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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Just separated and very scared. Please read

33 replies

Singster1986 · 29/01/2025 03:43

Hi everyone
i I just wondered if anyone can give advice.
In a nutshell husband and I have split. He earns an awful lot of money (approx £230k) and I have always worked part time no more than about £7-9k per year as have looked after the home and bought daughter up (now 12) Last year I set up on my own in a little business but have earned barely anything and have had to shut it down for the foreseeable future because of the situation so I earn nothing really.
I have no money in my name at all. The house is in his name. He currently wants me to move out of the house even though it’s 4 bedrooms so I have said no I am not leaving because I want to be there for my daughter because no matter what she needs her mum. None of my family live where I do they are all 3 hours away and all of his are local so if I leave I have no where to go. He is watching my every move on our joint account so I’m terrified to spend any money and quite frankly I am on my knees.
Please, somebody tell me that I will be ok 😥 all I want is peace in my heart and a new life for me and my daughter so that she can enjoy her life with a happier mum and dad but I feel like the walls are closing in on me even though I know I have absolutely made the right decision. I’m in for a rocky ride and I’m so scared and feel so alone. I know he will dispute everything and I’m not sure I have it in me.

He also has a much more expensive solicitor than me by the sounds of it. I have spoken to mine and she has said that that might be the case. But the the law is the law and we will fight your corner every step of the way. But I’m so so worried and anxious right now. 😥 any reassurance would be very much appreciated xx

OP posts:
ThatBusyPanda · 29/01/2025 04:14

Sorry I don’t have any advice but didn’t want to read and run - hang in there, it’s a huge upheaval for you but I’m sure you’ll be better off in the long run. You sound like a great mum and a very strong woman so you’ll be ok, don’t worry.

Can you get someone to lend you some money short term? This sounds financially abusive so I wonder if Women’s Aid or someone could help or advise you?

Sending love and hugs xxx

SometimesCalmPerson · 29/01/2025 04:41

It will be ok. You will come out of this with a decent settlement as he’s a high earner.

If you work part time, can you see if you can get more hours and ensure your wage is paid into an account that is only yours? You need to make plans about how you’re going to support yourself and your daughter after the divorce is over. It might be scary, but taking control of your own life will be empowering.

TammyJones · 29/01/2025 06:41

Your solicitor should be able to tell you your rights , but as you are married - uk anyway, it's usually half the house , after mortgage, child support while in full time education, and maybe spousal maintenance if husband is a high earner.
Is the marriage totally over ?
Can you not work out a solution to splitting between you for your dd sake?

Passmetheaero · 29/01/2025 06:50

How much is the house worth and what is the equity? You’ll get at least 50% of that equity, hopefully enough to go towards a new home for you and your child if you rent initially.

anon20 · 29/01/2025 06:57

If it's a joint account then surely he can't stop you from using some of the money. Does he expect you and your dd to go without? Sorry for what you're going through OP. Stick to your guns and don't move out.

bigboykitty · 29/01/2025 07:02

Good of him to leave you in absolutely no doubt what a totally abusive prick he is. Tell him he's welcome to move out but you won't be moving out of your home. Please seek domestic abuse support as others have suggested.

unsync · 29/01/2025 08:47

It will be rough, but you will find the strength to cope. In the long run, you will be much better off without him. Any man who treats the mother of his child and his child in this way is an arse. You do not have to do what he says, listen to your solicitor and take their advice.

Start thinking about what you want for your future. Do you want to move closer to your family? Focus on rebuilding a better future.

Speak to your solicitor about whether you can get interim maintenance before a settlement is in place, so that you don't have to worry so much about money.

Original poster
Singster1986 · 29/01/2025 08:51

The house was bought I think for 200k but I think we took some money out to do some work many years ago for about £30k.
I think it's now worth about £360k. I just can't even think straight I'm so worried

OP posts:
Original poster
Singster1986 · 29/01/2025 08:52

I don't work at the moment. I started my own business last year at home and have had to shut it down as a result of what is going on because I can't do the work as I am at the moment. My mental health is in tatters and I think he will try to use that against me

OP posts:
Mooselooseinmyhoose · 29/01/2025 08:59

The cost of his solicitor is irrelevant! I know plenty of expensive but useless solicitors! And plenty of reasonably priced excellent ones.

In short, because you are married, everything he has belongs to both of you. If you have not worked to be there for the family this needs to be reflected in a settlement.

The starting point in law is 50/50 but a share can go up on down based on need. It seems like he has a good earning potential so it's possible that you may have greater needs for equity.

So don't panic. It will be OK. Consider putting in a benefits application NOW if he's not supporting you and you have no access to money. And get your solicitor to start the ball rolling on divorce application so you can apply for the financial settlement .

It's scary but you will be ok.

R053 · 29/01/2025 09:02

Singster1986 · 29/01/2025 08:52

I don't work at the moment. I started my own business last year at home and have had to shut it down as a result of what is going on because I can't do the work as I am at the moment. My mental health is in tatters and I think he will try to use that against me

The courts have seen game players like your ex before so try not to worry. Your ex DH is hoping you will be so intimidated you just give up and walk away with nothing. It’s also normal to have mental health stress during a separation and divorce.

Put boundaries in place. Be businesslike and only talk about the children - access and practical stuff like that. Insist that financial settlement matters only be discussed through your solicitors.

Good luck and trust your solicitor.

Tootingbec · 29/01/2025 09:06

Under no circumstances move out of the house (unless you are worried for your safety)

If he wants you to move out then he can crack on with sorting the divorce and selling the house to provide you with some equity to get your own place.

Your solicitor is correct. The default is 50/50 split on assets. Having an expensive lawyer won’t make any difference-unless he is a tax exile millionaire trying to hide his assets.

Do you have a good trusted friend or relative you can talk to and provide some moral support ans perspective?

It will be ok on the end OP - but it’s ok to feel anxious and scared right now

LuluBlakey1 · 29/01/2025 09:12

You will get a settlement and maintenance but you will need to get yourself a full-time job and take responsibility for making a career and supporting yourself.

What did you do before you had DD? What could you do?

Don't leave your home or let him do anything to affect the equity in it eg re-mortgage and take out equity to pay off a loan.

bombastix · 29/01/2025 09:18

Don't leave the house, this will give him all the negotiating power as well as a tough lawyer. You would be screwing yourself.

This man is going to be paying you spousal maintenance so make sure your lawyer has a clue. Get interim maintenance and don't you dare start economizing if you want a decent settlement,

bombastix · 29/01/2025 09:20

Concerned that on these figures your solicitors have not suggested interim maintenance to support you and the children. You seem like an ideal candidate

Blueglazzier · 29/01/2025 09:20

Your emotions and fear are overwhelming you and I experienced such fear when I found the courage to divorce too . But remind yourself every moment of every day why you made this decision. He is unkind and selfish . Your choice is to be strong and brave and independent or you choose to stay. I had no one , no family and the future terrified me but looking back I'm a different person , strong and independent and life turned out OK for me . It will turn out OK for you too . Be brave and wishing you a happier healthier life 🙏

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 29/01/2025 09:49

Find all the financial information you can: mortgage, house value, pension(s) value, what you'd get from CMS

UnemployedNotRetired · 29/01/2025 11:29

Focus on being a good mother to your child. Establish a good routine for you both.

Assuming the daughter is his daughter, and you've been married a little while, then things may take time but you have good rights. However, you probably want a line in the sand at 50% of all assets (housing, pension, savings) and then child maintenance.

It may then be good to move a little away from 50% if that has advantages for you (e.g. more of the house, less of the pension).
It's going to be a tough ride, though.

If separated, then now you can claim Child Benefit, if not already, and Universal Credit. That should help, though they'd be expecting you to be looking for a job. Indeed, you should be thinking about a return to work unless there are particular barriers, particularly as child is older.

millymollymoomoo · 29/01/2025 11:47

People telling you you’ll definitely get half or more are not correct

theres no automatic right to that however you are entitled to a fair share - now this could mean 50% or higher or lower depending on your circumstances

you will expected to work full time or part time and top up with uc / cms rather than him likely have to pay you to not work. You might get a year or two maintenance to assist this as he’s a high earner.

what you need to understand is the values of assets inc pensions, then look at what 50% awards you. If that provides for your needs ( 2 bed) you may end up at that or near that. If it doesn’t then it may get adjusted

youll be ok
you’ll get a fair share but you will have to look to be financially independent and pay your own way. What did you do pre child?

mitogoshigg · 29/01/2025 12:08

Do not move out, buy what you need from the joint account but you need to urgently return to work, full time unless your dd has sen, to be able to support yourself. The courts will not be taken in by him but they will expect you to do your best to get your income up, spousal maintenance even at higher incomes is not usually for a long period

nellly · 29/01/2025 12:51

You need to get a job asap. You'll be expected to support yourself if you are able bodied etc.

Stay in the house, it's likely a joint marital asset you're entitled to be there.

You should get some equity with which you can start fresh in a new place. If you only have one DD you should have enough for a deposit on a 2 bed flat/house but you'll need wage slips for a mortgage so the job really is first priority

bombastix · 29/01/2025 15:04

Don't buy the "get a job" OP. At this stage, with the wage disparity, age of the children, you would likely get spousal maintenance for some years. You need a very good solicitor. Eventually it will be sensible to get a job, but not now, not on these figures.

millymollymoomoo · 29/01/2025 15:07

Op will be assessed on her earning potential not what she earns right now so it won’t make much of any difference to the settlement

Original poster
Singster1986 · 29/01/2025 15:26

Thankyou everyone for your replies. I need to buckle up and be prepared for a rough ride I think 😥

OP posts:
2JFDIYOLO · 29/01/2025 15:36

I'm so sorry.

Depend on your solicitor and listen to her.

Do not let him or his solicitor try to bully you. He may try to mislead you about your rights. He is not your friend and does not have your best interests at heart.

Do not move out of the house. It's your home and your joint property.

Be open and let your friends, family and colleagues know what he's doing to you. You'll need moral and emotional support.

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