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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Kids prefer exes life than what I can provide

35 replies

Kelbowl · 28/12/2024 22:57

Ex had an affair a year ago and moved in with new partner straight away after we separated. Our teenage kids have just spent their first day with him and his new family to celebrate Christmas and they have spent loads on presents for them and presented the perfect family life which my kids really want to be a part of. He has a well paid job and gives me £350 a month for maintenance but as a single parent it doesn’t leave much for nice things or expensive meals out etc. (I work a few jobs but none are especially well paid). He wants to present as the fun loving lavish parent and I don’t think the kids notice that I provide all the practical stuff and try my absolute hardest for them. They just think it’s boring at home.

He is about to force a sale on our house meaning I will not be able to afford another property in this area with just half the equity, so will have to move areas , and I’m sure the children will just move in with him instead as they don’t want to leave their friends. I guess im just feeling hurt that I’ve been dropped so quickly when I didn’t do anything wrong to cause the affair and whereas the children were supportive of me initially, now they just want the lifestyle. If they came to visit I wouldn’t be able to afford to do all the big days out so I’m worried that they just won’t come and I’ll lose them forever.
Has anyone had experience of this and how does it work out? I’m feeling so lonely.

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/12/2024 23:15

Are you ok universal credit? If you get a shared ownership home they will pay the rent part for you I think

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/12/2024 23:15

What proportion of days per week do you both do now?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/12/2024 23:15

Ps you're their amazing mum. They are riding the high of an exciting high but this Disney dad stuff doesn't last all year

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/12/2024 23:16

Also I highly doubt the stepmum wants them under her feed 7 days a week

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/12/2024 23:17

Pps they will be moving out in a few years anyway so you need to develop
Your own life hobbies friends etc too!

Mangocity · 28/12/2024 23:18

I'm in a similar position. I feel it. You're not alone.

Mangocity · 28/12/2024 23:22

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/12/2024 23:16

Also I highly doubt the stepmum wants them under her feed 7 days a week

This is rubbish advice to a woman grieving the loss of her caring role when it isn't over yet. As if she has had a moment to do any of that! She was needed. She's still needed as she is clearly their stability and the one who has prioritised them throughout. Doubtless she was aware that in the fullness of time they would leave, one by one. That's not what has happened here.

ThisQuickPlumFinch · 28/12/2024 23:23

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/12/2024 23:16

Also I highly doubt the stepmum wants them under her feed 7 days a week

This! I always worried about the kids wanting to live with my ex and him wanting them as he always would say it to get a reaction.

He doesn't want the day to day reality of kids, the pick ups, school, drop offs, arguments. He wants term time holidays and golf after work, that is the main reason he left me was for more free time.

And the new girlfriend definitely won't want it.

Elizo · 28/12/2024 23:31

Kelbowl · 28/12/2024 22:57

Ex had an affair a year ago and moved in with new partner straight away after we separated. Our teenage kids have just spent their first day with him and his new family to celebrate Christmas and they have spent loads on presents for them and presented the perfect family life which my kids really want to be a part of. He has a well paid job and gives me £350 a month for maintenance but as a single parent it doesn’t leave much for nice things or expensive meals out etc. (I work a few jobs but none are especially well paid). He wants to present as the fun loving lavish parent and I don’t think the kids notice that I provide all the practical stuff and try my absolute hardest for them. They just think it’s boring at home.

He is about to force a sale on our house meaning I will not be able to afford another property in this area with just half the equity, so will have to move areas , and I’m sure the children will just move in with him instead as they don’t want to leave their friends. I guess im just feeling hurt that I’ve been dropped so quickly when I didn’t do anything wrong to cause the affair and whereas the children were supportive of me initially, now they just want the lifestyle. If they came to visit I wouldn’t be able to afford to do all the big days out so I’m worried that they just won’t come and I’ll lose them forever.
Has anyone had experience of this and how does it work out? I’m feeling so lonely.

The novelty of being able to afford nice things will wear off. Try not to worry in the short term - they need time to adjust. Can you not get a smaller place in the area? Have you had legal advice?

Wish44 · 28/12/2024 23:46

No advice but solidarity as am in similar situation. I just can’t provide the life that their dad can… it’s a horrible feeling and I worry constantly that they will want to go and live with him and his new wife. The irony being I guess that my worries make me depressed and that is probably more likely to drive them away than the money… we have to try and give what we can. We are their mothers and we love them and they know that and they will always want that in their lives.

Its shit and unfair op!

GreyBlackBay · 28/12/2024 23:54

I'm so sorry you feel unappreciated OP. Unfortunately DC won't realise what they have until its gone.

I agree with above that Disney dad almost certainly won't want full custody. Make sure he explains that to them if they want to go and live with him - with absolutely no 'it'd be unfair on your mum' BS.

Have you had legal advice about your house? My divorced friends all seem to get to stay in the family home until thd kids are grown but I'm not privy to the derails. Make sure you get some, the upheaval for the DC should be a contributing factor.

Your DC love you, they've just had their heads turned by someone splashing the cash.

MeganM3 · 29/12/2024 00:00

It's tricky isn't it.
Can't really blame the kids for wanting a nice lifestyle and the materialistic stuff. I would.
Let's hope they keep sight though of how wonderful you have been to them and how you've been there day in, day out, and how hard it's been for you.
They will realise it all one day - even if it isn't today.

As for the child maintenance and leaving the home... make sure you get all that you're entitled to. Don't worry about rocking the boat.

millymollymoomoo · 29/12/2024 07:08

Are you married?

Chaseandstatus · 29/12/2024 07:20

Get legal advice OP

50% equity isn’t meeting your needs to house the children.

Rtmhwales · 29/12/2024 07:29

If it would be less disruptive for them to stay in the area and the school then maybe it’s for the best. Divorce is a huge upheaval. Will you be close by? Maybe you could be the fun parent if they’re at dad’s the majority of the time. It sucks but teens can be materialistic and likely will want to stay near their friends. Hopefully not.

millymollymoomoo · 29/12/2024 07:30

Depends if op is married

buttonousmaximous · 29/12/2024 07:30

Been there.

I kept my mouth shut, never slated or judged him. Just made sure I was there for my kids and we had quality time together. He cheated on his second wife and moved 2 hours away to be with third wife. The visits got less and less. They are adults now, we are very close. One dd has moved out, I speak to her most days and see her every couple of weeks. Other dd still lives at home. They see their dad a few times a year. They still haven't had a Xmas meet up with him.

Just do your best at your end and don't compare

Original poster
Kelbowl · 29/12/2024 08:08

Yes we are still married. Divorce has not been started yet although it’s the next step. For the past year he has only seen his youngest child once a week for about an hour with not much interest to do any more which I think is why I was so upset when children have reacted the way they have after one day with him. I think you’re right that he would find it difficult to deal with the day to day stuff but his partner has similar age children that live with them so it’s not completely out of the question.
I am keen to get new hobbies etc but it’s hard fitting something in amongst jobs and that doesn’t cost too much but I will keep trying to get out.
i guess it’s just a case of carrying on as I am and hoping they realise eventually that I was just trying my best.
thanks for the support everyone. Xxx

OP posts:
sometimesmovingforwards · 29/12/2024 08:13

Could you focus on earning more?

Azandme · 29/12/2024 08:13

You need legal advice NOW - and start the divorce online if necessary.

He can't force the sale of the house without a financial order - it's a marital asset. 50% equity isn't right if you're housing the kids.

Also - look at mesher orders.

Don't believe a word he says about property or money, and don't forget his pension.

MeanMrMustardSeed · 29/12/2024 08:14

Try not to worry. Your DC are desperately clutching at straws. They’ll know he’s a shit dad.

Hollietree · 29/12/2024 08:19

The most important question is do you have a solicitor? If not, see one immediately.

If he is already adequately housed, earns much more money than you…… but you cannot afford to stay locally once the house is sold, then there is a good chance that you would be awarded more than 50% of the equity.

Do not do anything in regard to selling the house without seeking good legal advice.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 29/12/2024 08:21

@Kelbowl keep going. Keep being the stable rock that you are and have been for your dcs.

Your h is flighty and unreliable.

Let him indulge them. Let him fork out for them. He will tire of it soon. And he will disappoint them again. And again. And again. Believe me, they will need you more than ever.

Make sure you get what is fair in the divorce.

Ohyoudodoyou · 29/12/2024 08:21

buttonousmaximous · 29/12/2024 07:30

Been there.

I kept my mouth shut, never slated or judged him. Just made sure I was there for my kids and we had quality time together. He cheated on his second wife and moved 2 hours away to be with third wife. The visits got less and less. They are adults now, we are very close. One dd has moved out, I speak to her most days and see her every couple of weeks. Other dd still lives at home. They see their dad a few times a year. They still haven't had a Xmas meet up with him.

Just do your best at your end and don't compare

This also happened to me. I was also going to suggest ride it out as hard as it is. My youngest daughter went to live with her dad and came back and now I can't get rid of her nor her boyfriend! Kids know where they are with the main parent, they'll need you when all the tricky scenarios in the new home arise. Let them stay when they are any to see him and then you'll learn to get some much needed space for yourself but they'll always come back.
Also - that's a measly amount of money any reason he's paying you such a low amount?
Good luck OP, I feel for you but you'll look back in a year and know you've done the right thing.

mejustmenothingtobe · 29/12/2024 08:28

Agree with those recommending legal advice. Strongly. Please do not be swayed by any of his threats. He's gong to say anything to you that gets him what he wants. His life full of sparkly new stuff is just window dressing. You have put in the spadework so you should fight for the right to be able to continue being the consistent and constant factor for your
Kids. Believe your lawyer when they say you have the right to more than half. Please. I also agree with those who say he'll not want the kids for longer periods. My ex almost treats my dc as lifestyle accessories...drafting them in for drinks parties (he actually pays them to serve drinks, twat) and playing the great father figure while totally ignoring their emotional needs. My two are sort of seduced by this but whenever they need Real Advice or support they come to me. Every time. My last piece of advice is to play the long game but don't shield them from the realities of this situation. I hid the sheer selfishness of their father from my dc for years because I wanted them to have a good relationship with him. This has backfired a bit because when he treats them badly they do not understand and get upset. Honesty is the best policy. Good luck.