Head injury while at Dad's House - AIBU

[NC457]

Background:
DS (20 months) had skull surgery a year ago, and I'm always very cautious about any hits to the head as the bone is still thickening where they opened it up.

My exDP was very abusive during the relationship and I ended it - we have very limited contact but after building up contact with DS I began allowing overnight stays - 1 night and day a week (plus 2x 2 hr visits with his dad during the week). I keep all communication limited to anything relevant to sons care, and so not respond to the rest, as he still uses every opportunity he can to control. But despite this, I make sure he always knows important information.

I arrived at our pick up location at 7pm (half an hour before sons bedtime), to his dad saying he had hit his head badly at the site of the operation a few hours earlier. He had swelling, and an abrasion on his head and under his eye and nose. I asked if he had contacted out of hours (no) if he had given any pain relief (no) and how he was after the injury (holding his head a lot). I called the local nurse and went straight to out of hours. Everything was OK luckily, but my frustration lies in the fact he didn't contact out of hours or tell me at the time - just a casual mention at pick up close to bed time, leaving me scrambling to do the responsible thing before I get him home.

I then messaged and gave him the update from the appt, and asked if this happened in future if he could please let me know at the time of the injury, or call NHS out of hours/GP for advice.

The reply:

"It's not for you to tell me what I should do if he gets hurt while he's in my care that's entirely down to my judgement and discretion."

My view is the judgement is off, and i don't understand why he wouldn't just agree to tell me about a head injury at the time it happened, so we could decide the best course of action.

This is one of those occasions where I absolutely think a check by the nurse was the right call given his medical history, and it fills me with doubt that he can't just agree to do this or at least contact me in future. I worry I've made the wrong decision with the amount of time I'm letting him spend there.

AIBU?

You’re not unreasonable. If it’s up to you I wouldn’t be allowing him contact. He doesn’t sound responsible.

Go to family court and let him tell them what he thinks child safety looks like.
I wouldn’t be allowing unsupervised contact without a court order .

Thanks. This is what I'm considering. There is nothing in place with court orders etc just a routine we have agreed, so I think I technically could do that, I do worry about how he will react, but at least I know he'd be safe.

Yeah good point. I think I'll speak to my solicitor on Monday. He also comes home crying for milk every week and his dad refuses to tell me the time he last gave him milk "the usual time", yet he's upset and hungry every time. He also let his new partner (I never met or was introduced to) drive our son home from a recent visit (he was there too but still weird), all just screams irresponsible.

is it just if he hits his head due to the op? Or do you expect ex to tell you every knock and fall ?

the head injury I can absolutely see why you’d want to know and be informed, but he doesnt have to tell you at the time. nursery /school practices would have a Policy around knocks to the head to ensure child monitored and parents informed, not necessarily at the time of event unless warrants collection or medical intervention and they are empowered to make judgment

if you expect to be told about every fall/knock/bump etc then that’s not reasonable and on that your ex is right it is up to him to decide

i can see why you’re concerned about this specific incident etc due to past operation and that’s bound to cause you some anxiety however

I'm afraid the bar for withdrawal of access is high. And none of the examples you've cited would pass muster in a court.
Its frustrating because ofc you're YANBU to want proper care for DC.
Maybe try to address in a different way? Could you say to him you absolutely understand it's his judgement but you'd just like to know if that would be ok?

No, but situations where there is significant swelling and bruising at the site of his surgery, and he fell on his face on the road, I would expect to be informed or to call the GP. I don't mind which. It's the fact he did nothing, including not give any pain relief.

So if it weren't for your child's medical history he acted reasonably - the injury doesn't meet the NHS's own criteria for medical attention after a bump on the head.

So the question is, were you told by the doctors who treated your son that he was higher risk for head injuries, and should be seen after all bumps to the head? Is this documented?

If not, you won't have a case in the family court.

I think he is right, it is down to his judgement and discretion. He was right in this case, there wasn't an issue with the bump.

Are you going to call him and ask his opinion if your ds hurts himself in your care?

What's good for the goose is good for the gander.

Had there been an issue with this particular bump, my opinion would probably be different but you exh called it right 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think you’re in for a battle op

the things you’ve said are not enough to get contact stopped ( by a court) however hard you find it. It’s up to ex to decide to parent and these might not always agree with your routine etc

If you can prove he’s not feeding child that’s one thing, but to stop contact because he doesn’t stick to what you say or agree to give you a report, that’s just not going to happen

you’ll need to be able to prove he’s a danger to your child if he fights for access and contact otherwise it will be given .

if you have genuine concerns ( and there’s none from this post ) look at what steps you can take.

Yeah that's fair, I tried that in follow up messages but he just kept saying what I say is redundant...it feels impossible to communicate without him turning it into an argument or getting defensive. He enjoys trying to get a reaction and is very high conflict so it's very hard to communicate. I would never complete stop access, I want them to have a relationship, I just worry I moved to overnight stays too soon.

Any normal person would discuss an injury like that with the other partner or would themselves take the decision to get medical advice. He sounds like a lazy idiot.

You say he was abusive in your relationship with him. Are you confident he didn't cause the injury?

thing is if he’s deemed ok for contact he’s deemed ok for nights.

there are some things you’ll need to learn to let go re general parenting differences. ( and it does sound like you expect him to do what you say)

I get that you think you know best, but nrp doesnt have to Agree or follow your routine or do things the same way.

I do get that it’s challenging and can be worrying for you but you have to determine what’s are things that are ok but just not what you’d want vs what’s a danger /abuse. Only the latter will stand a chance of holding back on contact

It was mostly coercive control and emotional abuse - not really any physical, so this didn't really cross my mind. The injury looks consistent with his description of events.

Court was quite happy for overnights not to start untill DD was 4.

My question is though why have you agreed to any access if he was highly abusive?
What does 'high abusive mean' in this context?
Threw you down the stairs?
Swore at you occasionally?
Hid money from you?

If he was physically abusive then you should reduce contact completely(and why would you want them to have a relationship?) This will buy you some time as DS grows and gets older but able to communicate with you on return and his head will be more likely to heal. Mediation wouldn't be appropriate and he'd have to take you to court - ok course the outcome of this particularly if there is no evidence is that he could get more time if the judge decides that is the best way forward.

But presuming that he wasn't physically abusive then he is right it is at his discretion and judgement what he does when DC is with him. Unless you have received directly medical advice telling you you must have him seen by a HCP rather than should this won't get anywhere.

His new partner driving him and you never meeting her is neither here nor there.

What's the advice from your son's medical team about bumps to the head? Because it's not clear if he's ignoring medical advice or if he just has a different attitude to risk than you.

The milk thing is a bit shit but the girlfriend driving is fine.

Their advice is to always get anything like that checked, especially with swelling.

Just to clarify I am not trying to stop access I just worry I was too trusting and increased it too soon. When we were together he'd always tell me I was overreacting and shouldn't call GP (e.g. when sons temp was 39.7 aged 3 months) and when I noticed the issue that ended up leading to a diagnosis. But I always thought that was to undermine me (was a very controlling relationship) and that he'd make better choices on his own.

In your place I would stop overnights. He isn’t responsible enough to keep him safe or seek help when needed. You don’t have a court order, so just tell him you’re going to stop the overnight until he’s older and more robust.

I would stop contact until the high risk period following the operation has ended as he has demonstrated he is not following the medical advice you were given.

Do you have that in writing on your sons notes /discharge

yes I would have expected to be told about the bump to head /or son taken to be checked due to sons history /op

is your son happy to see their dad - happy to stay when you drop off etx

No it was verbal advice during appointments with the surgeon.

Yes he's usually happy to see his dad.

A 20 month old toddler doesn’t need milk on a regular basis. Why is it irresponsible for his GF to drive his DS? Your ex is correct - it’s not for you to tell him what to do when his DS is in his care. You also cannot prevent your ex from having your DS if he is named on the birth certificate, only a Court can make that decision. If you refuse to hand your child over, that will look very bad for you in court.
You’re clearly unhappy about your DC having contact with his father, and that’s understandable given his behaviour during your relationship, but its important that children are able to have close relationships with both parents wherever possible, obviously as long as both parents are giving appropriate care.
You’ve had a pop at him for not seeking medical advice when his DS banged his head, he's had a pop back at you about you telling him what he should have done. Out of interest, if your Ds had hit his head whilst with you, would you automatically have informed your ex immediately, or waited until he next had contact?
You have a long time where you both have to communicate regarding your shared child, hopefully you can both reach a point where you can do so without conflict.

Totally agree with this.