Why do women put up with so much shit.

[Gypsy2014]

Daily I see posts on mumsnet and think what the actual fuck, get a backbone is this just me.

No not just you. I despair at the threads where modern young women work and yet still do the bulk of the life admin and domestics. What are the children in those homes learning about men and women’s roles? Sadly many women do not help themselves, or the next generation.

Can you be more specific OP?

I'm mid 20s and it's changing I'd rather be child free and single then married with kids fulfilling roles just because I'm a woman and he's a man

Some women do. I find a lot of these women are very unassertive and lack self esteem. Their husbands are walking all over them and my heart breaks for them.

Reading Mumsnet I agree.
Living in the real world, not so much.

First Post has nailed it.
Most women here channel Anna Dugger.
Bury your head and put up with everything because "at least I have a husband"

Honestly meeting men I think how the fuck have you been the dominant sex for so long?

And then I read MN posts and it's quiet clear why.

If they've been raised in an abusive/toxic/sexist household they will grow up believing that is how a normal relationship is supposed to be like. That is one of the reasons so many posters shout out "LTB, protect your children " on here. It's not just about the present but about stopping that cycle so the next generation has better boundaries and self esteem.

Then you really don't understand the insidious nature of abusive relationships, on how it slowly chips away at a person. It is well known that it can take multiple attempts for an abused woman to leave her abuser, even if they have hospitalised her on several occasions, precisely because it drip drip drips until she believes she is worthless, she must deserve it, she made him. Can you imagine what that would do to a small child watching his/her mummy and daddy? Thankfully many professional bodies do understand it.

It's got nothing to do with what you see around you, it's about what you experience, your values and standards. Your parents and their relationship is your future blueprint.

A woman brought up in a chaotic household with addiction, sexism and abuse will have a lack of appropriate boundaries unless she has a lot of support.

Many women follow in their mum's footsteps. If they observe their mum waiting on their dad, they often follow suit. We tend to copy what's modelled to us.

It's why so many people say don't teach your children that this is normal.

OK. So that's abusive relationships.
Except a majority of the posts here aren't abusive.

It's just women with doormat stamped on their foreheads who are gifted at over complicating saying no.

And MN will always swoop in to find ways that it's not her fault.
Never the woman's fault.

I agree.
Asking the question AIBU, followed by something their DP, (often someone she has only known a short time) has done, that would send most women running for the door in 5 seconds flat.

It's not her fault her partner acts like a pig, it is her fault if she sticks around and accepts it.

Shitty boyfriends make shitty husbands....run.

Because they've been sold the daydream of Happy Ever After
Because they've married a creep but don't want to admit to their family & friends that it's all gone wrong
Because, for whatever reason, they (wrongly) feel shame
Because they can't survive on their own or want the lifestyle the man offers.
Because they have been undermined and belittled over such a long time that their self-confidence is in shreds and they can't find the courage to leave
Because they fear having to leave their child in their ex's care 50% of the time.

The issue of childhood/past experiences is a complex one. I've realised something in my 50+ years on this planet.

It's not that i ever actively sought out dysfunctional relationships. They were the only men interested in me.

Decent men from good families want the same in a partner, why wouldn't they? They weren't interested in a woman who basically ran away from home at 16 and had no family to speak of. They didn't see me as a good prospect to build their own family with.

So the men who were interested in me had their own traumas which doesn't bode well for a good relationship.

So finally, i have decided to stay single. I wanted a family and therefore I had to try. But I'm done taking the "blame". I can't magic up a different past. I'm not going to feel guilty for wanting something that seemed to come so easily to others.

Some men are attracted to vulnerable women and make out they're going to save them.
I've fallen for it myself many years ago more than once.
Never should a woman allow herself appear so needy they'd be so desperate to fall for the fairy tale ending.
The ending is how you make it.

I think it comes down to not being able to afford to leave a lot of the time. They know their husbands would insist on having the kids half the time, then not actually have the kids much at all. They won’t help pay for anything, and will then go and have another family and ignore the kids. So they stay. I know a few women who stayed until their kids were old enough not to be forced to see their dads if they didn’t want to. And could get themselves to and from school so there was no child care.

100% this.

Leaving a toxic relationship especially when married with children is complicated and difficult. Some women’s husbands are the higher earner whereas they have given up work to raise children or they work in a low paid part time position. They could be tied financially to their husbands via property and cannot afford to rent or buy alone.

Wanting to keep the family together.
Staying together for the sake of the children.
Feeling shame that their marriage has failed/shame at telling their friends and family.
Fear of telling husband it is over and fear of his reaction.
Fear of “going it alone” and splitting children between two houses/custardy war.
In abusive relationships the woman might have been isolated from friends and family. She’s living with threats and coercion. She fears the consequences and that he might hurt her or the children/he might turn the children against her or file for full custody. Etc.

Not wanting limits on when they have their children with them- 50% of the time, EOW, every other Christmas, a week or two for vacations.

A serious drop in financial position and possibly having to move away from family, friends and work

For me it's because it's constantly drummed into you what is life if you haven't got married and had kids. At 42, single and no kids my mum does still occasionally say well your getting older now whats left of your life you haven't got married or had kids.

This pressure as a woman thaybyou have growing up that this is what life is, go to uni, get a job, meet a guy, have kids ....like there is no other way to live a life

Education
Education
Education

Girls and young women need this more than anything so if any partner turns out to be a wrong ‘un, they can stand on their own two feet and parent their children themselves. Do NOT have kids in your early 20s with no training, qualifications or work experience under your belt - you’re very vulnerable financially. Do NOT fall for a romanticised insta vision of partnered life with children as the daily reality can be one very hard grind and men can and do fuck off easily when times become tough - or turn out to be abusive arseholes who you need to get yourself and your children away from.

This is what we need to tell girls and young women.

I’m constantly surprised and sometimes horrified at what some women put up with, or the very low bars they set themselves.

And some posts would have you thinking it’s decades ago - women shouldering the vast majority of domestic drudgery and childcare. And then moaning that they do so 🥴

If you don't want children and are not bothered about having a resident man, you can avoid about ninety per cent of the average female shitload.

Yes! I remember when I turned 30 the huge amount of pressure I had from family members to have children and get married. Family members asking me - when are you going to have children then? My mum publicly discussing my failed relationships in family gatherings and pressure that the clock was ticking. Unfortunately this amount of pressure made me panic and have a whirlwind romance/have children/get married in a short space of time without fully getting to know my husband and ignoring many red flags! 🚩