Life after separation and divorce

[BBBusterkeys]

I think that time is probably up on my marriage. We’ve been together for 20 years, married 15. We have two DS’s 12 and 13.

I think we have reached a point where we are just not making each other happier anymore, and will be happier apart.

what was life like for you after you separated or divorced? Especially if it wasn’t a terrible relationship but was just no longer made you feel good.

Divorce was unwanted by me
Financially I am ok.
Kids and me are peaceful but I'm very very lonely.
Dating (for women) is utterly shit and pointless especially past 40.

Thank you @Autumnblackberries. I’m sorry it was unwanted by you. I hope you are feeling ok now and I’m glad you and your children are peaceful.

i honestly have no interest in dating. My sister has been divorced for 8 years or more and has only gone on one date in that time. I’m guessing it will be a similar course for me. When I picture my future, I don’t see a partner in it.

I am in the same boat @BBBusterkeys finally accepted 2025 is the year to separate. I guess life post split will depend on how the split goes. Honestly I think if you can have a mature divorce that puts DC first that is always preferable to split than staying together for DC. But I worry that H will be revengeful and bitter and so the split feels terrifying. But once the dust settles - I'm v excited. I hope to take some solo trips. Read a lot more. Do up the house. And never ever live with a male partner ever again. I'm late 30s and can honestly say the thought of being single sounds so liberating. It's going to be so painful but my vision of the future is one of freedom.

I have my own home. It's not easy financially but l do OK.

I am not lonely. Just because you aren't in a traditional relationship, doesn't mean you won't have love. My female friends and work colleagues have held me up and kept me going when l didn't want to get out of bed. And it was my choice to end it. I am surrounded by love.

There are odd things that pop up that catch me out, emotionally, but they are becoming fewer. I'm happier now, in every way. Prime of my life, and it can only get better, on the whole.

I've had a couple of dates. Just have fun, without expecting it to go anywhere, and you'll be fine.

I'm 6 months post split, still got loads to sort out but know it's the right decision.

Christmas was weird, DC are 17 and 15 so they are dealing with it in their own way, but not as difficult to navigate for me and STBXH with regards to custody.

I also don't see myself with anyone else when I look forwards, the excitement is all about the freedom for me ... a chance to rediscover who I lost when I was half of a couple.

Good luck to anyone feeling that this is the time.
Don't keep putting it off, there's never a right time but the sooner you do it, the sooner you will get to the end.

I'm working up to it. Similar situation. It's toxic. Thought I could keep going (primarily for dcs sake) but I'm feeling like I can't do this anymore. I feel like I'm hiding away in my own home or treading on egg shells. Silent treatment and not being remotely amicable (him). It has sped everything up. I need to sort something this year that will make my move far more easier. Looks like it won't be immediate but I'm building up to it now. Watching this thread with interest.

I’m not divorced but I split with my ex boyfriend 4 years ago (my choice) and I can honestly say, for me, life is infinitely better. I have my DD, my own home & I’m very happy & settled. I do lots, have great friends & I’ve never regretted the decision. Peace & happiness shouldn’t be underestimated!

@Disagreeable , your vision of the future sounds similar to mine. I wish you all the best for an amicable split. I agree that it’s not better to stay in an unhappy relationship for the children.

we almost split up 6 months ago but agreed to try again. It was good for a while but now I just feel that we are one small fight away from splitting up. I don’t want to walk on eggshells and feel that I can’t disagree with anything he says or does for fear of causing that last fight. We might as well just call it and move on with our lives.

@LadyTiredWinterBottom2 , thank you for your honesty. I know there will be tough times ahead for all of us, especially in the first 6 months.

Enjoy the prime of your life!

@AAudreyHorne , this is it “the sooner you do it, the sooner you will get to the end”.

i love that your excitement about the future is excitement for freedom. You’ve made it through the first 6 months, so hopefully the worst is behind you.

@thursdayadams56 , the silent treatment is so toxic and damaging. I’m currently getting the silent treatment as we all went swimming at the beach yesterday (Australia so summer here) and 3 out of 4 of us didn’t want to stop at the grocery store on our way home as we were uncomfortable with sand and sea water. There’s a grocery store 1 minute drive or 5 minutes walk from where we are staying. And because we disagreed with him and didn’t do what he wants, he’s still throwing a strop 24 hours later. Its ridiculous. I hope he realises this is what he has chosen to throw away our marriage over. I’ll wait until we are home from holidays, not point making it worse now. I’ve been acting normal pretending that I don’t care and making him talk to me or he looks like the bad guy (which of course he never thinks he is).

silent treatment, walking on eggshells in your own home. It is not acceptable. I wish you all the strength to get out of this toxic environment and have the peace and freedom to enjoy your life.

@StarDolphins , this is a wonderful update. Thank you for sharing how much better your life is on your own terms.

I’m in the middle of this too. I’ll be applying for conditional order in January, so the end is in sight I suppose. But Christmas was weird, and not nice. Here’s to all of us, happy 2025 to us.

I feel like I've got an end in sight point now even though it won't be immediate. I've reached a point where I can't go on like this (like I thought I could for a few more years at any rate for the dc). Now I see it is not necessarily the best thing for the dc after all especially his behaviour towards them of late - irritable, lack lustre with doing anything with dc, not doing as much around the home. Being rude to me in front of dc and acting childish (if my dc did this I would pull them up on it). I've even made excuses to dc on his behalf so as not to be disparaging of him. They've picked up on the distance between us. I've realised it's got to stop. I've seen a side to husband I never saw before (married a long time). I'm trying to make sense of it all, I can see why I chose to be with him (toxic upbringing). I've had my part to play for sure. But I've grown up a fair bit, developed my identity whereas he has not changed in the least and denies he has any issues or does anything wrong. He has also tried to manipulate me via cutting off finances or trying to stop me seeing the dc (threats to this effect) if we were to split. I've got the facts of the matter now (via solicitor). He can't.

Sorry, de-railed this thread. 'Life after divorce.' It was good to get it all out and down on paper so to speak.

Divorce is what you make of it

I was supposed to have the kids all week but every other weekend they went to my ex

I now have them 7 days a week 365 days a year

I can't date as it's not practical,

I'm a lot financially poorer

But my god it's a lot nicer

You can take charge of your life and do what you want to do,

Lots of things are so much easier now

I'm 3 months post split now and absolutely loving single life. I'm finding it a lot of fun at 55. I love not being accountable to a moody man.

I've lost weight, really got a lot fitter and generally feeling great.

I'm being very exploratory with my sexuality on the quiet. Having a lot of fun flirting and snogging atm. I know I never want to live with a man again but enjoying light dating. Kids are unaware as it's not something I want to foist on them.

I feel strong, independent and like I'm coming into my power somehow. Best wishes ❤️

@thursdayadams56 , not derailing the thread at all. It definitely sounds like leaving will be much better for you and the DC. You are showing them what is not acceptable in a relationship by leaving. I’ve never believed in staying for the kids, that can be far more harmful than helpful.

Best of luck, you can do this!

@PeachyKeane , this is an awesome update. I’m glad to hear that only 3 months in life is so much better for you.

@Donotpanicoknowpanic , firstly I love your username! Even though there are challenges, it great to hear that lots of things are easier for you now.

yes, the having the children 355 days a year happened to my sister (he would have them maybe 10 days a year). Her ex-DH (d-head not darling husband) set up his life in a way that he could not possibly co-parent the kids as he intentionally lived to far away. Unfortunately this was enabled by my parents and has caused a huge strain in my sisters relationship with them. Despite this, she is also much happier single. Her oldest child has just flown the nest for a job in another state at 18 so she only has one child left at home for now.

@StellaOlivetti , I’m glad to hear the end is in sight for you. Wishing you a wonderful 2025!

I’m 5 years post split and a lot happier than when we were together.

The kids still find aspects of having an every-other-weekend dad tricky, but he is actually a better parent on his weekends than he ever would have been if we had stayed together. We manage to navigate days together for things like Christmas, birthdays etc.

Financially I am a lot better off than I thought that I would be. I don’t think that I’d appreciated how much crap ex bought, or how much of a difference our different approaches made to joint finances. It was tricky initially because I was paying a lot of childcare before youngest started school but now all good.

Life wise our house is calmer and I’m less stressed not trying to manage his emotions. I’m able to parent in a way which feels right to me. I focus on my work, my life, my friends, the kids.

Dating isn’t great - it’s very hard to find someone at this age who ticks the boxes you need- in general men seem to be single for a good reason. But, I don’t feel the impetus I had before kids to find something serious and I’m enjoying more casual relationships where it doesn’t matter so much if someone is perfect for me or just fun.

I was with my ex for 20 years. I left him 2 years ago. He was abusive. It's been horrendous. I miss him deeply but I also know that I can never go near him again. There's zero contact between us. I will never date again. There's a guy I could have something with and he's absolutely lovely but I don't want another man near me. It makes me shudder at the thought. I'm incredibly lonely and lost but I'm also very lucky to have my own home, animals and a peaceful existence.

Split in 2023. Awful marriage. He was adulterous. Violent. Squandered all our money from a mortgage free house sale on what I still don't know.

So we are now poor, the dcs and I. Living in rented. Really anxious about money and the future. We are happier though and at peace because there are no hysterics and screaming fits from that man.

Exh is currently enduring his second mental breakdown apparently. I don't care because he's a nasty bully who pulls the DARVO shit like this whenever things don't go his way.

Dating is the last thing on my mind and I really don't have any faith in men as decent human beings anymore anyway.

I’m 4 years post split and 2 years post divorce.

The DCs have flown the nest, but when they come home, the house is calm and happy.

I have a man in my life that I see a couple of times a week. S*x is great and he is the polar opposite of my narcissistic-ego inflated-money obsessed EXH.

We communicate, we share the same SOH and have laughed ourselves off the sofa on many occasions. That’s the kind of person I need in my life.