Some background: I've been with DH since 15 years old, we had our first child at 18, and 3 children by the age of 22. We married in 2017 and purchased our first home in 2019. DH has not always been the best in terms of a wandering eye and there have been moments of dishonesty throughout our relationship on his part.
Around 3 years ago, the wandering eye arguments came to a head. He couldn't understand how it made me feel when I was out with him and he would literally break his neck to check other women out - I do get MOST if not ALL men and women can look and appreciate beauty but not to the extent where it disrespects your OH. I totally felt disrespected and it knocked my self-esteem massively. He would also make highly inappropriate comments to other women when in their company, and mine, whether it was in the gym or at a friends house. He would spend 3-4 hours, 6-7 days a week in the gym and friendships he made with mostly females which he kept secret from me. When I asked about why he was so long, he would always tell me I'm controlling and time him, or tell him he can't look at other women when we are out. He began distancing himself from me. Truth was, I felt really lonely and unwanted.
Eventually 3 years ago, we had yet another dispute and he told me he was going to move into his Mums house 2 minutes around the corner. He said he wanted to meet other people and have "fun". After around 1 year of odd date nights and limited contact but still being intimate without sleeping in the same bed at all, I found out he was having an emotional affair. She called him when in my presence and I made him answer, I recognised the name on his phone to someone he had on his Instagram, he brushed her off previously as "just someone he knew from the gym". Long story short, he denied everything but I found proof, I found all the deleted messages, flirting and exchange of personal numbers. I told him I was leaving him and he asked to talk and to come home to work things through. I agreed.
DH was home a year before yet more messages where found where he was PM'ing women from the gym again calling them "baby girl" and offering to meet them to show them how to work the machines etc. I was so angry, I told him to go and he did without a fight. That was 15 months ago and he is still "gone". We also tried marriage counselling for 7 months without success - his idea - but felt our Counsellor was always "teaming" with me and "against" him. He was never willing to work at her recommendation and felt it was a chore to attend. It stopped in June 2024, again his decision.
I recently stopped being intimate with him around 2-3 months ago after I found out he was regularly meeting up with the women he had an emotional affair with. They were meeting 2-4 times per week and a further away branch of the gym we attend (all 3 of us attend the same gym!). He denied again anything was going on. Since then I saw him coming out of a class with her, walking through the gym with my 15 year old DS in tow, tagging along behind them.
I've been through an absolute whirlwind of emotions, hurt, sleepless nights, anger, gut wrenching feelings, feeling lost and so much more. I was completely and utterly in love with him and besotted to the point I allowed myself to be so disrespected that I completely lost sight of myself. I think it's time I brought all of this to an end and tell him I want a divorce.
I'm petrified, I wouldn't even know where to begin...
He earns probably 4-5X more than I do. Neither of us have any savings, we are in the middle of an extension that we have put everything into - he is a builder and doing most of the work. He pays the mortgage, food shopping and half the other household bills. I pay the other half of the household bills.
I know I can stay in our home (joint mortgage) until our youngest turns 18 but I'm so scared that he will use money as a form of power so I've considered getting a second job which I'm in the process of searching for.
Divorced or experienced ladies, where do I begin? I need some useful advice and suppose I just want reassurance and some happy endings... I'm 35 years old and have not been alone since 15 years old when I met him... I'm finding this so difficult to deal with. I've learned to get to sleep without him since he has been gone over 2 years of the last 3. I think divorce is the best next step. My parents agree a divorce is probably the right thing given they have been the ones pulling me out of dark places but have said not to rush into anything. How do I even approach the subject of divorce with him. The last conversation we had about separation, he threatened to sell the house which I know he can't but I'm mentally preparing myself for verbal abuse and malice from him... he has also told me if I began dating anyone else, I would never see him again and would not get a penny from him which is obviously a massive issue as we have 3 children (16, 15 and 12) and a roof/bills to pay.
Sorry for the long post, I just really need to reach out to someone who has been through all or any of this. Thank you so much in advance.