Ex left me for OW 18 years younger

[Applesandpears1806]

My STB EH of 18 years has left me for the OW he had emotional(he says)affair.
I've posted on here before at times about things,but now,after living in the same house together separated for the last 7 months he's moved in with her. We have a DS who is 8.He abruptly moved out on the 4th, into an Air Bnb with her for a week. Within days they've viewed a house,put up a years plus of rent and are moving into it. He's 39 she's 22!
It's laughable in a way to me,but now I'm facing the prospect of my son meeting her at some point which I will have to deal with.
Anyone else had experience of this or something similar?
I want to be the better person about it all,and I'm trying. The most important thing is my son's happiness. But I just cannot believe his behaviour,and feel he's so deluded about his life choices. What a fucking idiot! I'm struggling to keep my mouth shut. 🤦‍♀️

With a 17 year age gap, it's unlikely to last. Heaven knows what a 22 year old has is common with a 39 year old! Sounds like it's lust rather than anything else. Once they move in together, reality of life will suddenly become real for her. Your husband may suddenly start noticing the 17 year age gap, and find she's immature. None of this is your concern. Don't bad mouth your husband to your son regarding his choices. Yes, it's likely your son will have to meet the OW and spend time with her. There's nothing you can do about that. Keep conversations with your ex about your son, and nothing more. I predict within 2 years it will be all over.

Bless you, I know this sucks right now but it does get better, and of course you are entitled to feel hurt and upset.

My DH did something similar when my son was 9 months old and it took me nearly a year to process.

It’s going to take some time but you will feel better.
The thing you need to accept are that his choices are his to make and no matter how you feel about it that won’t change.

You can absolutely be the better person here, vent to family / friends but don’t discuss it with him.
Be cordial with him as a co-parent and when the time comes you will need to accept him meeting OW.

I am very lucky that my DS has a great relationship with his dad and in fairness to his partner they have stayed together, and whilst there is sometimes the odd disagreement between her and DS he does view her as a friend.

The priority here is your son and making sure he doesn’t get caught up in the midst of all this and that you can remain collaborative and respectful as co-parents.

Take care xx

Really accurate though I would be suspicious it's happening already 😒

How shocking! Hope you’re okay.

Regarding money, have you got that order? Has he taken a years rent out of your marital assets?

Sorry, can’t help on the meeting the ow question.

Get your ducks in a row - all financial documebts/pebsions/house valued

Apply to CMS

Sadly this is probably true.
And in your own happiness, you'll feel sorry for him.
I did when my ex divorced again.
I didn't see your previous thread , but for a man , 21 is very young for marriage.
So if I could do my time again I'd.....
Be very supportive of my son's relationship with his father.
I would try and cultivate a healthy relationship with ex and listen without judgment or resentment or blaming myself or him ( easier said than done )
I would have very healthy boundaries- get on with my own life.
You can do it op.

Betrayal is, in my opinion, the worst human experience to process because it is always done by those we love and should have been able to trust. You have to experience all of the emotions that go with it for them to lose force over time. It completely, completely sucks but you will get there. He is an absolute cock but knowing that alone won’t help you with this experience.

I'm so sorry, this is absolutely disgusting behaviour.

Although this is an unpleasant thought, it was my first thought too. I would question the timing and the up front money etc.

Secure your own finances as an absolute priority because if she is pregnant, his wallet is about to be battered.

Hi OP, sorry you’re having to deal with this.
I’m in a similar situation. I found out my STBEXH had been having an affair for a good few months with a woman 17 years younger than me and 10 years younger than him. He has met her at work.
He has since bought a house with her (after telling me lie after lie after lie about how he would be getting a house on his own and taking thing slowly for the sake of DC)

He then introduced DC to her after them only knowing about her for 4 months 😔

OW has already had an affair with another married colleague so she’s got form. She’s landed on her feet with EXH financially but I think once they live together and the honeymoon period is over, things will start to come undone.

I’m a few months down the line now and although I’m absolutely heartbroken that my life and family have been blown apart, I’ve settled on the ‘let them’ mantra.
There’s nothing you can do but sit back and watch the train crash of their relationship and leave them to it.

As long as my DC get to see their dad and spend time with him, I’ve had to learn to let go of the reins.

I still get so angry that my EX lied and betrayed me for so long but there’s no point me trying to make sense of it. He just gas lights and lies to me so I never believe a word he says anyway.

Midlife crisis alert for your ex too.
It is cringe worthy!
Rest assured your friends and family… & more
than likely his too… are laughing at him!
I know my EX is a laughing stock at work as this woman’s previous affair was well known about.

The only difference is my EX can’t get his new woman pregnant! 😵‍💫

I think the pregnancy comment is accurate and not mean. Honesty helps op prepare. If we can't be honest here where can we?

Thank for all the supportive replies,I've been doing my best to work through my anger and let it go. I'm just glad I don't have to live with him anymore.
We own the house,which has around 80-100k equity. He says he doesn't want the house,and wants a secure base for our son,so I can stay and give him 10k and he'll walk away. He seems genuinely intent on this. It is hard to 100% trust he won't come back for more at somepoint,but from what I've read online,if I type up a document summarising our agreement/amount I give him,and that he can't ask for more,with both our signatures on(he's happy to do it) then it should hold up in court if ever he asked for more.
I'm abit stuck at the moment as this has all happened while I'm studying/retraining and on a low wage.
I'm paying his half of the mortgage(I know)and he gives me child maintenance of £250 (he's also retraining too atm),oh and I'm comfortable,UC is helping me thankfully.
Just trying to keep him sweet financially,and desperately earn enough to take over the mortgage by myself!

Don't try to do this without competent legal advice. You need a proper financial consent order and file for divorce.

Wikivorce
Divorce for Dummies
FORM E
Family solicitor websites

Get proper legal advice and divorce him with a clean break separation. If he's offering you the equity, he must have a fairly healthy pension.

Find a lawyer. You may be entitled to some of his pension etc
How has he paid all that rent upfront?! Has he used your savings?

I would be grateful that the fucker has moved out tbh.
It would be worse if he decided to remain in the family home while seeing this OW on the side
With regard to your ds meeting the OW…. Just don’t have any expectations . She may want to meet your ds or she may not be interested in becoming a ‘child minder ‘ to an eight year old.
Your ex may even decide to focus on his relationship with this OW at the expense of his relationship with his child .
Just focus on yourself and providing a stable and loving home for your ds.

Hi OP, what a horrible thing to happen to you. Many years ago when I suffered a nasty breakup a good friend said in 6 months you will be fine when you feel dreadful now just focus on in 6 months time and soon you will be there.
It did help a bit and the thought was lovely.
And do look up Chump Lady she is American but her advice is universal.

This.
it won’t work out and his life will be in the bin. Please do not fold and take him back when this happens. Show your son you are the stable one , who puts his needs first - he will need you when the sad the knowledge of who is dad is hits home.

Get proper legal advice. Get a watertight financial settlement drawn up.

They say they don’t want much at first (it’s guilt, and the delight at their shiny new toy- the OW). That will wear off quickly after living in rented accommodation with no money. Then he’ll be back for more and more (and it often gets nasty). Get a solicitor.

I'm so sorry OP. 22 us ridiculous. I cannot imagine any woman wanting to be saddled with a 22yo.

Get a proper legal agreement. You need the house in your name.

He might reconsider later and you don't want that.

Definitely get a clean break order or he can potentially come back for more.

Also, make sure he gets a pension valuation - he may well be being "generous" with the house equity because he has a large pension pot that he doesn't want you to touch and that is far bigger than the equity amount.

This is a horrible life event for you to have to go through, but don't think it will be all sweetness and light in their home. They will soon be arguing about whose turn it is to do the washing up.

She may want kids in her late 20s/early 30s and if they're still together by then, he'll be around 50 and everyone will assume he's her dad and the grandparent. You'll have a teenager who is flying the nest and your ex will be coping with sleepless nights and nappy changes (and possibly a second divorce).

He's not the first man to have a midlife crisis and he won't be the last, and people he knows will be looking at him and rolling their eyes (whilst also potentially moving their young daughters out of his gaze).

You are well rid.

Won't last ...

The hardest thing is dealing with the anger. He came round to see our son for a bit tonight,and once DS was in bed, I started saying hateful things to STB EXH,which I all feel was justified,but I just want that anger to go. I just want to let it go and find peace and indifference towards him. Really struggling

This is hard. All I can suggest is focus on the practical aspects of the divorce process. And spend as much time as possible on things that give you joy.

It won’t last once the thrill has gone or she comes to her senses. He will be seen as old to her friends and by her soon enough. By then you won’t care.