After holding it together all Christmas... I finally exploded

[tellmesomethingtrue]

Living with STBEXH. I got home from having taken the kids out all day to him enjoying a relaxing evening having done bugger all to tidy up or clear the kitchen. Same old story. I went up stairs and left him to put the kids to bed, which he did. I then returned and completely lost my shit with him. I even surprised myself. All around the fact that he doesn't pull his weight around the house. I somehow brought up his affair (from 10 months ago) and I am shocked at how I felt so angry and let rip at him. By this point, we were both clearing the kitchen and tidying up as I think he realised that he needed to get up and help in case I got even more mad. I was shouting and swearing which is very unlike me. That is usually how he behaves. I just didn't feel like behaving 'reasonably' as I was so cross. Once he finally went to bed, I cried on the sofa, realising that I am angry about how every single thing over xmas has been a 'last'. Our last Xmas lunch together as a family. We are mid divorce. Last time putting up the tree together. Last time kids opening stockings with us both. I am wrecked with guilt as STBEXH doesn't want to divorce so I'm being blamed for doing it. He had an affair. Plus our children are unaware of the fact we are separating and I feel bad for betraying them. We still have to live together until our house sells and it hasn't even got onto the market yet. I feel so sad and so angry, and just couldn't even hold it in this evening.
I'm also mad because I read some of my old text messages from this time last year. I told him I wanted a divorce and I remember now he'd persuaded me not to do it. He then went to have the affair a few months later. I feel like such a mug.
Just need some kind words or people who have experienced similar guilt and feeling everything is the 'last time'. It really hurts.

You can believe what you want but please do others a favour and not encourage them to shoot themselves in the foot during divorce.

As I’ve already said, no one is encouraging the behaviour.

We’re told anger is a ‘bad’ emotion. It isn’t, it’s just an emotion, and it’s not healthy to repress it.
Sounds like you voiced a lot of hurt. Don’t beat yourself up about it.

He doesn't give a shit about the kids, he just doesn't want the financial hit and co-parenting logistics.

My DD divorced and it was the best thing for the children. Repressed rage and disgust doesn’t make a happy home.

It was hard at first but if you can just hold it together and do the job of separation it will be so much better down the line.

Think of it as a tunnel with a tiny light at the end, each step is tricky but it is taking you to a place where you have control of your own life. Each step takes you towards a brighter, happier place.

Good luck OP

Really? Okay, giving up on this one 😂

Oh pack it in now. Almost 50% of the posts on this thread are from you. You've given your opinion, nobody is obligated to agree with you.

It sounds like an extremely tough time, OP.

Try not to focus on the "lasts". It hasn't been a happy home life for you, for him or for the kids. You're looking back with rose tinted specs because of the finality of what's ahead. Focus instead on "firsts". Your first Christmas in a home that belongs to you and your children, without treading on eggshells or putting up with laziness and infidelity.

It's not up to him to call the shots. If you need to live separately to protect your peace then explore the options for doing that. Of course it's more convenient for him to stay out, but he's not the only person to be considered.

Are you a man?

Abusive my arse, she's reached the end of her rope!

No, I work in family law. I'm not really sure why gender would change the facts though? It's really not a good idea to shout and use obscenities during divorce (one of the first things a solicitor representing someone alleged to be abusive will do is seek evidence that the accuser is abusive too by the way. I have seen plenty of cases fall apart because the judge decides abuse is mutual).

You are not ‘betraying’ your DC. He did that when he had an affair. Please don’t feel guilty about any of this. This is the natural consequence of a man who was supposed to be a husband and father turning his back on that and being a lazy, lying, cheating piece of scum.

Yes the xmas fortnight has been extremely hard and certainly came to ahead yesterday as the tree was coming down and having to pack decorations away in such away that they can be split between two households for next Xmas.

Thank you for the analogy. I've been trying so hard to look forward but because of all the sentiment and traditions surrounding xmas, I was bound to think over the past for some of it which has caused the suppressed anger to bubble up. Feeling much calmer today.

Yes I really felt the hurt last night afterwards and he'd gone to bed. I have been pushing the anger and hurt away for my own sanity but it just washed over me last night. I feel cross at our younger selves for not trying harder. I feel cross at myself for not pushing for divorce two years ago when k first suggested it.

Good for you, it’s really hard to feel these emotions, but we have to feel it to heal it.
Be gentle with yourself.

@tellmesomethingtrue, it's perfectly natural to feel all sorts of emotions in your situation.
Despite what some (one) PP say, you can use this to your advantage:
Harness some of it to get your divorce rolling and get some impetus on taking the lead.
Don't wait for him to do it. Be brave and do it for yourself and your dc. Living with a marriage that is without love is a horrible place to be and you will be a much better (and happier) parent once you have disentangled yourself.
All the best to you.

I'm also angry that he keeps suggesting we wait to divorce or it's better for the kids if we continue us to live together for another couple of years.

Of course he would. He's got a ready made cleaner and childcare provider, and very probably cook, shopper and laundry maid if you haven't told the kids yet. His life will dramatically change for the worst as he will have to actually DO something.

Make a New Year's resolution to get the house market ready, valued and all your finances sorted/listed for the solicitor. You can download Form E from the gov.uk website, it's long but most of it won't be applicable to you. You can start the divorce process online yourself ( and £600) but you will need a mediator to sort out children and finances.

Start the process, you don't need his permission. A judge can sign a house sale on his behalf if he refuses. Of course that takes time and money but you won't be held hostage forever.

He could twist it. OP I’m in a similar situation and my ‘D’H has labelled my behaviour abusive. It’s not. It’s reactive. Reactive abuse it’s called. It’s when the abused finally have had enough and we explode. The abuser then focuses on our behaviour ‘behaviour F’ and ignores their behaviour A-E that led us to F.

The advice I’m trying to follow is to be a mindful ninja. To try and remain as present and clear as possible. Aggressively pursue self care and avoid conflict as much as possible. Stay as grounded and regulated as possible. So hard in these situations though. Sending you love and strength.

Just be careful, OP. My ex-husband used to be incredibly verbally abusive to me, putting his face in front of mine, towering over me in doorways so I couldn't leave the room etc. It was incredibly frightening. He would shout at me in front of our two very young children.
When I left him and he took me to court for child custody (revenge), I was "pulled up" as I thought the best thing to do when he was having these explosive outbursts was to calmly leave the house, go for a walk etc until he'd calmed down.
Apparently I was "leaving him to care for the children" which was unacceptable.

Seriously?!! So it was seen as you not pulling your weight? This world baffles me sometimes.

@TableDoorbellSmile It was seen as me "running away" from my kids when I should have been at home supporting my (incapable) husband with The Big Job at all times. I would only be gone for minutes until he had stopped shouting at me and calmed down, but apparently that was wrong.

You will lose the burden of such excruciating disappointment when you get rid of him. Please don't be casual about him being in your new home.

How the fuck is she boasting about it? She is cross with herself for doing this and explaining why it happened.

You are just trying to scare OP which is a horrible thing for you to do.

I'm not aiming to scare but I am stressing the importance of keeping a lid on emotions during divorce when dealing with the other party. Bad outcomes for good people happen and I don't want that to happen to the OP or anyone else reading this.

You say that all the "lasts" made you sad but it will soon be the last time you come home to a lazy bastard sat in a mess.
Your life will be so much easier once you have split- doing everything yourself is so much easier than doing it with a burning resentment at somebody who should be pulling their weight and isn't