Anyone Else Waiting To Leave?

[Themoonandback23]

Don't want to go into detail but I am getting my ducks in a row currently and due to a couple of forthcoming events, I have decided to wait several months before starting divorce proceedings. Yes, I could leave sooner but it wouldn't make sense for various reasons. I am also prone to overwhelm so want to sort this other stuff first.

Anyone else waiting to get out of a relationship? Married for several years with school age dc and it is taking me a while to get out. On balance I have decided it is the best way forward but the stress of the situation is making it so difficult.

My daughter has her GCSEs this year and I left…it was definitely the right thing to do for us. The atmosphere at home and her relationship with her dad was horrible. I had said I wouldn’t do that but I couldn’t stay.

Talk turned to a summer holiday tonight - I've been trying to avoid it but we would normally have booked by now so it keeps coming up. Right now it feels inconceivable - but saying outright that I didn't want to book would be a declaration so I might have to (but check the cancellation policy...)

His mood was 'good' tonight - but he was being a bit 'goady', especially with DC1 if you know what I mean? Annoying her - (on purpose?)

I have a solicitor's appointment booked next week - just to find out the lay of the land. Has anyone had that? I don't want to start anything yet - just get information.

I need to set up a solicitor meeting, really hoping I can keep the house and not have the upheaval of moving

Holidays are so tricky. We always go away at Easter so was the same @Shouldhavedonesomethingbefore but couldn't refuse without it looking suspicious

Dh was in a foul mood yesterday which affects the whole house as others have said. 3 children are hard work but somehow it's easier when he's not here being an arse to everyone

How's everyone getting on? Me and dh had a massive blow up last night. I really can't do this anymore

What happened? How are you doing

Husband has booked a holiday without informing me he was going to do so. Not happy as I didn't want to go on holiday this year with the way things are but don't want to let dc down.

Usual stuff. Nothing much changes nor will it as communication is broken and I don't want to fix it now. Plodding on waiting for two milestones to pass this year - most likely June and September, I plan to make changes in around a year from now. Christmas will be the turning point then I will be staring change in the face. It feels like a long time given the situation but I'm finding time is passing quickly with all that I need to do.

This was me 10 years ago. I had just gone back to work after maternity leave and I spent the first six months (I was the higher earner) putting money aside and buying essentials and storing them at the flat I owned before I got married. The week I left I took a week off work sick but didn’t tell Ex-H. I left the house as normal and spent the time to getting ready for the move. I opened a personal bank account for my wages, changed my address over on everything I could think and sorted the utilities and council tax etc. On the Friday I moved in and brought the kids there after nursery. This was extreme, but Ex-H was extremely abusive and I knew that I had to be very careful. The divorce was challenging but I’ve barely heard from him since and I’m so much happier.

@purpleandcoralsounds similar to what I’m currently doing (though my children are older and I’m not the high earner) - have rented a flat and have been very busy planning everything, will be off work next week and we will move while partner is on a work trip. Trying to get him to tell me his exact travel plans as I think we have less days than I initially thought, but whatever happens we are going. He has no idea and neither do the children.
How did you feel immediately before you left, and after? I have been wanting to do this for years and stepped up the plan in mid Feb and feel like I’ve been alternately losing my marbles and weirdly calm, but am scared as the day gets closer of how I’m going to go through with it. I can’t think about how I’m going to tell him (well it’s not going to be face to face…) and what exactly I will say. Did you leave a note @purpleandcoral?

@herethereandeverywhatnow I did exactly what you did and I did leave a letter. I’m 5mins in now and have just filed for divorce which I’m waiting on him to confirm.

Anyone else feeling extreme guilt for planning to leave, saving, looking at properties all while H has no idea? 😢 I feel like a terrible person but his actions (verbally abusive and generally awful behaviour) has pushed me to plan secretly. The difficult thing is that his behaviour has “improved” and he pulls himself back before he calls me a horrible name or threatens me like he used to. He’s “matured” and “grown up” and day to day things are normal and calm, we can talk about the children, laugh together and things are not as toxic but this now feels like I’m being a complete cow throwing a grenade into our lives. I dread the day I’m telling him I’m leaving as hes going to be furious with me.

I feel your pain, @HoneyHoneyBee,I'm in the same boat X but I need to get away for my sanity and I know what you mean H is gonna be so furious with me too xx

@herethereandeverywhatnowI sent him an email because I wanted to be able to prove and document my side of the story because at the time I was worried about what he would tell people. At the time I was an Assistant Head and he would always threaten to ‘ruin’ my life with false allegations towards the DC if I left so I wanted it clear that I had left because of his abuse and was of sound mind. With the benefit of hindsight, what he said didn’t really matter, he had no power.

In terms of how I felt, before I left I felt on edge because although it was for the right reasons, it felt like an enormous pressure to keep this huge secret. On the day of the move I was literally going through the motions and focussed on logistics - although I took very little from the house. After we had moved, I felt nothing but relief. I’d switched my phone off - I’d actually bought a new phone and number for everyone else to contact me on as this was pre-blocking numbers days - and this was the only way he could contact me. I just needed the silence to process what had happened. We’ve only heard from him twice since the divorce. Once when my mum died and again when my dad died which I suspect was him trying to intimidate and potential inheritance from me. DC would probably walk past him in the street. They have no idea who he is .

I hope you manage to get away too. I feel so guilty when he talks about our future plans and little things like him coming home in the evening, hearing him pottering around and us chatting about our day, I know I’ll miss that, but the truth is I don’t love him anymore and there’s no going back from the awful things he’s said to me. I do worry about the massive impact on all of our lives, I wonder how people do it X

I'm waiting to leave a long relationship of 30 years. I've been getting my ducks in a row and agonising over how to do it safely for aaaaaaages! But I decided a couple of months ago that I would do a moonlight flit and leave him a note on the kitchen table. It's the only way I can think of to do it and stay safe.
Luckily for me, my husband works away for a few days a month but it's never certain or guaranteed. If he tells me he will be away Monday to Thursday in the week starting the 10th, it could actually be cancelled altogether the night before, or he might go on the Monday but then come back on the Tuesday. So it gives me opportunities for getting my ducks in a row, but not really for moving out because he might come back unexpectedly. It's a bit unnerving with it being so changeable.
BUT there is one week a year in the summer when I can be sure he will be away, when the multinational company he works for, has its annual conference in the US. The week won't be changed or shortened or cancelled, it will be a whole week of CXO activities, guaranteed. It's the same every year.
So I have laser focused on this week in the summer. I've booked a self hire van, a storage facility, an AirBnB, opened a new sole bank account (and thought of an excuse for when the paperwork comes through). I've found a phone provider that will let me start a Pay as you Go contract without taking address details so I know they can't write to me and I've bought a cheap Android phone to put the SIM card in, and I've started switching things to my new phone number. I hide the Android phone with the battery out while OH is home so it can't make a noise.
Today, OH tells me full of joy, that the annual conference has been cancelled due to Trump making it difficult for some foreigners to get visas, so it's going to be a virtual conference in 2025.
Really???? FML.
I just feel numb tonight.
But, hey ho, I'll get up tomorrow and fight another day, find another route and start cancelling or amending arrangements I've made 💪💪💪
Thank you for letting me vent if anyone has got this far. I haven't told anyone in real life so thank you Mumsnet for being here!

Oh no! You must be so disappointed and frustrated 😣 I really feel for you. Could you book the Air BnB and gradually move your things into it/into storage when your husband is working overnight? So as soon as you know for sure he’s gone, start moving stuff? I won’t be able to take everything I own unless I tell H before I move. I don’t drive so it’s gonna be extra difficult. Wishing you strength and good luck 🤞

I’m planning on getting my new place ready in secret and gradually moving my stuff into it like some clothes, bedding, documents etc. I won’t be able to take everything unless I actually tell H I’m leaving in advance. I may have to but then I have to live with his reaction for a month/2 months while I get my new place ready.

How do you sneak stuff out when you have a ring doorbell?? I’m taking no furniture, just my clothes and some of the children’s items. Everything else I will have to leave behind 😢

Turn the wifi off at the wall socket. Ring door bells need wifi to work Ive discovered as part of my plans! Test it out. I tested it just to make sure it didn't alert him that the wifi had been turned off. I turned the wifi off at the socket and planned to say that I'd done it by accident when turning an electric fan on in the adjacent socket, if he somehow saw that I'd done it, but that was 2 weeks ago and nothing has been said 🙏 and everything in the house seemed to reconnect itself with no notifications when I turned it back on. Test it out, when he's not there for a while.

Thank you, I’ll try this!