Kids prefer exes life than what I can provide

[Kelbowl]

Ex had an affair a year ago and moved in with new partner straight away after we separated. Our teenage kids have just spent their first day with him and his new family to celebrate Christmas and they have spent loads on presents for them and presented the perfect family life which my kids really want to be a part of. He has a well paid job and gives me £350 a month for maintenance but as a single parent it doesn’t leave much for nice things or expensive meals out etc. (I work a few jobs but none are especially well paid). He wants to present as the fun loving lavish parent and I don’t think the kids notice that I provide all the practical stuff and try my absolute hardest for them. They just think it’s boring at home.

He is about to force a sale on our house meaning I will not be able to afford another property in this area with just half the equity, so will have to move areas , and I’m sure the children will just move in with him instead as they don’t want to leave their friends. I guess im just feeling hurt that I’ve been dropped so quickly when I didn’t do anything wrong to cause the affair and whereas the children were supportive of me initially, now they just want the lifestyle. If they came to visit I wouldn’t be able to afford to do all the big days out so I’m worried that they just won’t come and I’ll lose them forever.
Has anyone had experience of this and how does it work out? I’m feeling so lonely.

I left the family home (my choice) and my dc followed me pretty quickly. As long as you continue to make sure you are the fair parent allowing dc to choose, they quickly realise who really cares about them (they do see through alienation so never bad mouth their other parent). As far as splitting your assets, I suggest he arranges a mediation session first of all with an experienced mediator who can help you come to an arrangement which suits you both. If either dc are over 14 then you are likely to be granted a mesher order so your home doesn't need to be sold until after their exams however typically you would need to he able to cover bills which is usually the sticking point and why I decided i didn't want my big house.

Having read your update, I’m not surprised the kids reacted as they did. If they’ve barely seen their dad since the split they must have been feeling pretty rejected and confused. It sounds like him going all out for Christmas has made them feel like he might be interested in them after all so they’ll be jumping at that. It might not feel like they appreciate you and all the care you give them being the day to day consistent parent, but it’s what they need especially when navigating the emotional minefield of their parents divorcing.

If he has a well paid job he should be paying a lot more in child maintenance than he is.

Also echo everyone else you need to get a good solicitor and get more equity and maintenance.

You need to hold off selling the house until you have reached financial settlement as part of the divorce process

you’ll need to look at all assets and work out a split, why may or not be 50:50

he can’t unilaterally decide that

seek advice

That’s not how it works.

Care to elaborate? The housing element of UC can be payable for the rent element of a shared ownership house. The UC entitlement would be impacted by any earnings or savings though.

Be honest and don't undervalue your love, care, interest and concern for the children. You're not a one day wonder, you're the consistent source of love in their life.
Just say your dad is able to spend lots of money on Christmas presents and fun things because he has more money, the amount of money he gives towards looking after you, for food and fun means with my smaller wage I can't afford to give you the things he can. I have been working part time to be able to look after you which has been wonderful, and I would always put your welfare first, but it means I just don't earn as much as your dad, as I didn't develop my career, or spend as much time at work. He wants to divorce and sell this house and take half the money. I will borrow as much as I can and we will see what we can afford. Will you help me start looking at houses as we need to plan, and see whether you feel a house closed to school or a bigger one is more important to you. I know his house is nicer, and near your friends. Help me find a compromise, somewhere we can afford and somewhere you would be ok living. I also want to find lots of fun things for us to do that don't cost too much so that we can have fun together, have you got any suggestions. It would break my heart if you didn't live with me, I'm going to do everything I can to make you a lovely home with me, I want you with me more than anything.
Kids love to be in charge and have responsibility, give them that respect and give them a budget for fun. It might be make homemade pizza and watch a TV film together. Go to a free event and eat homemade food. Give them the choice and the power to decide. They will see that you love them and are there always for them.
I'm sure there lots of great advice here on dealing with your divorce. I hope you find a way through this that is not too painful for you all. And remember teens can appear ungrateful but they do value your care and love.

I would start to explore with your ex what will happen when the house is sold. Start saying things along the lines of "And of course the kids will need their own bedrooms when they're with you for most of the time" and "I'm afraid I won't be able to afford to pay you much maintenance but hopefully you'll manage". Also, "it's nice that they get on with New Partner and children, it will make it easier for you all". You may find that he/she are not at all happy at the prospect of having them full-time and he becomes more reasonable over other things.

Completely disagree with @HmmmIAmPondering