Husband 20 years doesn’t find me attractive anymore

[Mummyjo71]

Hi I’m struggling right now - husband says doesn’t find me attractive anymore and is not in love with me! That hurt so much. He also said I look better than I have in ages (been gym lost bit weight (only size 10 anyway) got trendy hair cut) but he doesn’t fancy me.
He has been struggling mental health but all along I said if it was work related he would have confided in me. So I knew part of the problem was probably us!
Both our kids aren’t home much anymore preferring spend time at bf gf houses.
I thought we would now enjoy holidays enjoy meals out - went away quote lot last year and got on really well.
He says defo no one else as his mental state means he wants to just be on his own
I’m devastated feels like all my ‘firm ground’ I walked on everyday is now slippery and very rocky.
He doesn’t even want to try and rekindle the spark
I’m feeling so lonely and hurt and like I’m spinning out of control

I reckon there is someone else. Men rarely leave from where their bread is buttered for nothing.

This is simple but true.

Take control OP, ask him when he’s moving out. Don’t let him control you. You make decisions that safeguard your mental health, his MH is his own concern now.

I agree that he’s wanting to move on. There’s no way he’d leave to be alone, and have to wash/cook/clean for himself when he can get it done for him.
Get him to leave so that you can start your new life.

What a load of predictable responses. If a woman wants to leave her marriage as she no longer loves her husband mums net is fully supportive and make no suggestion of another man. God forbid though it happens the other way. It does not always mean another woman despite what posters say. It’s heartbreaking for the op but unfortunately sometimes people do genuinely fall out of love and it doesn’t make them a bad person. I agree though that he does need to move out and let op move on.

It's a reflection of what we have all seen time and again. It is utterly predictable behaviour, hence 'the script'. 'Falling out of love' is such childish bullshit.

I'm so sorry OP. This happened to me a few years ago. My DH also has mental health challenges. In my case I almost had to force it out of him, as his behaviour to me was so confusing and contradictory, and finally he admitted that he didn't love me any more, saw me as just part of the family and wasn't attracted to me anymore. But he wanted to stay together for the sake of the children and finances 🙄

I was totally shocked, and I remember asking him if he thought his feelings for me could ever come back and he said he didn't think so. I had tried everything in previous years to keep our marriage good - personal counselling, working on myself, marriage counselling for us both. In the end I couldn't bear it any more and said we would have to separate. That was a year ago.

As far as I know my DH did not have his head turned by anyone else (if he did, she never appeared!). He has not dated since and says that he feels women and relationships are hard work and he is just content on his own.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, it's devastating to hear that from the person you love.

@buffyajp

Sometimes getting their head turned makes a person realise that they have ‘fallen out of love’ I agree that doesn’t make them a bad person, this happens both sexes but it’s what happens next that counts.

I think honesty is so important, people are complicated though!

Some men don’t leave for a woman that they already have waiting in the wings, they leave because they want to be free to find another, to revisit their youth. But they are still moving on for another woman, or sometimes man.

Thank you everyone x just helps knowing people do care xx

Thank you yep moved him into spare room and he’s popped our bubble and I couldn’t rekindle or take him back after this be constantly worried - just need to gain my confidence and strength from somewhere first and heal from this hurt but I’ve got this. He’s been quite cruel I think but underneath it all I know I’m worth more than him x

How are you now? Sounds so similar x

Another saying there is probably an affair yet to be revealed. My ex did this. "Family life isn't for me, I need to find new friends, I need to be on my own". This man hadn't been on his own since he was about 13. OW was waiting in the wings and while he was pretending he was living in his van (and even set it up to look like that), he had moved straight in with her.

You will get through it, you will build a new life. My advice now is to get your ducks in a row in terms of finances and financial information and see a solicitor sharpish. Also, tell him to move out. He doesn't get to upend your life yet live in the spare room expecting you to do things for him.

Do you work? Do you have Employee Assistance Program you have access to? They give free counselling and even legal advice, it’s totally confidential.
If your husbands workplace have an EAP you have access to they too if you are living in the same house.

I posted yesterday. However, for some reason, I just keep thinking about your original post and updates.

People in long-term relationships usually pay less attention to eath other's looks if everything else is OK.

Yet, in your original post, you referred only to how physically atttractive you are (confirmed by your husband).

From experience of a long-term marriage, whenever my husband and I are in a dump, this is because we stopped listening to the messages of the heart. We would sometimes go through a patch when we are ignoring what the other person is trying to tell us. I am just as guilty of this occasional pattern of behavious as my husband.

Telling your spouse you don't find it them attactive anymore it's not a crime, in my books. It happened to me many years ago and it led to a lot of soul-searching on my part. I corrected some of my behavious and our marriage got stronger as a result.

We have had a few ups and downs since. This is part of being married to someone long-term, in my books. Humans are complex and maintaining a relationship with someome over decades is increadibly challenging work. It does have it rewards.

You have been married for 20 years and there are children involved. Perhaps, getting marriage counselling to get to the bottom why your husband no longer finds you attractive might be a better option compared to divorce?

Standard advice on Mumsnet is to get rid of the useless man. As if it solves everything as we are all so perfect as women, wives and partners.

I don't know why but I felt I had to write another post.