Rebuilding your life after being oppressed under coercive control

[ShuffleShuffleSpin]

I would love to hear stories from people who have done this.

My anxiety is through the roof at the moment as I plan to leave my husband who has been physically violent and coercively controlling especially when it comes to finances.

So much of my life has been dominated by him. I have been resisting the control and changing my dance steps which has helped but also been exhausting. I went back to uni for a post graduate degree and am almost finished with my new qualification and I have a new job (part time while I finish). So I am on the way to rebuilding. But when I stayed home to have our three children, my h’s career was fully prioritised and after a couple of moves to new houses his name was on everything. All bills. The house. The cars. Due to his violence and moods, he often controls our home and schedule and decor. He makes the decisions on what toys the kids have. Buys the big ticket items. Decides on holidays. He shoots down my ideas or overrides them as though I have not spoken.

furthermore, it’s his family that we live close to. His family has enriched the children’s lives in some lovely ways, although his sister has caused great damage to our marriage in other ways (long story).

my worry is that after separation and divorce I will be unable to be meet the children’s needs due to years of his domination and control over everything and his greater financial prowess. I know at my core that I am a loving and supportive mother with great warmth and emotional intelligence and solid relationships with my children.

but as the one who will be the lower earner and who does not have family around, I worry that the kids will find whatever house I can afford after the divorce to be boring and sad compared to what their dad can provide. Or if I can’t afford to take them to visit my family, (which involves plane flights) for holidays, then I worry that they will not want to spend Christmas at single mum’s small and boring house with few Christmas gifts and no relatives to spoil them. There will be no comparison. I just dread this. Yes my love for the kids will be important, but they are kids. They are influenced by toys and fun and relatives. I worry about a sad and lonely existence and honestly I fear being “the boring parent”.

i know this is an irrational fear. It’s probably more than anything about how I feel NOW as his wife, while he gets to make all the decisions bc my fear of his horrible moods and violence keeps me in check most of the time. I am still going to leave. But I worry that I will be the one rebuilding from total scratch and it’s hard enough to be a parent without worries about not being able to provide my children with the enriched lifestyle that my husband and his extended family provide.

i think the coercive control has also knocked my confidence. I am tired of being oppressed. It’s intimidating to consider rebuilding my life and I did not grow up in the uk (I live here and am a citizen now bc of my husband).

I also worry bc of my are. I am approaching mid 40s and am thinking I will now enter menopause soon and be some undesirable, lonely lady.

I would love to hear from anyone who has built a happy life after coercive control.

I am rebuilding my life after an abusive marriage. It leaves you with low self esteem and huge lack of confidence.

Your whole post resonates with self doubt. I would like to say this is caused by the treatment from your husband. Once you get away from him it is very likely you will start to see yourself differently and feel better about your future.

Get some kind of talking therapy if you can or read up trauma from an abusive relationship. Look at the Freedom Programme.

With regard to your children. You don’t say what age they are. Your children will remember most how you make them feel - loved and safe is really all that’s needed. It sounds as if your husbands personality won’t give them that feeling.
Depending on their age, there may be some initial interest in the more material things, but in the long run it’s your love they need most.

Thank you for your kindness and reassurance. I really appreciate your taking the time to reply, especially considering your similar experience. You are probably right that the impact of the abuse has resulted in a lot of self-doubt for me. I tend to imagine the worst case scenarios as well, which isn’t helpful. I have enough credentials to be financially successful or at least stable after a while, so I can’t let it all get me down.

Part of what has frightened me has been the things some people who were trying to be helpful have said. A DV counsellor told me “get ready for post separation abuse and it can go on for a long, long time”. And another during my first attempt to leave my husband said “you will just about barely make it. You will live on benefits in a one bedroom shelter with your three children”. And my therapist said “your husband sounds like a narcissist. Oooooh he is going to be sooooo difficult to divorce”. I think these people want to help, but at my most vulnerable time, I need people to tell me it’s going to be ok as I take this step into the blackness. Not to make it sound like leaving him will make matters worse. Then I have had church people make it sound like I should just keep working on the marriage. And in the midst of all this, my mother’s health has severely deteriorated seemingly out of nowhere and I am essentially grieving her and don’t want to be a burden to my parents bc they need my stability and support if anything right now. It’s been a hellish time.

Thank you for your perspective. I do believe you are correct and am glad things have gone well for you. My husband has shown small steps towards maturity and improvement. But at my core I don’t trust him. I don’t have it in me to give him more and more chances.

Thank you so much ☺️

Try not to think too far ahead. You don't know that any of those things you are worried about will actually come to pass. Focus on now and the steps you need to take to free yourself.

Ignore everything he tells you once you separate. Everything he will say or do will be designed to put you down, make you feel small, incompetent etc to keep you where he had put you. It is not your truth. You do not need to listen or believe what he tells you.

Make sure you fight for what you deserve when you come to the financial settlement. The starting point is 50% of everything and you may be eligible for more. It doesn't matter that the house is in his name only, legally you have half of it. You also have half of any savings, investments and pension.

I would suggest you get a counsellor who has experience with domestic abuse. You need specialist help with this. I had help from Women's Aid. Being able to put his behaviour into perspective and understand it was really beneficial. And get yourself a good solicitor.

This is all very good advice. Thank you. The self doubt spotted by the person above and the tendency to think too far ahead both seem very accurate and I believe these things are keeping me trapped to some extent.

@ShuffleShuffleSpin Remember that you are not alone in this. A lot of women have been where you are now. You will be ok. It's not easy to extricate yourself from an abusive relationship, so be kind to yourself, keep going, things will get better. You can do this.

Couldn't agree more with what has been said. I so wish no other women would have to suffer anymore at the hands of narcissistic men. Unfortunately it does not go away. Post separation abuse is real. My ex left 5 years ago and to this day still maintains his manipulative control especially as we have 2 children. Post children orders and financial orders there is still cohersion with a total lack of respect for the legal system.

One key word of advice, stay calm, watch what you say and document everything. They have a knack for twisting reality and making you look like the unstable one.
I too have a career and great job but it hasn't stopped him.

Sending you big hugs. Stay strong.

Replying to your post above.

Divorce will be difficult - because he is a difficult person. It will just be a continuation of what you have already gone through and survived. Each day gets you one day closer.

i used to sustain myself by envisioning my future life in a little cottage by myself (adult Dc), without his malign presence. And here I am now, in that little cottage feeling free and calm and at peace.

I have found planning for the worst (expect him to lie, delay, be aggressive, prevaricate, hide money, twist the truth etc), but hope for the best the only way forward.

Know where the money is, keep everything in writing (email and text if you can). I was recommended to never answer a text or email immediately, especially if it’s rude or upsetting. You can only answer when you have calmed down. Go grey rock, be as bland and calm as you can. Dont get into tit for tat or any sniping. The absolute best advice -Reply Don’t React. I eventually realised my ex was deliberately trying to wind me up because ……. because it was his only way of keeping some kind of control - he knew how to push my buttons. So i took that power away from him.

But remember, what ever is ahead you will be able to deal with. Think of his past treatment of you as your basic training. This will have made you stronger than you think - you have the basic skillset already to deal with his shit. As you said earlier you are resisting and changing your dance step. Yes it is exhausting, but you will manage.

Everyone kept telling me how strong I was - but it didnt feel like that at the time. But now I can look back and see how well I did. I really never thought I’d get here, but I finally did it - after being married for 40years to a narcissist.

Thank you for this - I can learn so much from what you have written here, and I find your realistic but hopeful approach very helpful. Such a good perspective. I truly admire you for getting out and making it happen after 40 years. I have been together for 16 years and married for 12-almost-13 with my husband (who has many narcissistic traits). I’ve truly had enough. I think the realistic perspective that I will need to be prepared for post separation abuse BUT I can do this because I’ve been through “basic training” for years is very helpful. I’ve already learned so much about how to manage the situation while living with him.

Thank you for your kind words. I’m sorry for what you have been through and that there has been post separation abuse. While I dread the potential experience of that, I can tell from what so many of you have said is that it is still so very worth it to leave. That is what I am holding onto.

Just one small part of your post but something that resonated with me - my ex is the one who buys the expensive gifts/tech and spends way more at Christmas and birthdays. But my DD prefers the things I buy her which are tailored to her exact wants and needs, she feels like I “read her mind” and that the presents really reflect that I know who she is. Of course she likes the fancy stuff but it’s not everything and something from Temu can still get OMG reactions if you’ve chosen well! They also get taken on fancy trips and to posh hotels and expensive restaurants with him but both of them enjoyed the package holiday to a bargain basement hotel I took them on just as much as any of those trips (and DD told me that was the best part of the year for her) - again I really focus on making it something they will enjoy - a cheap pizza together by the beach while you’re all having a laugh and playing a family game means more to kids than a steak at a glitzy steakhouse.

Hi all I'm reading this as I have come to the realisation that I need to leave. Like you all I am in a very emotionally and mentally abusive marriage and my husband is very narcissistic. For over a year now he cut me off from all finances. I lost my job during COVID and he spent the last few years telling me I'm nothing without him. I'm reading all your posts about how life is better without these type of people in your life. It is encouraging. Two things I worry about. His reaction and what he might do and finances.

May I ask did you all have jobs before you left? I am really struggling to find work that fits around school times. Also I have no money to leave and don't know how to build up any because life is so expensive just now (he often doesn't even buy food for us so I have to use the tiny child benefit to buy food). When you say get your ducks in a row, sorry to sound daft but what are the things I should have in place to leave?

I wish you all success and peace and happiness. I hope I'm right in thinking the hardest part is making the initial step to leaving and then leaving itself. I know it's not all plain sailing after that but you are free and that's a beautiful feeling.

Good luck ❤️

From what I understand you can talk to Citizens Advice and they will help you. If you need to get benefits for a while to escape him, they can probably help you figure out the steps to take. I would start there. Also, Rights of Women (legal advice). If you are legally married, then hopefully he will have to split assets or pay maintenance to you. What he is doing is wrong. Also try calling police to describe your situation. It may fit criteria for Coercive Control, which is a crime. They may be able to offer further help if it is seen to be domestic abuse.

In reply to some questions above. The subject of divorce got broached by me. I said I was very unhappy (which was stating the obvious), and I wanted us to go for marriage counselling or that was it.

He refused the counselling (because he’s a narcissist) and said fuck off and get your divorce. That was it really.

It was very difficult for me because I had spent years ‘playing nice’, walking on eggshells, never voicing a different opinion, never asking for anything (time, attention, help). I was essentially scared of him and his anger.

It was hard because when you are divorcing you are basically on opposite sides. Unfortunately he couldn’t get over his narcissistic rage that he wasn’t as wonderful as he wanted everyone to think he was, if his own wife didn’t want to be with him anymore. He cared a lot for how other people perceived him.

We were both retired and I had been a SAHM (he was in the military). Everything I had was in joint accounts and owned jointly, though he had a large private pension and a limited company that I had no part of. At the end of the day we got 50/50 - but that was only 50% of what he declared, and because of the abuse I had no idea of what other assets and money he had. But the law is the law and he couldn’t avoid sharing what our house and his pension was worth. I regret that I never thought to sort my own private pension out.

So although I know I have less than 50% it is enough for me, so I am happy to walk away with that.

My absolute biggest regret - by the time I was ready to walk away, I was so ground down, I couldnt say boo to a goose, or more specifically, him. Everything I did was trying not to anger him. Narcissists can be so angry and petty and vindictive.

I wish I had gone straight to women’s Aid and had their help. Many people couldn’t understand my fear of him (he’s such a lovely bloke) so you need to surround yourself with people that understand coercive control. The Freedom Programme was brilliant for me.

The whole experience has made me want to help other women that are going through this.

I think it’s lovely that @ShuffleShuffleSpin is already offering advice to @Crackersnap

Bless you all, and I wish you the strength to get through this.

Remember your Basic Training!

Your post resonated so much with me. Myself and my two children just celebrated this week 1 year since we moved out. I was so beaten down, i couldn't make decisions without thinking of how he would feel and what the consequences would be. I've come a long way in a year. I do not doubt leaving in any way at all. Best thing I ever did, wish I had done it sooner.

Top tip, every decision you make go with your gut on what is the best for your kids and for you. Do not consider his needs.

Grey rock
Co parenting app like Our Family Wizard
Do not respond to messages immediately, wait, keep messages short and emotionless. Narcissist type people love getting a reaction.
Handover with kids in a public place with CCTV. I film audio in my pocket everything due to false allegations.
Unfortunately I know you don't want to hear those negative things from those around you, but i wish someone had warned me about about post separation abuse so I could have prepared myself. I wasn't warned until I was sat in front of a police officer, but it does sound like you have a much better support network around you already.
Before you leave get evidence of everything financial and take everything you want with you including documents, passports, photos etc. He may destroy anything he sees as special to you, you may never get it back.

I really feel for you. Taking the leap is so hard. This time next year you will be in such a better space, you will have learnt so much, your kids will be happier. Your home will be safe, they will be loved for who they are. Kids will always be distracted by shiny things, however depending on the age of your children start teaching them now about listening to their gut, their emotions, how their body feels, to question things. There are so many books for primary age kids to support with this, but there are ways to start this with older children too.

You can do this. You won't regret it. Your kids will thank you one day. Well done on everything you have done already, you are a steps ahead of where I was at your stage. Well done you for advocating for yourself and for your children!!!!

I left a 20+ year abusive marriage with my 2 teen children just over a year ago.
I'm not going to say it's been easy. Not only have I been suicidal the kids have been suicidal and under camhs. He has tried (and still is) trying to destroy me. I won't say what as I don't want him to identify me. But he can't destroy me as I have my integrity, so the mud he tries to sling just doesn't stick. He has given me PTSD and every now and then it is triggered. But 90% of the time now I feel amazing. Sometimes I can't believe it took me so long to go. But actually I had to get to the point I was financially stable, and the kids old enough to have their views taken into consideration in court to not want to see him.
On another note - don't listen to your church telling you to stay. That is terrible advice. As a Christian I stayed way too long thinking that God wanted me to/mustn't break my marriage vows/I had to keep forgiving etc etc. But my vicar spent a lot of time explaining to me that God wouldn't want me to stay in an abusive marriage.

My absolute biggest regret - by the time I was ready to walk away, I was so ground down, I couldnt say boo to a goose, or more specifically, him. Everything I did was trying not to anger him. Narcissists can be so angry and petty and vindictive.

@Imgoingtobefree This resonates so clearly with me. I'm 31 years in and am afraid of everything, especially other people, especially men. I never used to be like this and its fear that's keeping me trapped because the crazy thing is, I have a massive nest egg from an inheritance, I could pay rent for a year upfront and still have enough to live on for that year without having to work and I'm still afraid to leave. I don't even know why really, except I go over and over in my head how I'll tell him and then when it comes to it, I'm too scared. I'll do it one day.

I'm enjoying this thread though in the sense that it keeps me hopeful and its so positive, seeing women sharing their experiences and supporting other women.

@TheDogHasFarted Im so sorry this is happening to you.

May I suggest that as you have a nest egg you start seeing a therapist? I did, and saw a Chartered Clinical Psychologist early on. My husband even encouraged me - he thought the therapist would tell me how wrong I was, but the opposite happened. It was the best thing I ever did.

I do understand the level of fear you can feel even if the only outcome is verbal abuse and there’s no physical danger.

When things were bad for me I arranged to visit my Dd for a few days. I was scared of his reaction, so I smuggled an overnight bag into my car and told him I was going out to the shops. I stayed with her for five days (she told him I was with her).

Now I’m free, I don’t know what I was so scared of, I just know I must do or say anything that might provoke his rage at me. That was all that mattered.

Therapy and any kind of support group you can muster will so helpful. Better yet, someone who can understand why you are so fearful of him will be the best thing ever.

Hi @ShuffleShuffleSpin so many lovely ladies on here with wonderful words of wisdom. Not much more to add really but as you mention Church I wanted to share a Bible quote that was sent to me.

“Better a dry crust with peace than a house full of feasting with strife.”

It made me realise that the gilded cage I was living in really wasn’t worth it. It was better for my children to live in peace than in a house that was toxic.

It hasn’t been easy and I am still in the divorce process but it is so much better now.

get a good solicitor and good luck.💐