I am thinking of asking DH to leave

[struggling1983]

I have been married to DH for 11 years together for 15
Things havent been right between us for years for about 8 years at least. Having children, bereavements and health difficulties have been hard. Our sex life is non existent and when we do it, I don't really enjoy it.
The spark isn't there for me anymore. I have found myself looking at other men differently. I tried to talk to him a few nights ago but he brushed it off saying we are both tired and we have had a lot on and that he still loves me and everything is fine. Now is continuing like I said nothing. He is a lovely lovely man generally, although admits he has been stressed and suffered with his temper with the children and we have both bickered. I dont want to hurt him but i imagine single life and making my own decisions all the time.
any advice please?

You can't just ask someone to leave. If you want to separate, you should be the one to leave the family home. You would then rent somewhere while you sell the house and look for somewhere smaller.

But I cant leave the children. This is the problem, I am the primary care giver. Hes got them as its the holidays now but come term time its just me doing it all. I couldnt afford to find something for the 3 of us.

Why should he leave? You expect him to lie his home, access to his children simply because you want out?

by all means tell him you want to separate but then you’ll need to agree what happens to the house, how to split access and sharing children equally. In the meantime he doesn’t have to leave

are you expecting him to leave and simply just keep paying for everything as it is now? Not going to happen

You really haven't thought this through.

He doesn't have to go anywhere. If you want to split, then you will probably have to sell the house and then rent/buy somewhere else. If he wants, he will be allowed to have the children 50% of the time. Divorce is very damaging for the finances!

You'd be better off working on your marriage first. The grass isn't necessarily greener out there!

Yeah he hasn't got to go anywhere, if you fancy the single life then you can leave.

If he leaves then can you afford the rent/mortgage? If you own your home then he will want his 50% of the equity after a while so that he can buy.
Does he have somewhere to go to?
If you’re financially ready then it’s worth discussing long term options like putting the house on the market if that’s an option that you might need.

Tell him the marriage is over and ask him to find somewhere else to live

He probably won't, so live together but separately whilst you file for divorce and put the house on the market

Having children, bereavements and health issues will take a toll on any relationship. I’m not surprised you’re not in the throes of passion. I would work on your relationship. Being a single parent half the week would be tough. Trying to date with kids, poor health etc won’t be like dating pre-marriage and kids. It sounds like you’re being unrealistic in what you think will happen if you break up. I hope you can salvage your marriage. You just sound fed up and tired which happens to everyone at some point.

See a therapist on your own if you can afford it, and work out what you want and how to get there. It sounds like you have already decided though so maybe see a couples counsellor with him to agree how to separate - to agree who will stay in the house, what is best for the kids etc. Him telling you everything is fine is invalidating your feelings. Clearly everything is not fine. My ex used to inform me that everything was fine when I tried to split up with him. It took me a long time to get him out but I did eventually and I am MUCH happier now. The only way I got him to move out was seeing a couples counsellor because in those sessions he had to face up to the reality of a separation. She helped him to understand what was best for our children. Your children will be happier if you are both happier. The grass is very often greener. Good luck!

Maybe he is planning of remaining

You are not the only one struggling to stay happily married with all the life's challenges being thrown in. Do you like reading? Loving Against the Odds by Rob Parsons and Why Women Talk and Men Walk or How to Improve Your Relationship without Talking about It are two really good books. Cheaper than counselling and certainly cheaper than divorce

From reading your posts it feels like you imagined a life where he left the house leaving you and the children there with him financing this.
in reality if you separate you would most likely be working and so would no longer be the primary care giver , there would be a 50-50 split of the children being with you and exh. Once the house had been sold and equity split you may both be renting, at huge cost, properties that are less suitable than you are used to
it sounds as if you have a completely unrealistic idea of what things would be like.

But that's the situation. If you separate, he will have the children 50/50, unless there is abuse involved. You will need to move to somewhere smaller that you can afford. There aren't other options here, OP, he's not going to move out and fund your lifestyle, he needs to move on with his life and house himself and the mids when he has them.

*kids, not mids

I dont know any men that actually want 50:50. Fuck me, they don't generally want to do anything above the bare minimum let alone do 50% childcare. Unless the children are secondary school age and you've already done all the hard work.

I would agreee that it's worth having counselling so you are 100% sure that divorce is what you want. Don't make a knee-jerk reaction. Consider if your relationship is fixable. The grass isn't always greener. However, life is too short to stay with someone that makes you miserable.

You need to sort out your finances first.

How much equity is in the house and can either one of you buy the other out, or will it have to be sold?

How much in savings, investments and pensions is there?

If you don't have a job/parttime then that needs to change.

Go on the benefits calculator and see what help you might get, especially with rent and childcare costs.

In the meantime start living separately in the same house. Separate beds, separate laundry, separate shopping and cooking. Split the childcare into 50/50 and let him be a sole parent during "his" time, ie feeding them, shopping, pickups from school, breakfast run, sorting out care, washing etc. Don't give in on this as it will make your 50/50 and cms claim easier once you are properly apart. It will bring the reality of parenting to him and whether he can actually adapt his life enough.

Remember - you can break up for any or no reason at all. But you do need to think the finances through properly which will involve losing the marital home. Downsizing or rental or in a totally different location or all three is the norm. Get on rigtmove to look at your options. Plan, plan and plan again, then execute that plan. It can be done

@Billblue dh would definitely want and get 50/50 if we split. Sure he's not unique

Good for him.

I dont know anyone in my social circle whose X has the kids 50:50. The most 3 weekends a month. I'd happily do 50:50. If it is indeed 50:50 with him doing pick ups, drop offs, and sickness cover on his days.

It’s very different in my circle. I know a few divorced couples (all quite amicable) and all of them do 50/50.

One former couple also do something called bird nesting (I’d never heard of before) where they both spend a week in the house and then the next week in a flat so the kids stay in the family house full time.

I am guessing this is pretty unusual though!

Neither person should leave the marital home until the divorce is finalised. Then you'll have to buy him out, or sell the house and get your own property, support yourself, work, share parenting 50/50.
If you can't afford to house yourself what do you think will happen when you're single?

What on earth are you calling him “D” H?

Why not?

The OP says "He is a lovely man generally".

Plenty of people go through divorces but still have affection for the parent of their kids.

What ages are? Can you support a household on your own?

Unless you own the house in full in your own name, you can’t just ask him to leave! Your finances don’t mean he just has to do what you want. You’ll have to sell the house and both find something you can afford. You will probably have to work full time and see what benwdits you can claim. You might need to rent a flat and you/your kids share bedrooms.

You seem to think you can snap your finger and ask him to move out but carry on paying the mortgage/bills on the house as well as paying for him to house himself because you’re a bit bored in your marriage.

Think about finances. What do you earn, @struggling1983 ? What does he earn? How much are your current housing/bills? What childcare will you be entitled to?

i imagine single life and making my own decisions all the time.

Can you afford to have that level of independence?