner with her dad, her sister and I. Her dad refuses to understand that his new partner is not welcome on this occasion - she is so, so upset. The girls love their dad and miss seeing him, but he just doesn't get it.
This is the tip of the iceberg with this woman. I spend so much time offering solace, understanding and compassion to my girls (and ex's parents) that it is starting to affect me. The troubles this woman has wrought take up so much oxygen in my house, even though she is nothing to do with me.
I want to help, and I can't bear that my girls are STILL struggling with their mental health 15 years after our divorce. They are adults and can certainly speak their minds, but they don't want to lose their dad, they miss him in their lives. I want to give sound, loving advice - help!

OP posts:
Beamur · 16/02/2025 12:04

Stop blaming the woman.
This is 100% a Dad issue. He just chooses not to see it and frankly is only interested in how any of this affects him.
Drop the rope.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 16/02/2025 12:07

First reply nails it as usual. The fact that your DC feel they would lose their relationship with their dad if they don’t go along with everything he wants speaks volumes

he is the problem

Dror · 16/02/2025 12:07

Your daughter shouldn't expect that her divorced parents would want to have dinner together.
It sucks that her father can't keep a girlfriend but that's his business. I don't think your adult daughters need advice, do they?

They are aware their father isn't interested in them, but can enjoy their adult lives and freedom, and return the same energy when the man wants their attention in his old age.

Glorybox2025 · 16/02/2025 12:07

Your 30 year old daughter wants a meal out with her divorced parents for her birthday? What's up with that? Sounds like your children need therapy to unpick their feelings towards their dad and to make peace with who he is. And you don't need to parent 30 year olds, that age is more than old enough to take responsibility for her own feelings. She sound stuck in a teenage mindset, wanting fake happy family meals when you divorced 15 years ago is nuts.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 16/02/2025 12:08

He does get it, he just doesn't care. He puts his wants above everything and everyone else.

WitcheryDivine · 16/02/2025 12:11

I think they need to drop the rope with their dad. Events like nice birthday dinner aren’t likely to work out so they should either arrange things one to one with him or just give up on him as awful as that sounds. They’re going to be in their thirties and they are too old and too good to be playing second fiddle to him and his chaotic romantic life. Fuck him basically.

WitcheryDivine · 16/02/2025 12:11

Got delayed replying and I see the first reply says basically the same.

3luckystars · 16/02/2025 12:14

Could she have the dinner with just her sister and dad?

BLUEcups · 16/02/2025 12:17

All of the above replies are spot on

THisbackwithavengeance · 16/02/2025 12:24

I think adults should be able to put bitterness and personal feelings aside and accommodate the DP of a family member. Because that's what adults do.

They're not sulky teenagers. They don't have to like the woman but politeness and civility in a social setting costs nothing.

WitcheryDivine · 16/02/2025 12:28

I wonder OP if you did all the right things when they were teens and didn’t badmouth their dad etc - but that’s left them with the misconception that he’s actually worth all this trouble? Wondering if someone just needs to say to them that he’s a selfish dickhead, that it’s not them it’s HIM, that they’re under no obligation to pander to him or seek him out. That they should have a loving two way relationship with their parents but if that’s not on offer then they don’t have to have a relationship.

mitogoshigg · 16/02/2025 12:28

Sorry but your daughter who is a "proper adult" at 30 should not expect her divorced parents to have a birthday meal with her like a happy family, certainly not without inviting their new partners.

My dc have divorced parents and we are all amicable and happily attend important events but our new dps (dh in my case) come too, and yes we get along because we all know how to be polite adults but none of the dc expect us to leave out our new relationships

LouiseTopaz · 16/02/2025 12:35

My parents divorced when I was 21, I'm now in my 30s I'd never expect either of them not to bring their partners even if I didn't like them, it's a meal they don't even need to chat to her or sit next to her, plus it's very unlikely she would make a scene at a meal and if she did you can ask her to leave?

Wells37 · 16/02/2025 12:37

My parents divorced I would have never expected them to have a birthday dinner together! You are divorced. Important events like graduations or weddings are different.

harriethoyle · 16/02/2025 12:43

Your daughter sounds very infantile. I really wouldn’t expect that from a 30 year old whose parents are long divorced. Do you have a partner that’s she’s also excluding?

Agree with pp saying your ex is the problem not his girlfriend.

Toooldtorave · 16/02/2025 12:46

mitogoshigg · 16/02/2025 12:28

Sorry but your daughter who is a "proper adult" at 30 should not expect her divorced parents to have a birthday meal with her like a happy family, certainly not without inviting their new partners.

My dc have divorced parents and we are all amicable and happily attend important events but our new dps (dh in my case) come too, and yes we get along because we all know how to be polite adults but none of the dc expect us to leave out our new relationships

This. Same position myself (and to add to it my exH was divorced when we met so there are pre marriage and divorce children - and I had invites to their weddings too even though we’re divorced). Sounds dysfunctional to some maybe but we all just enjoyed the day for the adult kids, and we all get along well.

If adult kids want do something just with one parent then maybe something low key, but the parents should just be mindful of the kids feelings. If things are a bit acrimonious I can see why the kids don’t want their day ruining if mum doesn’t get along with ExH new partner. Put the kids first.

LlynTegid · 16/02/2025 12:47

I am with those who say the dad is the problem.

Miaowzabella · 16/02/2025 12:51

Your daughter might need to set her sights lower, for example a weekday lunch out with her dad, rather than trying to recreate a family circle which has long ceased to exist.

Oblomov25 · 16/02/2025 12:52

It isn't realistic of dd 30 to have a meal with divorced parents.

plart · 16/02/2025 12:55

As the "child" of divorced parents, I would say it is unreasonable to expect a birthday dinner with both parents (unless everyone gets on and new partners are invited!).

Pigeonqueen · 16/02/2025 12:58

There is no way adult dd aged 22 would invite her Dad and I to a birthday meal 😳 that’s just odd. It’s normal to do things with each parent separately.

The spineless Dad is the issue here as others have said.

LemonTT · 16/02/2025 13:01

Your daughter should focus on what she can control. Wanting to have dinner with her divorced mother and her father without their partners is expecting too much for most people. She set herself up and she set her father up and his girlfriend up. She created the drama in this situation when it could be avoided by simply not asking too much of others.

I hope you didn’t encourage her in this …..

Adults get to decide who they want to be with. There is no good way to break up people no matter how much you don’t like the new partner.

How would your daughter feel if others interfered with her choice of partner?

Im not saying that her father is making good choices. But he is an adult. He is allowed to make mistakes. There are boundaries in families. Your daughter needs to respect his. There is also something about an adult involving you of all people in his love life.

TomatoSandwiches · 16/02/2025 13:10

Your daughters need to learn and accept the reality of who their father is, at 30yrs old this lesson has been delayed for a significant amount of time, get them some counselling.

Belaymehearties · 16/02/2025 13:12

It's not unreasonable for your DD to to want it if she gets on with him well, but maybe a little naive to think that it'd work out. He sounds unreliable shambles and they have rose tinted glasses. Maybe counselling would help her to unpick their relationship and move forward?

It sounds like my friends XH who has 4 DDs with 3 DW (he was disappointed not have a son) and each new DW/GF is getting younger and younger. The latest is a nightmare towards his DC I suspect because she's jealous and realises she's only temporary until a new shinier version comes along.

Purplecatshopaholic · 16/02/2025 13:24

This is not the girlfriend’s issue. At all. This is 100% the fault of a selfish man. And at 30, your daughter really needs to see and accept that, hard though these things can be. Maybe counselling would help if she still struggles with the reality of their relationship.
And a meal with both your parents, and no partners, when long divorced is a bit unusual to me, I don’t know any friends with divorced parents where this would happen. Big events like weddings where partners are also included would be different.