Anyone Else Waiting To Leave?

[Themoonandback23]

Don't want to go into detail but I am getting my ducks in a row currently and due to a couple of forthcoming events, I have decided to wait several months before starting divorce proceedings. Yes, I could leave sooner but it wouldn't make sense for various reasons. I am also prone to overwhelm so want to sort this other stuff first.

Anyone else waiting to get out of a relationship? Married for several years with school age dc and it is taking me a while to get out. On balance I have decided it is the best way forward but the stress of the situation is making it so difficult.

Yep. I’m hoping to make it a year. I have an overdraft and a credit card that needs paying off. (Both were used for family expenses). Dh is the higher earner and I’ve only got 10 years left to work. I’m probably looking at a life of, if not poverty, certainly not plenty. But I just need peace.

Me! Although recently I've made it clear that I've emotionally checked out. I'm living with a highly neurotic, contrary DH. Me and the DC walk on egg shells. Very complicated as we own a business together. Here's what I am working on:

1. There's no houses to rent where I am.
2. Savings and investments are all in joint names.
3. Thinking of getting a regular job and not working for our company any more.

This was me last year…good luck!

Can you give us any tips please trailblazer?

At the beginning of the New year for me. It will be a change in financial circumstances for me but doable I believe (I have already consulted a solicitor). It will mean living on a lot less but I also need the peace and yes, I feel like I'm treading on egg shells. It's awful but I know it makes sense to wait just that bit longer. One issue is a transition for one of my dc and the other is related to finances. Then Christmas out of the way. If it were only me and not dc I think it would probably be in a few months.

Yes. DC is in year 10 now, so going to hang in there until next summer. Maybe longer if doing Alevels.

We did briefly spilt up during covid.We tried again and it was ok for a while.

But i dont feel the same way anymore. We have zero sex life. He hurt me badly in the past for several reasons (hence first spilt). I dont hate him, we do get on. Friends really.

DH is fully aware of how i feel. Think he just wants to put his head in the sand.

I left without a clear plan, but essentially after nine months of stress and angst including me saying it was over once and then going back on it, I decided I needed to up and leave.

I found an Airbnb which I rented for two months so I could literally just leave with my personal belongings and not have to worry about bills, furniture, everything! It gave me headspace to make a plan.

Within a month I had found a house to rent and I then set about furnishing it whilst still in my Airbnb and then we moved (me and DD16) two days before Christmas. It’s a six month rental term at the moment so not a permanent solution.

Stbx has been very difficult (took six weeks off work, obsessed over me being mentally ill, bombarded me with messages, videos, poems etc) and still doesn’t accept it. I haven’t applied for the divorce yet but plan to next week as I need to move on with getting my finances sorted. Our savings are all in his name which has been tricky but I’ve bought lost things on interest free credit to get me set up.

Yes, I am. DD2 is about to sit her GCSEs in May/June and I want to wait until she has her results and her 6th form place sorted.

It's hard, DH is a lovely person but I don't love him anymore. I'm not expecting fireworks with anyone else but I can't live like this for another 25 years. He is seven years older than me and is talking about retirement and moving back to our home town and I feel like our lives are going in different directions.

With hindsight the kids have been the glue in our marriage and if we didn't have them we wouldn't still be together.

Thanks for all the replies. It's so difficult hanging around in a sort of limbo state though I suppose it isn't quite limbo as things are happening behind the scenes. It won't come as big news to stbexh. Our relationship has been over for quite some time. I'm not sure it will be a complete shock to my dcs who know that things aren't right. However, it will involve a major upheavel and one I want behind me and not in front of me. In the meantime, I'm living a good life in other aspects of my life - interests, friends etc. What I want more than anything though, is a sense of peace and it isn't here in the present.

@Missusnomore I'm in a very similar situation- and similar H too . I do care about him but find him really really hard to live with and at 63 I'm fed up of everything being about him - he's turned from a funny bohemian and caring/ new man guy in his 30s into victor meldrew on speed in late 50s /early 60s who does very little round house and always in a bad mood/stressed and I feel like the whipping post - fed up of it

Yes, me! I have emotionally checked out. I long to live my own life and be free of being controlled. I've had a free half hour phone call with a solicitor and feel a bit more empowered. 35 years married and in my early 60s. Decluttering and sorting out financial stuff. It's a massive step for me though.
@trailblazer42 the Airbnb sounds a great idea! Will bear that in mind. Will probably need to rent at first too. Not sure what I could afford at the moment...

Have a three year old. Biologically mine. But as we're married, a divorce would mean 50/50 custody of him and I can't image that. So here's to another 15 years of crying tears after everyone's in bed. If I could walk away with him and full custody, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

I am. Two children, 12 years married- 14 years together. I’m quietly getting my ducks in a row, I’m saving as much money as I can and picking up household items and storing them in our house. I’ll be the one to move out and I won’t tell DH until I have somewhere to move to. I’m very apprehensive as in some ways life will be more complicated and expensive! But I will be free and no longer feel trapped like I’m living a lie.

DH knows I’ve checked out, I do worry about his reaction and what he might be capable of post separation.

Those who are moving out - how are you going to work out finances/collecting the rest of yours and some of the children’s stuff?

Once I tell him I will have to take my name off the lease and completely separate our finances as I won’t be able to afford rent on two places. I’ve had a long time to plan but DH will be told straight away with no notice (due to DA) I worry about him managing financially even though he earns 5 times more! Also what’s stopping him from changing the locks and no allowing me access to my stuff?

In the meantime I’m just quietly planning and waiting…

Are you sure that he would have to have your son 50% of the time even though he is not biologically his? (Post divorce) Sorry for asking as I’m sure you’ve looked into this?

Hey yes honeyhoneybee, we had IVF through a clinic and used a donor. Also as we were married at this time and my OHs name is on the birth certificate and had full parenteral rights :(

Me too. Husband is an alcoholic, in denial about his drinking. Married 30 years, 2 adult kids. Luckily we are fairly well off. He knows I am unhappy and frankly despise him now. Planning to get all paperwork together over the next fee months.

It's difficult waiting it out. Once you have made the decision. But I know it is sensible in my case. There is never a good time is there but some times are better than others. I plan to get on with my life in all other ways in the interim and try not to wish time away but really this is not an authentic way of living and I wish I could fast forward time or events in time. Things should look different in a couple of years time.

Me too - oldest child has exams this year, and I'm going to spend that time getting everything together and seeing a solicitor. Together 23 years, married 18, 2 high school age kids. I am the higher earner by a long way (his freelance career has been in freefall since COVID), and will be aiming to buy him out of the house. He's got a significant drink problem and hasn't contributed much financially in 5 years (nothing towards mortgage and bills). I keep hoping there might be some hope left, that he might yet change, but I know I'm kidding myself. Solidarity to all of you in this boat. I'm going to assume the universe put this post in my eyeline for a reason!

I'm getting my ducks in a row too. I was also planning on waiting till after oldest DCs exams this year. But it's a horrific atmosphere at the moment.

We have barely spoken since last week - I was trying to get him to do something about his angry moods which have been a real problem (he was taking them out on me and oldest DC). He won't talk, I don't think he can.

I really don't think I can live like this much longer. And I don't want to disrupt her exams, but surely this isn't helping her.

Sorry OP, this isn't a helpful post. It's just such a miserable situation.

Shouldhavedone. It doesn't have to be a helpful post, it is more about mutual support and sitting with this thing we know is going to happen. Having planned to leave, I just want to get on with it now. Whilst there is never a good time, I do believe I'm taking a sensible approach whilst waiting for a couple of things to fall into place - one financial, one transitional for my dc. I have no doubt, this is going to happen. It is giving me time to get a few things up together but honestly, leaving tomorrow would be the preferred option on an emotional level. My mental health is suffering because this is an emotionally abusive and toxic situation. I don't want to wish time away whilst on this timeline and I've got things to look forward to, thankfully.

@HoneyHoneyBee sounds like we are in a very similar boat - we've been together 13 years, 2 primary school age children, but we're not married.
I've been increasingly unhappy for 5+ years and 2 years ago I realised that I live in an emotionally abusive relationship and I can't stay long term. But there was never a good moment - I was waiting for it to get "really bad" without realising that once it did, I would still feel just as trapped and stuck.
To answer this:
Those who are moving out - how are you going to work out finances/collecting the rest of yours and some of the children’s stuff?
I can't believe it but I'm actually going in less than a month, after deciding in September that I had to go sooner rather than later. I'd been saving as much as possible for the last few years and though it's pretty ruinous financially it's doable because of my savings, and I've found a place to rent in our area of London - still 10 mins from the children's school. My plan is to leave and tell him only after we've gone - I don't know yet if I will clear out all of our stuff or intend to come back, but something tells me I need to take the lot. But something tells me getting back to an empty house will trigger an absolute explosion of anger from him (though I won't be here, I plan to leave while he's on a work trip).
Discussing finances with him will be a nightmare as he is awful about money (he earns 3x my fairly decent wage, but is an arsehole about it) and I have no idea how we will agree custody etc. but my intention is to rent the flat I've found for a year, and meanwhile probably our family home will be sold and I'll use my (small 🙄) share of the equity to buy a place for me and the children.
Sending solidarity to all of you, I wouldn't wish this scenario on my worst enemy...

Can I please join this thread. In exactly the same position, we have an Easter holiday booked so counting down the weeks until we're back from there, I also had an epiphany on our 10th wedding anniversary last year of wtf am I doing with my life and started making plans. I've started my own business which is just about making enough to cover the mortgage and bills, it will be tight but I'd rather be poor than spend any more of my life trapped in this marriage. Hoping this thread can be the hand hold I need.

@herethereandeverywhatnow and @HoneyHoneyBee - very similar situation here. I feel just don't know anything at the moment... is it better to stay and play normal to get older DC through key exams? Or is the atmosphere going to be so bad that'll be worse for her??

Also - is anyone else's DH acting like everything's peachy? (After days of not speaking and the only reason we are is for logistics...) It's making me feel crazy!

It’s so difficult acting like everything is normal. Things are pretty calm and normal at the moment-the last horrible few weeks was in February then before that in the lead up to Christmas. He can be very reasonable and nice but things can turn very quickly. I sometimes think it’s such a shame that he’s said the awful things he’s said to me and behaved the way he’s done as he can be so reasonable and we can actually get on fine and enjoy each other’s company. If he hadn’t said and done all that I wouldn’t be planning to leave. Birthday’s/anniversaries and Christmas is hard as it’s hard not to feel like a fraud.

I’ll be the one to leave, just waiting on a suitable place. It’s hard.

If the atmosphere is awful I would say you are better off leaving sooner rather than later. Hope you are ok x

I second the Airbnb approach. I did exactly the same thing as after I told my ex it was over he kept shifting the goal posts as to when he would move out & generally was vile, abusive & it was impossible to live in that situation. He thought he could control me as at the time I was a SAHM and he was the big earner. However I booked an Airbnb for a week initially then negotiated an extension with the owners directly for a cheaper price (always do this- Airbnb owners love direct long term bookings as they don't pay commission to Airbnb & don't have to pay cleaners for lots of changeovers like with shorter stays) and ended up staying for 2 months. In that time I got myself a job & secured a rental property. It gave me the space & time to take control of the situation & I recommend it to anyone as a good first step.