To ask DH for divorce

[NewBeginnings2025]

Some background: I've been with DH since 15 years old, we had our first child at 18, and 3 children by the age of 22. We married in 2017 and purchased our first home in 2019. DH has not always been the best in terms of a wandering eye and there have been moments of dishonesty throughout our relationship on his part.

Around 3 years ago, the wandering eye arguments came to a head. He couldn't understand how it made me feel when I was out with him and he would literally break his neck to check other women out - I do get MOST if not ALL men and women can look and appreciate beauty but not to the extent where it disrespects your OH. I totally felt disrespected and it knocked my self-esteem massively. He would also make highly inappropriate comments to other women when in their company, and mine, whether it was in the gym or at a friends house. He would spend 3-4 hours, 6-7 days a week in the gym and friendships he made with mostly females which he kept secret from me. When I asked about why he was so long, he would always tell me I'm controlling and time him, or tell him he can't look at other women when we are out. He began distancing himself from me. Truth was, I felt really lonely and unwanted.

Eventually 3 years ago, we had yet another dispute and he told me he was going to move into his Mums house 2 minutes around the corner. He said he wanted to meet other people and have "fun". After around 1 year of odd date nights and limited contact but still being intimate without sleeping in the same bed at all, I found out he was having an emotional affair. She called him when in my presence and I made him answer, I recognised the name on his phone to someone he had on his Instagram, he brushed her off previously as "just someone he knew from the gym". Long story short, he denied everything but I found proof, I found all the deleted messages, flirting and exchange of personal numbers. I told him I was leaving him and he asked to talk and to come home to work things through. I agreed.

DH was home a year before yet more messages where found where he was PM'ing women from the gym again calling them "baby girl" and offering to meet them to show them how to work the machines etc. I was so angry, I told him to go and he did without a fight. That was 15 months ago and he is still "gone". We also tried marriage counselling for 7 months without success - his idea - but felt our Counsellor was always "teaming" with me and "against" him. He was never willing to work at her recommendation and felt it was a chore to attend. It stopped in June 2024, again his decision.

I recently stopped being intimate with him around 2-3 months ago after I found out he was regularly meeting up with the women he had an emotional affair with. They were meeting 2-4 times per week and a further away branch of the gym we attend (all 3 of us attend the same gym!). He denied again anything was going on. Since then I saw him coming out of a class with her, walking through the gym with my 15 year old DS in tow, tagging along behind them.

I've been through an absolute whirlwind of emotions, hurt, sleepless nights, anger, gut wrenching feelings, feeling lost and so much more. I was completely and utterly in love with him and besotted to the point I allowed myself to be so disrespected that I completely lost sight of myself. I think it's time I brought all of this to an end and tell him I want a divorce.

I'm petrified, I wouldn't even know where to begin...

He earns probably 4-5X more than I do. Neither of us have any savings, we are in the middle of an extension that we have put everything into - he is a builder and doing most of the work. He pays the mortgage, food shopping and half the other household bills. I pay the other half of the household bills.

I know I can stay in our home (joint mortgage) until our youngest turns 18 but I'm so scared that he will use money as a form of power so I've considered getting a second job which I'm in the process of searching for.

Divorced or experienced ladies, where do I begin? I need some useful advice and suppose I just want reassurance and some happy endings... I'm 35 years old and have not been alone since 15 years old when I met him... I'm finding this so difficult to deal with. I've learned to get to sleep without him since he has been gone over 2 years of the last 3. I think divorce is the best next step. My parents agree a divorce is probably the right thing given they have been the ones pulling me out of dark places but have said not to rush into anything. How do I even approach the subject of divorce with him. The last conversation we had about separation, he threatened to sell the house which I know he can't but I'm mentally preparing myself for verbal abuse and malice from him... he has also told me if I began dating anyone else, I would never see him again and would not get a penny from him which is obviously a massive issue as we have 3 children (16, 15 and 12) and a roof/bills to pay.

Sorry for the long post, I just really need to reach out to someone who has been through all or any of this. Thank you so much in advance.

I think another poster mentioned OP but you won’t be able to stay in the house until the youngest is 18. If neither of you have savings/assets then the home will have to be sold and you each get a % of the equity so that you can both be adequately housed elsewhere, court now will not force him to wait for his equity & continue to pay your bills to stay in the house.

It means you will get your share of the equity to buy/rent somewhere else, if he can afford to then he could buy you out so give you your share of the equity and he can then keep the house.

Sorry you are going through all of this. It can feel massively overwhelming but it sounds like your marriage had become unbearable so you are doing the right thing. Things will undoubtedly get tough for a while. You will get through it. It takes time. Try to stay connected and supported by family, friends and maybe a coach or therapist to get through this.

First thing, you need good legal advice so you know where you stand. Do you have any divorced friends that can recommend a good solicitor? You need to find info like are you both joint tenants on the mortgage? What other assets are there? Try to find evidence of any savings in his name. You need to do your research on what is actually in the marital pot. Do one or both of you have pensions? All of this makes up the marital pot.

Other posters are correct in that mesher orders are rare these days. However it is potentially possible you may be able to negotiate staying in the house until your youngest finishes secondary education. However, achieving this could be exceptionally difficult without going to court and wasting a lot of money and a lot of stress. Although your relationship has broken down, ideally you want to retain a decent Co parenting relationship and insisting on staying in the house until your youngest is 18 may not be conducive to that. On the other hand, don’t worry re making any quick decisions, things can take ages with divorce.

Do you work part time or full time? If part time think carefully before getting a full time job. In my experience, spouses who work part time have an upper hand with negotiation than those who are full time. Full time working women are much more expected to stand on their own two feet, whereas part timers, not so much from what I’ve seen…

Thank you for your advice. I'm not financially in a position to be able to afford legal advice although I do get one hour free legal advice with my works Union. I know there will be much more required than one free hour of verbal advice.

I already work full time and have done so for 8 years now but still do not earn anywhere near what he does. I do all of his business estimates and invoices for any building work he does so I have a good idea of any money he does have and he has poured everything into extending our home which we are still in the middle of. As far as I am aware, he has one other personal account which he doesn't get paid into, I have sole access to the business banking and make any transfers he needs to his personal account to pay his own bills/fuel etc.

He does not have a pension whereas I work for a Local Authority and will get a fairly decent Government pension...

I've considered getting a second job to try and boost my income. I've been looking through what is out there such as NHS 111 call centre type jobs (6pm-9:30pm Mon-Fri) that will fit around my 9-5.

It's such a crap feeling, I don't want to loose my home and I wish there was a way I could convince him to allow me to stay.

Unfortunately if you work full time, from what I have seen there is less chance of staying in the house unless you can buy your current spouse out. Your current spouse may also refuse to move out unfortunately, but you may be able to convince him to move out.

If you decide to proceed with divorce you will need legal advice. It is expensive but you have to see it as an investment and find the money. Most stage bills, so you don't pay it all up front.

Unfortunately all assets are considered in a marital pot (that includes pensions), so your ex could potentially get some share of your pension. However, does your ex have a company that is not part of a family business? You may be able to ask for some share of that or value from that (to counter the pension disparity issue), particularly if you have contributed towards it. You need good proper legal advice, you won't know the best way forward and where you stand otherwise. A solicitor may also be able to help with getting some agreement re child maintenance if your ex is the type to try to wriggle out of this with self employment. Good legal advice should pay dividends long term.

Sorry it is really tough, I know, when you look at your home that you have worked so hard on, and realise that you may not be able to hold on to it. It is hard and a horrible feeling. Still, you will come through this and things can take ages with divorce, so you will have plenty of time to adjust, so don't worry re the house too much. Divorce can take years so you don't need to make big decisions too quickly.

Could your parents help with the cost of legal advice? It truly is a must, especially with the kind of DH you have, who is determined to give you as little as possible and to confuse you. The legal advice will pay for itself, compared to not getting any.

Also, the union may have knowledge of low cost resources for you to tap into - I would explain that you want to get a divorce but lack the financial resources to get proper advice and what are the options?

Avoid further asset discussions with your DH until you have received the legal advice.

Also, your children will have a say in where they want to live under the legal system because of their ages. It’s not something your DH can just decide.

We sold the house but even though I lost the family home, I was able to buy my own place based on my income. So it worked out. My ex tried to put the fear into me and told our kids they would live in poverty. I glad glad I held my nerve and saw it through.

Thank you, this is really helpful. I think you are right, I know where I stand now given the discussion I had with him today. Talking any further on the issue is just going to complicate things further. I'll speak to my Union next week to get some advice on other support systems available.

My parents both still work and pay their own mortgage and other living expenses so I don't think they would be in a position financially to help me but DH parents are certainly in a position to help him if needed.

I'm so glad to hear things worked out for you. As I've been told, these things can take time so I'm not going to jump into motion straight away. I've decided I'll definitely be getting a second job to top up my income to try and have at least a bit of money put aside for emergencies or maybe legal help if needed. Things might get tough and i need to be prepared for that.

He will be here in the morning to do some more work on the house so I'll have the pleasure of spending time under the same roof as him for a few hours tomorrow. I'll keep calm, collected and won't bring it up again.

This really is going to be a rollercoaster - although I feel I've been riding one for years!

Sure if you can buy him out since when has it been legal for you just to keep half a house?

I didn't mean to keep half the house without buying him out, I think I may have not been clear. I wanted to know if it could be an option, that if he agreed to, could I discuss the option of keeping the home and the mortgage with him and offering to pay half - he currently pays all of it, even once a divorce goes through. He earns a good wage and I'm sure he could save money in no time to purchase a property big enough for himself and keep the joint mortgage with me. There is not a huge amount left on the property in comparison to what it would seek for. When it come to our youngest turning 18 we could sell. Basically I just wanted to know if this could be written up in a financial agreement with him IF he was in agreement with it that is. Or would the Court just say sell and split. I'm new to all of this and have no idea. Where to start. I'm just trying to look at options that's all.

He has lived with his Mum rent free for most of the last 3 years, his parents have plenty of room for him and are happy to have him there. If he was happy to agree this, I wanted to know if it could be a possibility or would a Court say no.

Please don’t discuss anything else with him until you have had legal advice. Yes it will cost you for a solicitor but you really must get good advice in order to know how to proceed.

He may try and come up with a ‘deal’ for you both but just ignore and don’t get into any conversation with him.

Also as well meaning as friends and family can be they may give incorrect advice so it’s vital to get a solicitor involved asap.

as others have said unless you can both house yourselves without selling the family home and you can borrow enough on your own for the mortgage if you have one, and make repayments yourself, it is most likely the house will be sold and assets divided. How they are divided is the key and why you need good legal advice.

Without knowing the assets and incomes it’s not possible for people to advise what a split might look like

however, in general terms what you want, to stay in house with him paying half while living at his parents, would not be awarded by a court and would only happen if he agreed ( and he’d be a fool to ))

understanding your overall assets, equity, savings, pensions as well
as both your incomes will be key to working on an appropriate split but the starting point and aim will be 50:50. If needs can be met with this it’s likely to be awarded - if not then a court could deviate in both directions depending on multiple factors. The ages of your children along with your ft work and age, means less likely to deviate highly in your favour.

He’s not going to have to continue paying anything at all towards the mortgage for a house he isn’t living in once divorced, and he won’t stay on the mortgage because if he stays on your joint mortgage then not only does that reduce his lending power for buying his own property but it also means he would have to pay a higher % stamp duty on any new house he buys because it would be classed as a second home for him- so very expensive.

You need to be prepared for the fact that if you are unable to buy him out then you will have to sell the home or let him buy you out so you get your equity x

There's nothing stopping you from asking and he may agree, its not illegal to do so, its just very unlikely a court will award it if he doesn't want rhat. A judge will stil have to sign off on it too, but unless the agreement is very unfair this wouldn't likely be an issue. Given his behaviour though its very unlikely he'll do this because it means putting someone else's needs before his own. I'd be focusing on trying to find an outcome that works for you.and is likely to be awarded by a judge. Of course there might be reasons related to your personal circumstances that change this which is why it's best to seek legal advice. Make sure you have as close to a complete picture of finances as you can get first so you can get accurate idea of your options.

If he agrees then it would probably be signed off into a final order. But the fact he can live with his parents isn't a factor the court will take into account if it has to determine the split (if you don't agree). As he's entitled to have his own place, which he'd have to be able to afford.

@Snorlaxo , that's not correct about the family home. If op is the primary caregiver and children are still in full time education its more than likely a judge will recommend the children be kept in the family home. When the youngest finishes full time education it may be ordered that the house is sold.

OP I know this is terrifying but for your own sake and that of your children you need to separate yourself from him.

You will receive all sorts of advice here and the trouble is that divorce is complicated and there isn't a neat set of rules.

One thing is certain and that is that if you can't agree a financial settlement you will end up in court. People tend to try to avoid this option but judges have a duty to prioritise the children's welfare above all else and given the age of your DC and the fact that you are the primary caregiver will work in your favour.

Get some legal advice. You can begin the divorce process without permission from H if required. Avoid projected arguments via solicitors (unless you feel you are making progress) and go via courts.

Gather financial info now as although there are systems in place to establish the truth wrt finances, these systems are complicated and expensive.

You will be ok. You may have to downsize, or be less well off but believe me it's a very worthwhile step to take. Happiness and freedom are priceless.

This is incorrect. It is very very rare than this ever happens now.

@NewBeginnings2025 I am sorry you are going through this.

I am going to make a different point - you are only 35 and your youngest is 12. You are at a key point in life where your DC are becoming more and more independent and you can focus on building your career.

A second job will give you extra £, but think long term, what do you want to do for the next 20-30 years? You work for a LA, usually there are opportunities to progress, receive training and to make a move to other public sector organisations as you will have transferable skills.

I know this may seem a lot on top of contemplating a divorce but if you are doing the invoicing and accounts for his business have you got finance or book keeping qualifications?

I really love this idea. I do have a lot more extra time on my hands now days since my youngest is 12 and eldest has just started college.

I have been thinking of progressing my career, I currently work for Adult Social Services and opportunities do arise to apply for CCW (unqualified social worker) and then you'll have the opportunity to apply for a Social Work Degree which I would love to do. A few come up previously but I didn't feel like I was ready then. If the opportunity does come up again in the near future, I would absolutely go for it.

I don't have any qualifications in accounting or book keeping. It's just something I've always done for DH as he is a great builder and excellent with numbers but he is dyslexic so struggles with the admin (reading/writing) side of things.

I'd definitely love to further my career and get a better paid job, I would be willing to do training and put the time and effort into it. Even if it meant changing career paths etc. I've even thought about applying for college/uni to make a complete career change. I agree, I'm only 35, I wouldn't write myself off and would love to be more successful but need to look into my options and what's available etc.

I've even been looking into a small business venture! I would love to run my own business but again, I'd need to choose what type of business and do some research etc.

Something will be on the cards I'm sure. Thank you

Yes, but if you have enough equity to rent then you won't be homeless. The court is going to first see if it can sever all ties between the couple. One person staying in the house after divorce and tying up the others' equity (and potentially mortgage capacity) is a last resort and not commonly used nowadays.

Do you work full time?

The comment about part timers is nor true. People who could work full time but carry on working part time could lack credibility in front of a judge (who might think they are deliberately under-earning). Depends on the judge I'm afraid but with the youngest being 12 I think it's more likely a bad idea to not go full time.

I work in family law. This post is not correct. Mesher Orders only tend to happen by consent or for a very short period nowadays, not least because an unhappy party can normally make life very uncomfortable for someone who benefits from such an order (e.g. by taking a career break and not paying any child maintenance to make the house unaffordable).

@ShinyShona yes there would be enough equity to be able to rent however I really want to avoid this if possible. I'd love to be able to hopefully purchase my own home. I know this isn't always an option and divorce causes significant financial complications in a lot a cases. It just really upsets me, I love my home and so do my kids, we are close to their schools and my family. I'd hate to have to uproot them and isolate us from family. I know if push came to shove we would have to sell now but it would break my heart further for my kids.

I do work full time but do not earn enough to be able to get a mortgage big enough for a property where we currently live. I've been looking into getting a second job to bump my income which did help on the mortgage calculator but still do not think I could buy within 8-10 miles of where I live now as I am based in London and house prices are astronomical! If we did move this far, I'd have the change the kids schools.

Based on what you've just told me, you can afford to buy a house only 10 miles away without a Mesher Order. A judge will prefer this to a Mesher Order so it is unlikely you will get one unless he agrees.

The reasons you have given are wants that will have no legal standing. To get a Mesher Order without consent there would have to be literally no other option to house you.

Comments are based on my experience. I thought too that part timers were expected to maximise their income, but in my ex partner's court case, the judge was very lax about this and seemed to have no such expectations re full time work and there were no penalties for the mother not finding full time work over a 3 year period. Youngest child was 8 in their case. Seems very dependent on the judge and maybe how they feel that morning...Judge also recommended a mesher which is not usual at all....

I agree though much better to stand on your own two feet where able to, and work full time if you can, and sounds like this is the OPs preference in any case.

Sounds like a crap judge to be honest. How long ago was this?