I’m sure I was used for a visa

[Yepoda]

Hello, I’ll keep this as short as I can. I sadly married a narcissist AGAIN and he knew the trauma I was already going through and promised me the world yet did not deliver. I was love bombed at first and pressured to marry so quickly for a spouse visa by selling me stories of our plans for future which were his plans. I was again heavily persuaded to take a loan out in my name for him to pay back an ex girlfriend in his country and family he owed money too. I also took on 4 occasions money out the ATM for “emergencies “ back home. I didn’t see the red flags I so desperately wanted to believe he loved me . Now I’m out the marriage, everyone has come forward saying he’s used me for a visa and money. I have cancelled his visa as he hasn’t lived here for 6 weeks I have to legally do this. Apparently I’m a monster the usual nasty comments .
My question in all of this is I have been told I should inform NMC about this as it’s not his first time in this pattern . I’m paying back this ex , will his next pay me back ?? Morally I don’t know if I can do it it seems vengeful.
what do you think ?

I don't have any advice for you, but wanted to ask - had someone around you recognised this, what would had been the right thing to say to you, so you wouldn't get into this trap?

My children were dead against this. I however had come out of an abusive very long marriage and my mother passed away three weeks later . Then I met my now husband. I was clearly not thinking straight and wanted so much for someone to love me I guess. My family also thought he was with me for the spouse visa but didn’t say anything as didn’t want to believe it either. I was exhausted by the end which led me to tell him to go as a typical narcissist you couldn’t talk to them unless it was about his plans , I had turned into a 1950s housewife I did everything for him and more

I doubt at the start I would have listened if they had try to tell me I wore such rose tinted glasses . We were only married a year when I just had enough . The debt the feeling like I was just a maid/help to him

What's NMC?

I'm so sorry but you weren't paying back his ex partner. She wouldn't have known anything about that money. He was putting it into his own bank account.

What's NMC?

You really need to have counselling to help you process what happened in your first marriage and why you married this one despite the red flags. Until you have worked through all of this you shouldn't get involved in another relationship.

Counselling so you can create a better and safer life in future.
Forget about him. Focus on your needs!

If you don't mind disclosing what country is he from?

NMC is the Nursing & Midwifery Council, the regulatory body for those two occupations. I imagine OP's husband is a nurse, more likely than a midwife.

If NMC does stand for Nursing and Midwifery Council, please tell them, he is plainly not a suitable candidate for nursing, he is at the very least abusing you financially and could do the same with vulnerable patients and so it's a safeguarding concern

I would say first and foremost you need to work through why you fell into this situation. The fact you say you needed love means you haven’t dealt with the impact of your first marriage. This should be a priority.

Love and attraction are intoxicating, these are strong emotions that overwhelm. Hate and anger do the same thing. As a result our good judgement and our rational thoughts get sidelined and over ridden. Then we start to make bad decisions or even worse let bad things happen.

In your post you state he is a narcissist. At the very least he is morally dubious. But you need to really come to terms with the fact that he can manipulate you and you must stay away from him. Grey rock is the way forward. Get him out of your life and out of your head. That is your win and anything you do that keeps him in your head or life is the wrong move.

There are only two things you need to do now. The first one is to divorce. End the marriage and get a consent order to protect your assets. Have minimal contact and interactions with him during this process. You have no need to show cause or blame to divorce. So don’t go down the rabbit hole of trying to convince him or anyone else he was to blame or he is a narcissist. Just get divorced.

I don’t know what is going on with the loan and why you are paying money to his ex. If you are then stop it. And no one can repay that money to you except him. Any debt that existed before the marriage is his alone.

There is nothing stopping you reporting him to the NMC. But there isn’t anything in the post that when looked at objectively is provable or actionable. You won’t be able to prove he is a narcissist. His actions where to marry you and during the course of your relationship you took out a loan and used the money to pay off one of his debts. That was something you agreed to do within the relationship. It’s shit but not necessarily fraud or deception. Married couples do this sort of thing. I would say the case will go nowhere but if it did you will need to give evidence and all of that will bring him back into your life. Without a visa he can’t work anyway.

The important thing now is to protect yourself. He can get in your head and he can manipulate you. Do not give him the opportunity. And that means distance and removing him from your life quickly and painlessly. If you take actions which threaten him he will retaliate. He might also seek to win you back and that would be disastrous for you.

Stop paying money to his ex. There is nothing stopping debt at all and it’s not yours to service.

Well yes , but I didn’t hence me falling into the mess I am in now and I’m struggling right now ,my head and heart are at war so there’s not a chance in hell I will put myself through this again. This pain is unbearable. I haven’t even considered looking or thinking for another relationship nor won’t. But thank you it’s only been 5 weeks.
it was advice on the NMC I needed really but thought without my back story no one would understand

thanks for your kind words though

I don’t pay his ex , i mustn’t of been clear . He heavily persuaded me into getting a loan to pay money back to his ex . I only physically went to pay it because he had trouble sending it western union that’s how I knew it was to her . Not continuing to pay . It was one payment But I am left with the huge loan he got me to get for him in my name . That’s my fault for falling for it I get that .
regarding the NMC I have questionable proof no matter about the narcissist side of himself like stealing medicine from work etc

I thought coming on here would help me sort through my feelings in my head over agonising about what to do morally .

im going to have a long think as i had to report to home office we are separated which was bad enough , that near killed me despite how I had reached breaking point in our short marriage .

i have definitely gone non contact after the 21 essay messages I received a week ago calling me a monster and I have ruined his entire families future. I just let him rant and didn’t reply as I know that’s what he wanted was an argument and I’m tired of it all

once I get through the missing him part and memories I’ll be ok I know I will …
thanks for your help

If he's been in the country less than 6 weeks I highly doubt he's actually working as a nurse - it takes longer than that to sort out a pin for international nurses. Are you sure that's his occupation OP? (Have you also only known him for 6 weeks, or did you meet overseas?)

I think the OP means he hasn’t lived WITH HER for the last 6 weeks.
She hasn’t said how theyve been married. (Unless I missed it)

Sorry we’ve been together 2 years married for 1 . I told him to leave 6 weeks ago which he tried to come back 3 weeks ago but I decided I couldn’t do it as I doubt he would have changed . He’s been in the uk for 3 years a year before I met him . No he’s currently a HCA applying to get his pin here . Was a nurse in his country
Morally I’ve decided regardless of his stealing medicine as a HCA I’m not going to contact the NMC as I just can’t do it and I’m not vengeful.
That May be wrong but I can’t ruin his life. I’d even he’s left me with a bunch of debts. I need closure and that will just drag it on .

thank you all for all your advice x

I’m no contact and have down since Jan 5 th after 21 lengthy text off him telling me I am a joke and ibm e ruined his entire families life back home. Sad reality was I asked him several times to sit down and talk and fix find a solution even though I was at my wits end and exhausted. I drove that man to work every single day and back , took him to all his appointments, did his laundry, paperwork you name it he did nothing for himself . Yes I see how I let myself do that… but I did it out of love . So when he was questioned he walked away and didn’t try to resolve or talk about it . Didn’t care about my feelings , even when I had a fall he blamed me for it …
Regarding the NMC. I do have proof when he moved in he came with a suitcase full of medication he stole from the place he worked . It terrified me I slowly threw most of it away. Again tried to talk to him about that he gave multiple excuses as to why he had it - more rose tinted glasses by me didn’t want to rock the boat at the time . There’s still some here . I haven’t got around to throwing all his stuff away yet .

I feel if I did contact NMC I would be going backwards and it would definitely mean him merging and all that tiresome abuse via text would start again and I do t want/need it now
I’m trying each day to just move forward and stop thinking of him .
non will do me any good 😊

If you don't report him, he could harm patients. I thought medicines were carefully controlled in hospitals - is he taking it from patients who should be getting it?

If you are concerned about the 'morals' of this, think of those poor people who are in a vulnerable position.

I can't believe you haven't reported him already tbh to both the NMC and the police.
Surely stealing medication is a criminal offence.

No advice regarding the nmc or loans OP but I feel your pain. I married my Arab XH when I was 22 and looking back it’s as clear as day that he used me for the visa. I spent months while heavily pregnant preparing for his spouse visa and spent thousands on it.

As soon as he got over here he was awful to me and once we split up, his family back home were arranging a marriage for him with a local woman. I also found out that all of his exes before me had been middle aged woman who were citizens of UK or USA (he would have been early twenties at the time). He often mentions that once he gets his UK passport (he switched to a work visa after our divorce) that he will be able to return back home and make a fortune.

It really is shit when love blinds you.

I’m so sorry this has also happened to you. Mine was in the uk but working in a care home when I met him. I was dazzled by him he charmed me cooked for me told me how amazing I was and all the right things. Then came the I want to marry you over and over because “plans” to leave the job he hated. Getting married meant he could have the freedom to get any job. Like you I say hours and hours , filling forms fone calls sorted the visa , paid for most of it … blinded
Then slowly started doing less and less moaned at me didn’t appreciate anything I was doing which was everything .. could dare to say I wasn’t happy with something he would not speak for days .. I was mentally drained. Sad though because stupidly I still love him.
He’s regretting it now because now he has to find a job quick that will sponsor him otherwise he has to go back home which I know he doesn’t want . Hence me becoming the villain in his story
I always felt that once he became a British citizen which he desperately wanted he would be off and I would be alone
You must be devastated how long ago was it for you. I’m struggling to move on

I’m not going to do anything about NMC regardless of the advice on here. That is out of spite and revenge and it’s just not me

yes love really does hurt

I’m not going to do anything about NMC regardless of the advice on here. That is out of spite and revenge and it’s just not me

Surely it wouldn't be out of spite, it's to protect the people whose medication he is stealing.

He sounds awful and lies and steals and the NMC should know because this may also affect other elements of work. Please report. You can do so anonymously by setting up a new email address and emailing their whistle-blower email or calling. Just give them the dates of the theft and any other details that are pertinent. I'd be willing to bet if someone like this steals once they've done it multiple times

A man has stolen from you (that money wasn’t for any gf) got you into tons of debt. Lied repeatedly, forced you to give money to his family and stolen medicine from the hospital. And your willing to let him back into healthcare settings and around vulnerable patients and their belongings?

it is not spite, it safeguarding and alerting the NMC to a very dangerous individual.

please find your strength and righteous anger so that you feel empowered to do the right thing.

he doesn’t deserve your love or compassion. He is bad and nasty man and always will be

A HCA isn’t a regulated profession. If he had drugs taken from his job in a care home the issue is with the care home. They should have been supervising his work and accounting for the residents medication. The complaint would go to the CQC for investigation.

Yes I had a chat with my adult daughter because I’m too soft she is going to do it . I know it’s the right thing to do I just haven’t the strength to do it . He moved in with a suitcase full of medicine and I was shocked but as I explained in earlier messages this is a man you couldn’t question. He said it was all being thrown away anyway. He was a key holder to the medicine room with a couple of others. He made it seem ok but I wasn’t convinced and slowly threw away each few weeks so he wouldn’t notice. I was too smitten and again being love bombed I didn’t see the many many red flags or I did but chose to ignore them. Now I am out of it and friends and family and my kids who lived with him have all told me what a fool I was, I see it ,see all the things I should have been weary about. I shut down in the end because I had never met anyone like him . How can you love someone so much but be emotionally drained by them at the same time and they not see that or probably he did but chose to ignore , as it didn’t fit in his plans …. Every message since we split up has been me telling him I still love his but what my issues were and all he did was turn every word back on me.
when I say I did everything for him I actually mean everything . He didn’t lift a finger to help. The promises of cooking helping clean loved doing laundry before he moved in which was also he idea said it would help with bills . I fell out with my kids over this man. It’s was hard at first . Even They would say what you doing today oh don’t tell me just lying on the sofa on YouTube all day while mum runs around … they also were upset . One day after another planned day out arranged by me , he had a go at me for something small , I lost it said I don’t even know what’s wrong with you to which he turned it around .. so I took us both back home. He didn’t speak for two days ! Made an atmosphere in my home my kids were fuming. So I asked him 6 times to come talk and fix it and he ignored me this was over a few hours . I said I can’t do this anymore I’m putting in 90% your barely putting in the 10% if you’re not going to try talk to me and resolve maybe you should leave . He packed and walked away . My son told him off. Few times for talking to me like poo
I revoked his spouse visa as he took everything and even threw some clothes away he wouldn’t need.
The really nasty messages started the minute he had the home office email .
Now I’m the villain who’s ruined his life and his kids lives back home
sorry for the rant just having a bad day today didn’t sleep much last night . It’s only been 6 weeks since I told him to leave but I’m pretty broken

I’ll get the NMC done soon thanks for advice