I'm finally ready

[Sprogonthetyne]

Probably should have called time years ago but DH isn't fundamentally a bad person, just not equipped to deal with life. We have 2 autistic DC who can be challenging and DH himself is most likely neurodiverse. There's too much conflict of needs and I'm completely strung out trying to support all 3.

I have tried absolutely everything to make this work

• both working part time round each other = days with children to stressful
• I get a higher pay/stress job so can use all paid childcare = he still can't cope with home & drop offs
• I leave my job to be full time carer to DC = to stressful carrying full financial load
• I find an overnight job where I can cover almost all childcare & holidays, but need him to get up with the kids 3x a week = he still can't and I was coming home to chaos nearly every time.

I even supported him to have 3 months away from home, with no work or kid stress, in case it was burn out and to give him the space to work on himself and learn more about managing the children, he did non of those things and came back the same as he went. That was 6 months ago and there's nothing else I can do.

He's fine while the kids are fine but it's got to the point where I can't leave him alone with them because if I do then as soon as the tiniest thing happens he starts shouting, this triggers a meltdown in the kids which triggers a bigger meltdown in him, then everybody's shouting, we just can't go on like this.

Not sure what I'm asking really, we've had the conversation and both know it's time but just numb and not really sure what I should be doing. If you've made it through that wall of text then thanks, I think I really needed to get that out.

You have put up with a lot more than many women would do! And I think you've trialled a lot more things than others would.

It sounds like he basically sees you as his mother, and he is somewhere between the kids and you. He doesn't want to parent, he just wants robots that abide by his rules.

You will all be happier if you separate I'm sure - although I doubt he will manage well having the kids on his own so you may end up with them full time (but at least you won't have a manchild to deal with too).

Good luck - this sounds the right decision for you all.

As pp said. Sounds like it’s about time for you.

I will definitely end up with the kids full time, he's just not safe to have them. Any contact in the foreseeable future will need to be supervised, (possibly by his parents?) but I can't see that happening more then every few months. Not that I'd stop him seeing them, I just don't think he'll organise for it to happen once I'm not there to sort everything out for him.

Just email in my resignation letter to work, so this is feeling pretty real now. I'm gutted because I absolutely loved my job, but it's just not going to be possible to keep it up.

Why do you need to resign? Talk to your employer - there may be the opportunity to change your hours or role to fit better with caring for young children. I certainly wouldn’t resign until you have residency for the kids agreed with a court order etc - they may well say you can’t provide for them without a job!

The childrens needs mean that most paid childcare isn't accessible to them, and what is (eg. Specialist SEN nanny) would cost many times more then I earn, so changing hours won't help.

Residency is in no way disputed. Their farther does no want residency or any overnight contact time and cannot be with the children unsupervised.

All of that was over about 8 years, but over that time the kids SEN has become more apparent, so the overall stress and the amount he needed to pull his weight increased. Generally it gets to crisis point, I rearrange my life to accommodate him and remove whatever stress factor he thinks is stopping him being able to parent, it settles for a bit but then gradually deteriorates again.

The most recent set up, with me working term time overnight has been for about 2.5 years. It went well at first but things haven't really been right for nearly a year, and the time away to try and sort his head out happened last summer. When he came back in September things were better for a bit, but rapidly deteriorated to the point we're at now where he's not stable enough to be unsupervised with the kids.

8 & 5, but with additional needs that mean they require a higher level of care then other kids their age

Sorry didn't explain any of this well, my heads a bit all over the place.

He's always found parenting hard, but until recently it was always safe just not ideal. Although the kids are older now, they're not less challenging due to their additional needs. (I actually found the baby years, before their differences were apparent much easier).

For the last year or so he has struggled a lot. Possibly mental health issues, possibly his own neurodiversity, possibly just that our life is more stressful and he can't cope with it. During this time he's struggled with his emotional regulation, resulting in angry outburst.

I've made many accommodations like taking on the vast majority of the childcare, both to protect the kids and to help him remain calm by reducing his stress. Until recently I had thought he was still capable of having the kids for short periods (say 1 hour) but yesterday my DC's school rang me with concerns because my DS had spoken about being afraid of dad during the mornings. It's on the back of that conversation that I have decided he cannot be alone with them at all, and that is why I'm done.

Yes, to be honest I was nervous as the letter was the first step and made the decision really real, so I was hoping for some suport, and also kind of putting it off.

Yes, that's why until this point I've tried to support him, because he's unwell not just choosing to be a dick. But it's got to the point where the impact on the DC is to much, so I can't continue to do so. I feel awful for abandoning him for been unwell, but I genuinely feel I've tried everything.

Sorry, you're kind of getting a stream of thought, not a well ordered story.

I suppose I didn't start with that because there's no question or need for advice there. Now I know, he won't be unsupervised, because that's the only thing I'd be comfortable with.

The bit that I was struggling with is the guilt of withdrawing suport from mental ill DH, because underneath it all, it's not his fault. I think to some extent I felt I needed to type it all out to justify to myself that I really had tried everything I could to help him.

We discussed it last night, he has confirmed this, though it was hardly a surprise

No wonder your posts are a bit muddled - your head must be swirling. You've had to deal with a horrendous situation and over time, you've tried everything to improve things. Many women would have left their husband before now so you shouldn't feel any guilt whatsoever. You're putting your children first, which is absolutely the right thing to do. You must also look after yourself and be kind to yourself.💐

And you’re going to live on what money now ??

Fortunately I own a small house outright, which makes our cost of living pretty manageable. The kids get DLA & I'll qualify for carers allowance