Head injury while at Dad's House - AIBU

[NC457]

Background:
DS (20 months) had skull surgery a year ago, and I'm always very cautious about any hits to the head as the bone is still thickening where they opened it up.

My exDP was very abusive during the relationship and I ended it - we have very limited contact but after building up contact with DS I began allowing overnight stays - 1 night and day a week (plus 2x 2 hr visits with his dad during the week). I keep all communication limited to anything relevant to sons care, and so not respond to the rest, as he still uses every opportunity he can to control. But despite this, I make sure he always knows important information.

I arrived at our pick up location at 7pm (half an hour before sons bedtime), to his dad saying he had hit his head badly at the site of the operation a few hours earlier. He had swelling, and an abrasion on his head and under his eye and nose. I asked if he had contacted out of hours (no) if he had given any pain relief (no) and how he was after the injury (holding his head a lot). I called the local nurse and went straight to out of hours. Everything was OK luckily, but my frustration lies in the fact he didn't contact out of hours or tell me at the time - just a casual mention at pick up close to bed time, leaving me scrambling to do the responsible thing before I get him home.

I then messaged and gave him the update from the appt, and asked if this happened in future if he could please let me know at the time of the injury, or call NHS out of hours/GP for advice.

The reply:

"It's not for you to tell me what I should do if he gets hurt while he's in my care that's entirely down to my judgement and discretion."

My view is the judgement is off, and i don't understand why he wouldn't just agree to tell me about a head injury at the time it happened, so we could decide the best course of action.

This is one of those occasions where I absolutely think a check by the nurse was the right call given his medical history, and it fills me with doubt that he can't just agree to do this or at least contact me in future. I worry I've made the wrong decision with the amount of time I'm letting him spend there.

AIBU?

Do you think that might be more about seeing you and being tiered....you had said he cried for milk because he was hungry, now it's thirsty....but it could be more for comfort pre bed....he only needs a pint a day including cheese and yoghurt so I wouldn't assume dad isn't giving drinks most transition to hardly any milk drink in the day

Milk- have a snack at pick up. Every pick up. It could be thirst/hunger, it could be co.fort, it could be tiredness, it could be hangover is emotionally tricky for kids. It could be dad is useless. You need to change how you deal with it, you can't change your ex.

Girlfriend driving- yeh i don't see the problem.

Head injury- completely understand this. I would contact the specialist, through the PA, and ask for it in writing. Share with Dad.

Unfortunately the court is not going to stop contact for this incident. Although I completely understand that feeling of having a child with a medical history and what you may seem as an obvious response to a head injury, it isn't enough for the court to stop contact. I know that is heart wrenching for you.

My ex refuses to carry epi pens for our daughter. He was court ordered, then admitted at the next court date he doesn't follow the court order... nothing happened. He walked away with more time than before. I have to watch him take the child into places where all her allergies are, and she does not have that safety net or a father with common sense. Unfortunately both of our exes sound extremely similar. They will never see reason as it means work for them.

Safety net where you can. Gather evidence. Log with social services as a safety concern, speak to a domestic abuse charity like NCDV for advice as it won't be the first time they've heard this.

Control what you can in your time. That is all we can do.

@BookArt55 thats shocking ! Why is her dad not concerned about her safety? Is your child old enough to understand herself ?

Unfortunately not, just a toddler. Her big brother who is 5 is better than their dad. Dad is more concerned with painting me as the bad person. Scary watching them leave knowing he doesn't know how to react or more likely chooses not to follow medical advice, so I understand the main poster's worry.

Apparently I'm just controlling and over worry when I ask that epi pens ans antihistamines are carried at all times especially going into a food shop where all of her allergies are present.

Not ideal but can you get her a medical bracelet to wear at all times that at least says she’s allergic ?

im appalled in your behalf

Great idea, thank you so much!!

It sounds to me as though he called it right. He also told you exactly what had happened so you could take further action if you felt it was needed. You can’t expect him to do things the way you do them.