I would love to hear stories from people who have done this.
My anxiety is through the roof at the moment as I plan to leave my husband who has been physically violent and coercively controlling especially when it comes to finances.
So much of my life has been dominated by him. I have been resisting the control and changing my dance steps which has helped but also been exhausting. I went back to uni for a post graduate degree and am almost finished with my new qualification and I have a new job (part time while I finish). So I am on the way to rebuilding. But when I stayed home to have our three children, my h’s career was fully prioritised and after a couple of moves to new houses his name was on everything. All bills. The house. The cars. Due to his violence and moods, he often controls our home and schedule and decor. He makes the decisions on what toys the kids have. Buys the big ticket items. Decides on holidays. He shoots down my ideas or overrides them as though I have not spoken.
furthermore, it’s his family that we live close to. His family has enriched the children’s lives in some lovely ways, although his sister has caused great damage to our marriage in other ways (long story).
my worry is that after separation and divorce I will be unable to be meet the children’s needs due to years of his domination and control over everything and his greater financial prowess. I know at my core that I am a loving and supportive mother with great warmth and emotional intelligence and solid relationships with my children.
but as the one who will be the lower earner and who does not have family around, I worry that the kids will find whatever house I can afford after the divorce to be boring and sad compared to what their dad can provide. Or if I can’t afford to take them to visit my family, (which involves plane flights) for holidays, then I worry that they will not want to spend Christmas at single mum’s small and boring house with few Christmas gifts and no relatives to spoil them. There will be no comparison. I just dread this. Yes my love for the kids will be important, but they are kids. They are influenced by toys and fun and relatives. I worry about a sad and lonely existence and honestly I fear being “the boring parent”.
i know this is an irrational fear. It’s probably more than anything about how I feel NOW as his wife, while he gets to make all the decisions bc my fear of his horrible moods and violence keeps me in check most of the time. I am still going to leave. But I worry that I will be the one rebuilding from total scratch and it’s hard enough to be a parent without worries about not being able to provide my children with the enriched lifestyle that my husband and his extended family provide.
i think the coercive control has also knocked my confidence. I am tired of being oppressed. It’s intimidating to consider rebuilding my life and I did not grow up in the uk (I live here and am a citizen now bc of my husband).
I also worry bc of my are. I am approaching mid 40s and am thinking I will now enter menopause soon and be some undesirable, lonely lady.
I would love to hear from anyone who has built a happy life after coercive control.