Life after separation and divorce

[BBBusterkeys]

I think that time is probably up on my marriage. We’ve been together for 20 years, married 15. We have two DS’s 12 and 13.

I think we have reached a point where we are just not making each other happier anymore, and will be happier apart.

what was life like for you after you separated or divorced? Especially if it wasn’t a terrible relationship but was just no longer made you feel good.

@NC10125 can I ask what aspect of EOW the kids still find tricky? They want to see more of him? Did your ex go for 5050 or was he always happy with EOW?

I relate to what you say about finances. And even I'm not better off every month - the decisions being mine to make only sounds v appealing.

He only has them every other weekend - Saturday morning to Monday morning (his choice)

They miss him when they don’t see him - 12 days feels like quite a long time to not see a parent and he’s not great at taking the initiative to be in touch in between.

He has them for four weeks a year as holidays and they don’t like going for a week - they miss their friends, their clubs, their pet.

They find the transition back and forth tricky - in particular transition back into school on a Monday morning after a daddy weekend is hard for my youngest who has some additional needs.

But although they find those things tricky I think that overall this is probably the better way to raise them. For example, I don’t think that youngest child’s additional needs would be as well supported at home if we still lived together. So, it’s a balance really.

I split from my partner 4 years ago .Financially it’s been hard and I had to take a second job but we are so much happier. DS is adult now and his confidence has grown now he is away from his dad’s constant criticism. I love being able to do what I want when I want and not always having to pay for him and cajole him to do anything. I don’t miss walking on eggshells at home. No desire for another relationship. Love the freedom.

4 years post split, life went on basically exactly the same, but with significantly less washing and tidying up, and with me having absolutely no chance of a proper break (he has them about 20 days a year - and has had them for 3 nights in the past 4 years - but then he was pretty lazy about spending time with them before that anyway)

I'm not looking for a partner (or any other kind of male companionship), I'm basically treading water until the kids are old enough to give me a chance for a bit more freedom (it's already a lot better than it was - they're old enough to be left for a few hours in the day). Day to day life is busy, but we have fun, and it's great not having to clear any ideas/plans with anyone else.

@NC10125 I'm in similar position with young one with additional needs. My worry is that ex will go for 5050 and my youngest would hate that. He is physically attached to me at home and only seeks me out. With your set up - the children have a consistent home and a routine though I can see that the challenge is not seeing their dad for fairly long periods

It's all a balance I guess. Of course the best option is all living together in a home of love and support, but if that's not possible - what are the alternatives.

I have spent so long thinking I can grin and bear it rather than disrupt the kids but I can't.

It’s pretty rare for dads to go for 50/50, and doubly so when a child has SEN needs so I wouldn’t worry about that too much unless he is currently very good at taking sole responsibility. We know a lot of SEN families and I only know one seperated family where dad is doing any sort of reasonable share of the workload.

If you’re worried about it can you trial leaving him on his own with the kids every other weekend for a bit to see how it goes? Kind of like a soft start whilst you’re discussing things?

IME the only dads who actually go for 50-50 are those who are doing 50% during the marriage. If not, it’s primarily a bluff/negotiation tactic.

OP, what worked for me was drawing up a list of our joint assets and actually working out what the financial side of life would look like- once I could see that it was practically doable for both me and each, it all seemed much easier and I was able to present him with a picture of how it could work and take the lead in presenting my preferred vision. Key is that you both need decent homes with room for the kids as some of the complications you hear about (kids with no real bedroom at the other parents’ home etc) make everything harder and more stressful. And being able to paint a positive picture for your kids makes all that much easier. Obviously this comes with costs so getting your head round the finances was step 1 for me.

Divorce is what you make of it
I was supposed to have the kids all week but every other weekend they went to my ex
I now have them 7 days a week 365 days a year
I can't date as it's not practical,
I'm a lot financially poorer
But my god it's a lot nicer
You can take charge of your life and do what you want to do,
Lots of things are so much easier now

In the back of my mind, I think this could be me. I needed to read this as I feel like it could be moving out of one set of traps into another. I have very little support in real life and would likely have to pay for any childcare help which I don't think I will be able to afford easily. Dc are gradually getting older, eldest can be left for a couple of hours now but younger dc can't and it's going to be a few more years until they can. Then again, eldest dc will be moving closer to being able to keep an eye on younger dc for a while. My mental health has taken such a hit, I don't feel I can carry on like this. Another 12 months to settle something financially and then I want to make my move to get out. I don't want to wish time away where dc are concerned but it would be an awful lot easier if they were just that bit older.

Today, a friend told me about a couple (similar age to me) who had just moved in together after dating for 3 or so years. I feel very jealous and bitter. Maybe because I think this is something I should have or had and am losing. Can anyone relate? I think I might be nervous about living on my own with dc. I did live alone for a couple of years before I got married - but I was on my own (no dc) and it was for a relatively short period of time. Can't shake the feeling of envy. Also the fact that said couple had no ties (grown up dc) so could easily make the move. It's not going to happen for me is it. How can it when I have daughters in particular. A man in potentially teenage girl space. It isn't going to work is it.

No Thursday, it isn't going to work. Peace, harmony and autonomy are to be cherished. Don't make the mistake of looking at others with envy. Be happy for them and focus on making the best of what you've got and can achieve.

Agree that dating is difficult for women post 40 ( and even younger) but the primary issue is deciding to split and making your life happy again.

A good supportive friendship and social circle is worth a lot and even when you might wish to date or simply have more adult company I have seen how on occasions it can facilitate a new relationship (basically friends bringing along a single make without saying anything and "just seeing". Has worked in a couple of occasions in our friendship group !!

I seperated from exH in September 23 and got a divorce in May this year. He was horrified how quickly I was able to get it done but he'd been horrible to me for 20 years and I wanted out. I am still trying to sell our joint property and find somewhere to live though. I'm still a bit under his clutches because even though he moved out he still pays a couple of the bills so I don't feel free yet. We have an 18 yo who spends weekdays with me and she makes arrangements with her dad to see him at weekends.

Although not completely free of him I do feel calmer and not so anxious all the time. He tries to be friendly but I'm not interested because he was so nasty to me when we were married. I don't need to speak to him 90% of my time and that's an improvement in my book.

Reading with interest as I’m about three months post-split, and one month since DH moved out. This was my thread if it’s helpful.

Christmas has been a bit strained as I’ve not had my wee shadow with me, but he’s actually spending more time with his dad now so I’m trying to see that as a positive for him. Watching with interest the comments about dating as I’d like some fun and company but it’s all a bit daunting!

Thanks for sharing @TryOnATeaCosy . I hope things are going well for you now, and you are enjoying your newfound freedom and have peace in your life.

I'm 6 years post divorce and have mixed feelings TBH. I had been married 20 years.

My ex was emotionally manipulative and coercive. His behaviour escalated towards the end of our marriage and I couldn't live with him anymore. Virtually everything he has done post divorce has proven to me I made the right decision - he's an arse.

On the positive side - I bought a wreck of a house and I renovated it completely and now own a lovely home that I'm (just about) to afford with no financial help from anyone. I got a promotion at work just after divorce and am now in a position at work I really enjoy. I think being single gives you more confidence. I met my BF a few years ago on-line and now have a great relationship with a wonderful man - we don't live together but plan to in the future.

On the negative side - at the point of divorce we agreed to 50/50 (at his insistence) I should never have agreed to it as it doesn't suit the children. (they were 11/13 at the time) They never really settled into that routine and then during Covid they decided they wanted to live more of the time at their Dads. By that time they were old enough to make their own decision so I really couldn't fight it. Now they are Adult (or nearly adult) and I don't see much of them as their social lives revolve really around their Dad's house.

Ex met someone else you h enough to be my daughter. It’s been and still is horrific. .
The divorce and financial order are done, family
home is up for sale with me and DC living in it. I can barely afford the bills and he only has DC when I work.
I’m lonely and at my age (mid 50’s) with no opportunity to meet anyone else, I see a rather sad future.
Financially he’s also won so I’ll be working until my state pension age.

Mentally it’s floored me. Physically it’s drained me. Financially it’s crippled me.
I was still happy and in love with him. We had a happy marriage but he admits he had his head turned and fell in love with her.
I know lots of women in their mid 50’s who are single.
I didn’t and don’t want to be alone but I don’t have the opportunity to meet anyone and don’t fancy OLD as men my age want younger women and I don’t want anyone in their 60’s 🫣
It’s all a bit shit to be honest.

@CowGirl19 , I’m glad there have been some real positives for
you. I am sorry that it has meant you are not as close with your DC as you would like, that sounds incredibly tough.

@Frazzled54 , I’m so sorry that this has happened to you. Wishing you lots of strength to get through this tough time. I really hope that in the years to come you can build a life that brings you peace and joy.

50yo guy - life in some ways is sooooo much better but in other ways sooooo much worse:

The Good:
I prioritised myself - did what I wanted to do
Did not have to put up with crazy mood swings and double standards

The house is mine and I can do what I like in it (as in its much tidier than before and I have lots of wardrobe space)
More travel
Met someone I realised I love and care for so much more than I did my wife

The Bad:
Kids 50/50, DD especially has suffered due to breakup quite badly
Friends - ex told people lies about us and quite a few believed her, so lost a number of them
Money - 1 income is worse
Financial impact on kids - running 2 houses means they will be worse off when it comes to driving lessons, weddings, inheritance etc...

We were both unhappy - both checked out. I wanted to make it work as I knew the Bad would happen, in all honesty it would probably have just delayed things but you never know. Had we tried and failed I think I would have felt a lot better about it