I don't understand how this is my life now

[Ughhhhhhh]

Hello,
Namechanged to post. In case someone recognises me, I guess.

I honestly am not sure why I'm even posting. I just don't know how I got here and this is my life now.

My husband announced a few weeks ago he wants to separate. Since then it's come out that he has been seeing someone else. He's been an absolute ass at every opportunity. Highlights include: expecting me to pay him £40 to keep the drinking glasses in our home (he's moving out). Already booked a holiday with OW and her kid (and our kids) to go abroad in May - he introduced them to her before they even knew we were separating. Etc.

We have two kids, age 5 (just) and 2 (literally just). And I just can not get over the fact that I'm not going to see my kids everyday. Or that they will have two homes. Or that this is even my life. It all feels like it's happening to someone else. I just feel so... Numb. I don't know.

I think the thing that really pisses me off is that if he had spent even a tiny bit of the last year or so booking holidays or helping with the kids, the housework, the mental load, the sleep deprivation etc in literally any way I don't think we would be here.

We were together for 11 years and I was blindsided. How will I ever trust anyone ever again?

Would love to hear some stories from the other side because right now I feel like I'm simultaneously drowning and unable to feel a thing.

OP, I'm so sorry. Sounds like he is following the script, plenty of similar stories on the relationships board. The most important things you can do now are to surround yourself with people who will support you emotionally and protect yourself and your DC financially. Gather up all the documentation you can on the family finances, and write down any contribution you made financially and gather proof, and the contribution you made for the family by taking any time away from work, and how that has impacted your pension, future earnings, and career prospects.

You'll need to think about how often he will see DC, how many nights I believe is the thing that can affect maintenance payments.

You need to apply for a single person discount on your council tax.

Try and define what your costs will be going forward. Who will pay for childcare when you are both working and so on. Do not be in a situation where he is not paying his share and you are only working part time.

This is a lucky escape for you, I know it doesn't seem that way now.

He has been clearly been no support to you while he was living there, so your life will probably get easier and you will have a break from DC when he has them. I know that it will be terribly difficult being away from them particularly when they are so young.

@Apileofballyhoo Thank you so much for replying. I honestly wept at your lovely response.

Yes, you're right. I need to think practically. I have done some of those things, but not all.
He's adamant that he wants the kids specifically 104 night a year (so that he's having them the literal smallest amount for that CM bracket), but even that many nights away from them seems so many. I've never had a night away from the youngest and only 3 from the oldest - when I was in hospital giving birth!

My family are.. complicated, at best. They try on their own way but honestly I always thought he was the person I could trust the most. I feel like such a fool.

I'm so, so sorry 😞 all I can think to say is in the time you don't have them give so much to yourself and be the best person you can be so you'll have so much to give them on return and they'll see and feel that.. hopefully you will have them more than that xx

Does anyone know much about CM? He's adamant they told him he wouldn't have to pay as much as he has to commute via train for work 3x a week. Does that sound realistic? I called them to find out but as he won't confirm he's moving out they won't assess yet.

In the meantime he won't pay for anything and I work 30hrs a week so not a massive earner. (25k take home). I might just about manage that but I really don't know if it's possible.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, but stay strong. Look into Universal Credit and there is a Child Maintenance Calculator available that is easy to use.
I got through it and never looked back..... I had my house, no furniture at the time, but I managed x

@Rowen32 That's such a lovely way to think of it, thank you.
Yes, it will be nice in some ways to get a little time to myself. I think I feel weirdly guilty saying that, if I'm honest.
I don't know. On one hand I will miss them so much, on the other hand so much of me has been consumed by motherhood (the eldest also has additional needs) that it might be nice to remind myself who I am under it all.

You are welcome, OP, again I'm so sorry this has happened to you. There is a fantastic series of threads on the relationships board by a woman called onitlikeacarbonnet, she's an absolute inspiration. Similarly to you her DH announced he wanted to separate and he was having an affair, and turned nasty very quickly.

Get him out of the house as quickly as you can if he hasn't gone completely. You need to switch your mind set from him being your person to him not being a friend at all, but an adversary.

In time you'll probably realise he was never your person, but seemed like he was in comparison to your less than helpful family.

Do you have good friends?

Sorry you are going through this, what a toad he is!

I'm not aware that commuting time/costs are taken into account when calculating Child maintenance. You can use the cm calculator on the .gov website as if you would be paying cm, it doesn't ask for any information on commuting.

@GJMJ I'm so pleased you got through it and are better for it. I know logically I will feel better. It just doesn't feel like it right now.
I will look into both if those if I can get him to agree to move out. He's currently treating our home as a hotel and coming back as and when he pleases but not contributing anything. He even expects me to cook him meals when he graces us with his presence!

I'm almost certain commuting isn't a factor.

Try to eat when you can

Try to be stable and smile with the kids.

You need to tell him to leave

And are you cooking him those meals he expects?? I certainly hope not!

I think if you are now separated, even if he's still staying at the house, you can apply for UC, or benefits if you qualify.

Who owns the house, is it the both of you? Can you afford the mortgage on your own? Ask him why he's no longer contributing financially when he's still living there?

Is it right that CMS will not assess even though you are separated now? I know he's still coming back to the house, but you're no longer together and he's paying nothing right now. That really sucks. He's a proper cunt.

Please do not be doing anything for him, no cooking, no laundry, just you concentrate on looking after the children and yourself, and trying to sort out your finances.

@Apileofballyhoo I will look up those threads, thank you.
He's not gone yet - he won't leave. Which has the added bonus of blocking me from getting any CM or UC. I suspect he's aware and is purposely refusing to move on that basis to be honest.
I know you're right and I really need to switch my mindset. The thing is, even when he's a dick I sometimes think I'd take him back. And then I hate myself for thinking that. I always thought I was a strong and independent person, but I feel like if I would take him back despite it all I must be so weak.
What kind of example am I for my kids?
Oh god, sorry, this is such a mess. I do feel better just thinking/typing this through, though. Thank for allowing me the space to do it.

Yes, I do, only a couple of good friends, but good nonetheless. I'm trying not to rely on them too much to be honest. I think just because I'm bored of hearing myself talk about it so they must be. And one of them is going through her own very serious stuff right now...

@crackadawn That's reassuring, thank you. He's so certain they said they will take it into account and honestly it makes a big difference to how likely it is I can afford to live.

I'm trying to be normal with the kids, but my littlest did catch me crying on the kitchen floor (I'd just broken something and it was a bit of a camels back moment). As she's only just 2 I'm hoping she won't be too affected or remember, she looked so sad and confused, it made me cry harder, bless her.

@ReadingSoManyThreads

No, I'm not. I've been very firm on that. Much to his loud and lengthy disgust.

UC are saying the won't assess me as single because he's technically living here, I've stated a few times were separated but they won't seem to accept it. The website it a bit ambiguous so I don't know if it's down to interpretation? And then CMS said they only calculate if we would be classed as separate benefits claims. So a bit of a catch 22.

He says he's not paying because he doesn't live here. But then says he does live here so he doesn't have to pay CM....

We both own the house, yes. Its a fairly cheap house, I could probably afford to pay the mortgage on its own, but I don't think I could afford to pay it plus the loan/extra mortgage I assume I'll have to take out to pay him his half of the equity, plus childcare (for nursery age child) etc. Not without CM and potentially UC if I would get it.

You can get UC even if he is living there. You just have to be separated. Lots of people have to share a house although separated. (And I'd think the holiday with the OW proves that.)
Get legal advice, and don't forget to go for his pension.

@MollyButton Thank you. I will call again tomorrow and be firmer.
I know it's awful but I think part of me is embarrassed/ashamed to push for it as I'm ashamed I need it to be honest.

Soooo many emotions. What a fucker.

Hello! Ex husband serial cheat here. Did all the same things you describe. Honestly I stayed way longer than I should because I wanted to tuck my kids into bed every night.

Two Years down the line... honestly it's fine. I miss them but it's manageable. I'm not miserable in a shitty marriage. I get some down time to myself. I met a wonderful new man (over 18 months after separating and doing some healing)

I couldn't have lived with my kids thinking it's ok to treat any woman the way he was treating me.

It will be properly shit for a while. And the OW stunts will intensify. But you will get through it, it does get easier and feel free to message me if you want to chat!

Remember, you are sad for and want back the person you thought he was. Not the person he is.
He sounds like he's enjoying weilding power where he can. Try to be cool, show him as little as you can of what you're thinking and feeling.

A charity universal credit essentials are excellent for getting advice for UC on how to correct UC when they make mistakes & help with what legislation to quote. They have a website. You can definitely have a single claim even if he stays in the house Because you have separated & are living separately (eg no shares bills/meals etc)

Can also apply for child maintenance. Overnights reduce the amount but until he moves out & starts taking them you will get more. Him travelling to work means nothing. Him travelling to see his kids is taken into account. If he lives with new gf & her kids, that will also reduce his maintenance unfortunately.

Also just either apply for UC or if you are in receipt, submit a change of circumstances as single. You don't need to call and ask permission. If you are eligible, then you can apply. He will be classed as another adult living in your home & there is a deduction for that. I'm sure the deduction is £75

What a bastard. I am so sorry this happening to you . I am stressing this man is a blessing in disguise. I can’t believe he is so cold and cruel . You will have a bright future, he will always be a nasty piece of garbage and no doubt ruin more lives .

Just apply to CMS. They calculate and you can appeal if you think its wrong and they will review. The benefit is the decision being made by someone else so you can just shut down any discussion and direct him to CMS. Do keep track of the nights as they review annually and if he hasnt done 104 you can then change it. He may not do as many as he says.

Does your child get DLA? you get extra UC as a carer.

You have to play hardball with the childcare and insist an overnight means 24 hours - dont get caught doing / paying for the before and after school childcare and him just picking up after work / in evening. He is responsible for childcare costs on his days. Sort drop off and pick up to / from the nursery. Dont agree to a schedule when you are upset and vulnerable which will impact your career later.

There is also the option of you moving out with DC, renting while the financial situation is resolved / house is sold and you claim housing benefit +UC (you can do this for a period while legal side resolved). Get legal advice before doing that though - but if you dont intend to keep the house anyway then it doesnt have to be you left struggling with the mortgage - he's equally liable to pay it. You cant get housing benefit for a mortgage. You can get a mortgage holiday (but that may affect you remortgaging / affect credit rating). If the mortgage is not paid it will affect his credit rating too. Keep records so you can show what you have paid as the mortgage would be a joint debt in the divorce.

Do a money audit using moneysavingexpert eg cancel subscriptions, sort council tax, switch utilities, make sure you arent liable for any debts / no joint accounts / credit cards etc

Its really early days for you so dont be bounced into making any decisions you can just say I'm not ready to make that decision. The court has massive delays for finances so nothing will happen quickly.

My ex was the same using the dc in a financially motivated calculated way. It was sickening.

Is your child entitled to a disabled childrens social worker - they came into their own when I separated and I got direct payments to buy in some support + they know about benefits (and very familiar with dads of kids with addiitonal needs who disappear for a new easier life).

So sorry you’ve found yourself in this position 😞
I was blindsided by my STBXH in June when he admitted he was having an affair and in love with a woman young enough to be my daughter.
Looking back,‘I don’t know how I held it together. He refused to move out initially but once I got all his Form E documents and realised the full extent, length and full betrayal of the affair, I shamed him into not coming back.
It’s so hard. We had been together 19 years.
I can’t get my head round the fact he’s become a total stranger and no longer has my interests at heart at all. He absolutely hates me even though I’ve done nothing wrong. He totally lies and gas lights me when I let my guard down.

I miss DC more than I can say. I work away sometimes so DC was used to me not being there but I hate the fact that when I’m not working, he’s taking them on fun days out with OW. He’s already got a new house with her and booked a summer holiday 😢
For me it’s a really lonely hard time.
i hate it all xx

I'm sorry you're going through this. He sounds like a waste of space!
Try to reframe your new situation to look at the new gains. You'll be free of this unsupportive, cheating man. He's going to be sharing the kids. Good - that will free up some time for you. How will you spend it? Working more hours to have more £, studying for a course you've always wanted to do, socialising, putting your feet up and having a well earned rest?

Obviously, trusting someone again will be incredibly difficult but put that thought to one side for now. Invest in you, build your independence/ self-esteem/resilience.

There are positives to be found in even the most difficult circumstances.❤️

Been there, survived that (just about). I made very many mistakes to get to this point, the main one was me being too soft on my ex husband. I should have been more practical. Try and think in more practicable terms about things like housing, child maintenence, children's holidays, council tax, accessing support from the kids school and other things you can have some control over. I'm so sorryyou are going through this, but you are not alone, you can always check in here.