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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Husband 20 years doesn’t find me attractive anymore

39 replies

Mummyjo71 · 13/02/2025 05:45

Hi I’m struggling right now - husband says doesn’t find me attractive anymore and is not in love with me! That hurt so much. He also said I look better than I have in ages (been gym lost bit weight (only size 10 anyway) got trendy hair cut) but he doesn’t fancy me.
He has been struggling mental health but all along I said if it was work related he would have confided in me. So I knew part of the problem was probably us!
Both our kids aren’t home much anymore preferring spend time at bf gf houses.
I thought we would now enjoy holidays enjoy meals out - went away quote lot last year and got on really well.
He says defo no one else as his mental state means he wants to just be on his own
I’m devastated feels like all my ‘firm ground’ I walked on everyday is now slippery and very rocky.
He doesn’t even want to try and rekindle the spark
I’m feeling so lonely and hurt and like I’m spinning out of control

OP posts:
Myotherusernameiswaybetter · 13/02/2025 05:51

That must be hard. Have you got anyone in RL to talk to? Sometimes relationships end. Be kind to yourself, if he is still living with you ask him to move out.

doodahdayy · 13/02/2025 05:52

I'm sorry I can imagine you're shocked. There's nothing you can do unfortunately. I would definitely ask him up go after that

TrtseHkpr · 13/02/2025 05:53

Very sorry OP, but there's a good chance he's met someone else. Men very rarely leave to be alone, they've usually got the next one lined up before they break the news to their partner.

NinnyNa · 13/02/2025 05:55

Ask him when he's leaving then.

What do these men expect from revelations like this? It's a nail in the coffin of a relationship.

doodahdayy · 13/02/2025 05:58

NinnyNa · 13/02/2025 05:55

Ask him when he's leaving then.

What do these men expect from revelations like this? It's a nail in the coffin of a relationship.

To cause maximum hurt then think they can stay at home as friends

doodahdayy · 13/02/2025 05:58

TrtseHkpr · 13/02/2025 05:53

Very sorry OP, but there's a good chance he's met someone else. Men very rarely leave to be alone, they've usually got the next one lined up before they break the news to their partner.

Yeah I think there's someone else.

Therealmetherealme · 13/02/2025 06:02

I'm so sorry you had to hear that, I think it says a lot more about him than you. It sounds like he's unhappy with his life and possibly blaming you a little. Know your worth because it's more than this.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 13/02/2025 06:03

You’re going to be ok.

Myotherusernameiswaybetter · 13/02/2025 06:08

How old are your kids? Maybe get all your financial stuff out and talk about how you are going to split it. He can’t say something like that and expect the relationship to work.

BitOutOfPractice · 13/02/2025 06:09

Oh op I can imagine how devastated you feel. But I’m afraid that I agree with the others, there’s someone else. This is the script all over. I’d ask him to leave asap.

coralsky · 13/02/2025 06:09

I'd be very surprised if there isn't someone else.
Ask him when he's leaving. You deserve much better.
Can you afford to buy him out ?

Kosenrufugirl · 13/02/2025 06:09

Do you like reading? Loving Against the Odds by Rob Parsons literally saved my marriage 10 years ago. I also like Why Women Talk and Men Walk or How to Improve Your Relationship without Talking about It book. Also 5 Languages of Love. I know it's easy to feel dispirited in these situations. Please be kind to yourself. Maintaining a relationship with another human being for any period of time is hard work as we are so complex. Try not to despair. Both my husband and I went through periods of not fancying each other. I think it's fairly common in a long-term marriage. It's possible to recover from this dump.

Blue278 · 13/02/2025 06:12

He doesn’t get to make all the decisions. Now you know the relationship is over you need to have a think what you want and how you want the rest of your life to look.

So. Money and housing first. Do you work? Can you afford two places? Then start to separate your lives now. Separate rooms. No more factoring him in to your planning. Cook for yourselves.

If you’re one of those women who want to fight and try and keep him it’s much more likely he will want to keep you if he knows he’s lost you.

That doesn’t usually happen until he’s tested the reality of life with the new woman or the dating market though!

Be selfish now. Look after yourself.

Uberella · 13/02/2025 06:13

Well you know what OP;fuck him.

You are not responsible for his poor mental health or boring mid life crisis.

You're kids are older and more independent which is good.

Ducks in a row time;get moving asap on that.

Be fully prepared for him to start trotting out the script here;don't do the pick me dance here.

LastNightMyPJsSavedMyLife · 13/02/2025 06:13

He might not but plenty of others will. Remember that!

3luckystars · 13/02/2025 06:14

I doubt it’s anything to do with you, it sounds like he is the one with the problem.

You can never be 100% sure there is anyone else but it’s quite likely. It’s a pity he can’t be honest and it’s cruel he is making you question your looks, it sounds like you look better than ever.

Id be doing some detective work. Good luck x

whatisforteamum · 13/02/2025 06:21

I'm the woman in this scenario.
No one else just depressed and struggling with menopause symptoms which I'm doing everything to sort out.
DH has zero to look after himself and has lots of minor health issues is overweight.
I think OP can wait a bit and see if her DH can sort out his MH before ending the relationship.

Slimbear · 13/02/2025 06:28

On the off chance he has seen/met someone else he is attracted to I would apply myself to planning a future without him. Find out how much money you’d get if you split. Can you afford to keep the house. Pensions?
Speak to a solicitor, think about what you might do, can you afford another house, would DCs be based with you.
You don’t have to follow this up - just know how your future could look rather than constant worry what ifs etc

BitOutOfPractice · 13/02/2025 06:30

whatisforteamum · 13/02/2025 06:21

I'm the woman in this scenario.
No one else just depressed and struggling with menopause symptoms which I'm doing everything to sort out.
DH has zero to look after himself and has lots of minor health issues is overweight.
I think OP can wait a bit and see if her DH can sort out his MH before ending the relationship.

Don’t you think the OP’s husband has ended the relationship already?

MalleusMaleficarumm · 13/02/2025 06:30

If he wants to be in his own then tell him to sling his hook and move out. You’re worth so much more than this man!

Meadowfinch · 13/02/2025 06:32

NinnyNa · 13/02/2025 05:55

Ask him when he's leaving then.

What do these men expect from revelations like this? It's a nail in the coffin of a relationship.

To upset the OP so much she asks him to leave, at which point he can go to the new woman, waiting in the wings, without being the bad guy, the one who ended it.

KhakiOrca · 13/02/2025 06:34

They always blame their mental health when another woman is involved. And the fact is they are struggling mentally with guilt, he would have been struggling with this for a while now before coming to this realisation.

You have now been hit by this bombshell and you are now gonna be struggling too with yours. The fact you have been going to the gym too tells me you have noticed this for a while in him and have been trying to better yourself. Well keep going because it will eventually make you stronger. It's all about you now and let him see that. You need to take care of you.

He will realise his mistake eventually and by then you will be strong enough to have moved on.

If there is someone else then he will probably be back and forth for a while. Don't let that happen as it's so painful when they leave again.

juststrutting · 13/02/2025 06:43

Cherchez la femme
*

Also, read the script.

Brace yourself and get your ducks in a row.

Velvian · 13/02/2025 06:45

KhakiOrca · 13/02/2025 06:34

They always blame their mental health when another woman is involved. And the fact is they are struggling mentally with guilt, he would have been struggling with this for a while now before coming to this realisation.

You have now been hit by this bombshell and you are now gonna be struggling too with yours. The fact you have been going to the gym too tells me you have noticed this for a while in him and have been trying to better yourself. Well keep going because it will eventually make you stronger. It's all about you now and let him see that. You need to take care of you.

He will realise his mistake eventually and by then you will be strong enough to have moved on.

If there is someone else then he will probably be back and forth for a while. Don't let that happen as it's so painful when they leave again.

I agree with this. Seen it happen to family and friends.

BreatheAndFocus · 13/02/2025 06:45

Sorry, but I think he’s got his eye on someone else too (if not already involved). Men fancy someone else, often a colleague, then brood about how their ‘nasty’ wife has tied them down and how much more exciting their life would be without them. They mentally re-write all your history together so none of it was really fun and you made them do things they didn’t want to. They mentally regress to 18yrs old and are desperate to be attractive/be a white knight.

It’s nothing to do with you at all, and everything to do with them. Think about what you want to do and about the financial situation. I’d also keep quiet for now and have a bit of a snoop because knowing what’s going on is freeing, although upsetting and enraging. Don’t bother asking them because they’ll lie.

I know it’s a massive, massive shock, but you’re not alone in having this happen and you’ll come out of this stronger in the end 💐

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