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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Child arrangements & not agreeing to 50/50

30 replies

MrsResilient · 17/01/2025 18:00

How have most people finalised child arrangements during a divorce/ separation?
(They cheated/ some emotional abuse)
Wanting to avoid solicitors & do it ourselves due to no funds. Don’t own a house or have assetts. Divorce is being filed very soon. Soon to be ex is wanting 50/50 of our 2 children (age 6/10) but I don’t agree. I feel this is due to avoiding any contributions whatsoever & had been communicated abruptly in a conversation previously.
They looking for alternative property.
Happy for children staying eg 3 days (alternate weekend & 1/2 days) but want & need help with keeping existing home & to manage keep them settled/ secure/ happy.
Anyone else been through anything similar?
Thankyou

OP posts:
mitogoshigg · 18/01/2025 10:41

You wanting cms isn't a reason, if they are 50/50 you can work more as less childcare needed. Let him try 50/50 for a fortnight, he may change his mind, plus 50/50 means he is paying half of their costs so half the uniform, half the school lunches etc etc. Done well it is best for most children

millymollymoomoo · 18/01/2025 12:23

Adultery doesn’t make someone a bad parent in itself, nor preclude 50:50

there may be valid reasons 50:50 doesn’t work,

op is yet to give them

MarSeaLane · 18/01/2025 12:50

autumngirl714 · 18/01/2025 08:21

Why is everyone creating the narrative that OP wants the kids more due to wanting money off her ex?!

She has said that she feels he only wnats 50/50 for him to avoid contributions. Which, please correct me if I'm wrong OP, means that he only wnats the to avoid paying her any CMS. I can't understand the crappy responses towards the OP. How many people on her have been through separation?!

It's so much easier just saying, oh agree to 50/50, it's the default, it's what's best.
Actually no. 50/50 isn't always what's best, especially if the other parent only wants them to avoid paying cms. Which BTW is so unbelievably common. I know SO many (sadly) dads, including my own children's, who have threatened court etc to take the children 50/50 to avoid paying cms. And then the mum AND children loose out on time with eachother just for them to spend time with someone who doesn't actually and honestly want them there.

Imagine being in a relationship which has shut down, outside do your control, and then processing also loosing your children half the week. Honestly MN can be a great place sometimes, but the flippant comments and narrative on here is just so insensitive and potentially damaging. And that's why I wonder, who has actually been in this situation?

Anyway, rant over.

OP, if you don't think 50/50 is what is best for your children then you don't have to agree to it. Your children are a little bit older, they have opinions and comforts too. What do you think they would want?
If your ex continues to argue this you'll likely need to consider mediation and court.

Stay strong ❤️

Answering your question, yes I have been in this situation.

Imagine being in a relationship which has shut down, outside do your control, and then processing also loosing your children half the week. Honestly MN can be a great place sometimes, but the flippant comments and narrative on here is just so insensitive and potentially damaging. And that's why I wonder, who has actually been in this situation?

That can be the same whether you are mum or dad.

I don't think these are flippant comments, just reality.
Going through this the reality and legalities are very different to what I wanted or felt were fair, (how can the system expect that my children spend half a week with their dad and a woman who destroyed my marriage, lied to DC’s, etc etc) but the process does.
The reality is that there is no accounting for blame, feelings or background history in the process (unless there is hard evidence if safeguarding issues).

pikkumyy77 · 18/01/2025 12:57

They don’t own a property but OP is concerned that they will lose/be unable to keep their housing if he insists on 50/50. She isn’t wrong. He is demanding 50/50 which forces them both to maintain two full homes when he could spare the upheaval by admitting he doesn’t really want them 50/50.

MrsSunshine2b · 18/01/2025 17:16

pikkumyy77 · 18/01/2025 12:57

They don’t own a property but OP is concerned that they will lose/be unable to keep their housing if he insists on 50/50. She isn’t wrong. He is demanding 50/50 which forces them both to maintain two full homes when he could spare the upheaval by admitting he doesn’t really want them 50/50.

Even if it's 80/20 you still need two proper homes. You can't rent an extra bedroom 1/5 nights.

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