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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Messing with head

6 replies

NCfirst · 31/01/2025 04:44

My husband of 24 years left just before Christmas and moved in with his father. The relationship had become toxic and we needed to separate. We have a 11 DS and 7 DD.

The house feels lighter now and despite me telling him I'm at peace and content he is continually telling me that I still love him and finding reasons to come round to fix things etc. said he refuses to give up 24 years I've looked him in eye and said don't love him anymore but he won't take it. Just wondering if this is a phase they go through till they realise it is over. Then I'm anxious for when that happens as suspect it will all get a bit messy and nasty.

He's only been round so much this last week as he has been sent home from his work to sort his head out. Keeps talking about big plans, joint bank accounts, holidays etc.

To add some context he literally locked himself away from family life, not showing up at weekends, staying in his own room. he showed i could be a single parent whilst he lived here.

Not sure what I'm asking just feeling a little alone and up thinking about it all

OP posts:
Happyinarcon · 31/01/2025 05:34

This is a sad situation OP. I wonder if him coming round to the house will be part of a slow letting go for him, like a transition phase that will give him time to adjust. But that’s just me being optimistic. He buried his head in the sand while being married, and now he’s burying his head in the sand about being divorced

trailblazer42 · 31/01/2025 08:10

This is my life right now. Only I moved out.

This was my post about it two months after moving out: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/5239986-aibuif-you-left-when-do-you-stop-giving-them-time

I did ask him to stop getting in contact and he has massively dialled it down but at any opportunity I still get the ‘I am the one who will make you happy’ messages.

AIBU...If you left, when do you stop 'giving them time'?! | Mumsnet

Brief background: together since 18 - 24yrs, married 20, not been happy for a long time, fallen out of love with husband due to some of his behaviour....

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/5239986-aibuif-you-left-when-do-you-stop-giving-them-time

trailblazer42 · 31/01/2025 09:33

Sorry I didn’t mean to make that about me!

What I meant was, you’re not alone in this. I too have looked him in the eye and said I want to love him but I just don’t feel anything. It’s not hate but having moved out three months ago I haven’t missed him for a moment. I just don’t have any emotional connection there anymore.

PoltergeistsStartLowKey · 31/01/2025 09:38

He's trying to hoover you back in. It's Hoovering.

Just hear it as white noise. When he starts, just ignore it, show him the door and eventually he will cop on. He sounds dense quite honestly.

NCfirst · 01/02/2025 02:44

Thanks everyone, it's very hard especially with the kids involved.
I hadn't heard about hoovering but reading up on it now.

OP posts:
SprySheep · 01/02/2025 05:18

Yes be prepared for it to get nasty once the realisation hits that you're serious it's over. My ex would say things like 'he will get me back, I do love him & he won't accept it' like I had no mind of my own. He got very nasty & it became harassment. I hope in your case it doesn't go that far. But be prepared. Set boundaries, grey rock him, stop letting him come round

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