Living with STBEXH. I got home from having taken the kids out all day to him enjoying a relaxing evening having done bugger all to tidy up or clear the kitchen. Same old story. I went up stairs and left him to put the kids to bed, which he did. I then returned and completely lost my shit with him. I even surprised myself. All around the fact that he doesn't pull his weight around the house. I somehow brought up his affair (from 10 months ago) and I am shocked at how I felt so angry and let rip at him. By this point, we were both clearing the kitchen and tidying up as I think he realised that he needed to get up and help in case I got even more mad. I was shouting and swearing which is very unlike me. That is usually how he behaves. I just didn't feel like behaving 'reasonably' as I was so cross. Once he finally went to bed, I cried on the sofa, realising that I am angry about how every single thing over xmas has been a 'last'. Our last Xmas lunch together as a family. We are mid divorce. Last time putting up the tree together. Last time kids opening stockings with us both. I am wrecked with guilt as STBEXH doesn't want to divorce so I'm being blamed for doing it. He had an affair. Plus our children are unaware of the fact we are separating and I feel bad for betraying them. We still have to live together until our house sells and it hasn't even got onto the market yet. I feel so sad and so angry, and just couldn't even hold it in this evening.
I'm also mad because I read some of my old text messages from this time last year. I told him I wanted a divorce and I remember now he'd persuaded me not to do it. He then went to have the affair a few months later. I feel like such a mug.
Just need some kind words or people who have experienced similar guilt and feeling everything is the 'last time'. It really hurts.