I want to separate, what are my options?

[idontknowwhattodo1990]

Married with 1 DS aged 8.

I want to separate.

He has anxiety and depression "treatment resistant" and is prone to mood swings and can't take it anymore. Medication, therapy, nothing works!

DS loves him to bits. He is a good provider, doesn't really spend a lot on himself in terms of clothes, car, etc.

But I can't live with this.

He wants to stay together but I've had enough and feel like I've given him enough chances.

Situation is:

I have a pension, he doesn't
I work PT and don't earn much
I thought he was a reasonably high earner but is self employed and looking at his accounts earns about 40k (he honest to a fault so I don't doubt this, just think we don't actually spend that much)
We have no savings, he has a few grand of credit card debt and personal loan that he's on top of
Joint mortgage but he pays for pretty much everything other then food shop inc. mortgage, all home improvements, insurance, car, holidays

He has said he doesn't think I can take the mortgage on and that he will look into buying me out. I think he's right as I get only been in this job a few months.

He is happy to have 50/50 as he can work pretty much any hours he wants. I'd rather have DS more though.

What is my position? I imagine he will get a solicitor out of necessity. I don't have one yet. I just want an idea of my position? My take home is only about 1k net and he has the advantage of earning more and being able to keep the family home.

Will he get more of the house as he's paid it all? Can he get half my pension? He's honest (could save thousands a year in his line is work but declare every penny) so I don't think he'll screw me over but at the same time I know he wants to make a go of it and will take half of her thinks that's what the law says.

I'd be looking to find full time work. You'll then have options and be working towards your own financial security.

What would you like your situation to be? after the divorce?

Start from there, ie, what do you need in order to move ahead

I think I would need UC? How do I work out my entitlement? DH had been really strict with the mortgage and generally good with money.

To rent the same sized house in the same village would be £1.2k per month! Mortgage now even with interest is £800.

Will that count against me?

I mainly need enough to cover somewhere to rent. Even with equity from the house, it's not sustainable long term.

I can slowly earn more but it will take years. Will I be expected to work full time? I can try but it then means DH can do more school runs.

Don't think of it as 'expected' because that leads to resentment. He has no power to say you need to work more, but equally these decisions are on you and you need to work out how you want the finances to work.

Chances are, with him on a 40k salary and you working FT (which you will need to do to fulfil your responsibilities to you and your DS) and 50/50, you won't get much in the way of CMS. You'll likely need to spend the equity on rent until you run out - you won't qualify long term for UC with more than £16k in the bank (though there are shorter term clauses if you're able to buy somewhere). UC will not pay towards a mortgage though.

Any equity you get will just be swallowed up in rent. You can only have about £6k in savings on UC I think (not entirely sure).

The very first thing i would do is go and see a mortgage broker in the new year to see how much you can borrow. Once you know that, you'll have a better picture of what the future holds.

Thanks.

House is of worth about £240k, mortgage is currently about £90k.

Does the fact he's paid it count in his favour?

I will get advice.

The fact he’s laid the house won’t mean he has a stronger case to keep higher sgare. It’s considered a joint marital asset to be split

hiw that is determined will likely be a needs case - you both need housing suitable for yourself and child, who can get what mortgage, you’ll be assessed on your full
time earning capacity - and the value of your pension in the pot for splitting too.

if you can’t work ft ( and most divorced mums manage it) you’ll be having to live on pt wage/uc/cms as you’re unlikely to get higher share of assets/spousal to support you remaining pt.

I’m going to assume that a house or property in your local area costs about 200-250k.

The marital assets are 150k equity and whatever your pension is. Let’s assume the pension is simply shared, otherwise to protect it you would need to give some equity.

Realistically you are going to achieve 75- 100k in equity. The best option is yo use that to buy something rather than rent. If you need to rent you will not be eligible for UC with that size of capital or savings. You have 6 months grace to invest it in property. Then it is taken into account as part of means testing. Basically you will have to live off that money. Which you could for about 4-5 years.

Whether you start working more or start claiming benefits and UC you need to improve your income. A good parenting plan where you both consider how best to maximise income and parent is essential. This is achievable with two people who are willing to compromise and be flexible. But you might have to start looking into wrap around care options with the school and child minders.

IMO Reliance on benefits and exs isn’t a long term solution. It is tied to the age of your child and starts to taper off as you get older. If it is going to take time to restore your earning power, start now.

You also have a self employed ex. He is going to be financially squeezed as well. Whether he is honest or not he can “hide” income. Generally this is for tax purposes but that is what child support is based on.

When it comes to splitting finances his take home income (after tax and deductions-expect pension contributions to appear) compared to your £1k and benefits will look not very different.

Why would you consider UC before thinking of earning more yourself when you want to live in an expensive area and will have the option of 50/50 childcare?

Honestly - don't get a solicitor yet, you already are doing the right thing by discussing as sensible adults, the more amicable you can keep it the better for your child, the cheaper it is to divorce and longer term you can have a good ongoing platonic relationship with him.

From what you describe it seems sensible that your first move is to go full time at work, i would also suggest getting your house roughly valued to see what sort of equity you have, you can trade pension and equity off. As for custody, accept it's likely to be 50/50, time will tell if it settles to a different arrangement and use it to your advantage to work and to restart your own life as a single woman.

You file for the legal divorce online, you do not need a solicitor, there's a set court filing fee that's all. Solicitors will charge you an additional fee, just no need.

If you can work out a fair split of assets on your own (or using a mediator if you can't agree between yourselves), you can then file your financial agreement jointly using a single solicitor which will cost about £1000. If you cannot agree it will be many multiples of this! The only people that win are solicitors when couples fight. At that level of income and assets it's likely to be a straight 50/50 split taking into account everything if it went to court so agreeing between you really is the best idea, you won't get more.

Thanks for all the input, very much appreciated. Regarding this from @LemonTT

“I’m going to assume that a house or property in your local area costs about 200-250k. . . . Realistically you are going to achieve 75- 100k in equity.”

How is the split dertermined? Why would I get more than him? If he buys me out will it not be:

Half of house value - (cost in estate agents fees / 2) - (my pension / 2) - mortgage

(my pension currently valued at around £25k)

i.e. half of 250k - 2.5k - £12.5k - £85k = £75k

Assuming an even split. Does the fact he's paid for all mortgage payments and home improvements that ultimately make the housr go up in value count for nothing? He has paid about £15k in home improvements over the last few years and I've paid nothing other than the odd tiny thing here and there.

I will need to look at more hours but not sure it's an option in my current place of work.

Also, if he decides to use a solicitor and get as much as he can, how long will all this take?

But if you're married all assets are joint. You could argue you facilitated his ability to earn more (and therefore contribute more to mortgage/house improvements) by working pt and taking on more of the childcare and domestic chores.

Have you considered nesting for a few years? A few posters have mentioned it recently as a workable option for couples who can afford to buy or rent separate houses.

Thanks.

He has always worked FT but does half the school runs. He is up at 5AM so he can finish at 2PM to facilitate my working (9–5, 3 days but does afternoon school run when I'm not working). As I said, good priovder, does washing, buy and cooks all his own meals (to stick to a diet that helps his depression) and only really spends time and money in things for his depression: gym and swimming membership.

i keep the mouse clean though.

How is stuff like this worked out as it seems a "he said, she said" scenario? I guess he can easily paint himself as a good husband and dad — and he is really but I still can't put up with it.

Have heard nesting mentioned but, although he is honest and has been amicable (say he respected my opnion even though he doesn't agree with it) he is also very principled and says if he leaves it means he is endorsing the separation — and he doesn't want that.

House clean, not mouse clean! Keeping a mouse clean might be easier. :)

This is good advice. I too suggest buying somewhere. Go full time asap and see what mortgage you can get. As a single parent nothing gave me more security than owning somewhere. It may not be the exact area you want/ size you want - compromises will need to be made, but it will belong to you and DC. My mum
used her equity to live on (decades ago) and it is very hard to recover from.

You seem to think that the financial split will be decided based on moral virtue/historical contribution and it won't be. It's brutally simple. Asset pool is £X, starting point is 50:50 for everything, need based on children may sway it one way or the other e.g. if one party will have the children 80% of the time or their pension has been substantially impaired by childcare they may get a bigger cut of pension or equity, but that doesn't seem relevant here. Or sometimes parties negotiate to leave pension alone in exchange for more of the equity, but bluntly the pension in question is pretty small anyway. And if he's an equal parent and wants 50:50 now that's probably how it'll go. So it's probably a straight up split down the middle, possibly very slightly in your favour, but both of you will be expected to work FT, make all reasonable efforts to maximise your income and just crack on with what you have. Nobody in divorce court cares who did what or which one of you is nicer.

I’m probably going to get slammed here by some
but
How would you feel if he turned round to you and said
” I’ve had enough, I can’t leave with you mh issues anymore “ ?
I thought marriage was “ in sickness & in health “
He can’t help being the way he is, as you say it’s
resistant!
Do you think he likes not being able to be happy, waking up everyday with doom & gloom as soon as he opens his eyes ?
The fear of anxiety peaking and not being able to control/understand what it’s doing to him and making him feel, having to go to work everyday and pretend everything inside is good
Thats a massive asks from anyone

Hes had meds that havnt worked for him. I’m presuming he’s also had therapy too
What has his GP or Psych recommended if anything?
Taking MH meds are not an easy thing, you gave all kinds of mental/physical symptoms and some are horrible not being able to switch if to sleep. Extreme tiredness, shaking, loss of appetite
so many to write

Any illness is hard on a family, what if it was Dementia or Mnd or Alzheimer’s , Would you leave then ?
Mh is an illness, they don’t ask to be like this

what if this was you ? Do you think he would say
” I’ve had enough, I can’t take it anymore “

You just seem hell bent on seeking what you can get out of the situation!
Then jealousy that he may be able to buy you out, when couples split you can’t have what your used to somethings have to give especially when 1 hasn’t the income to have it
40k a year is not a lavish lifestyle by any means

Thanks everyone, who decides the 50:50? He can and would have DS all the time but I think he needs his mum more. He is very flexible and they love each other but he does have MH issues. If we went to a mediator and I worked full-tome, would they just try and split things down the middle?

I know this will sound callous but the MH is siginificant. He has tried 2 x SSRI (Zoloft made him sudical and he never really recovered from that), an atypical, EMDR for childhood trauma, talk therapy. He practices mindfulness and exercise and strictly controls his diet (no sugar, etc) but any veering from a strict regiman and his symtpoms affect me. NHS have pretty juch washed their hands of him. He's looked at nasal katamine but it's so expensinve and not readily available where we are (0% chance of that on NHS).

No one wins here, I need to think of DS and myself.

The decision is made jointly, between both of you.

If you can't agree, the court decides.

Thanks, so does a miedator try and second guess what a court will do/say? I'm assuming the government want people to settle outside of court if poss.

How on earth is your mortgage £800 a month on 90k

if you remortgaged that house you could pay about £400 a month - and he could afford to buy a small flat at least

She needs to buy him out, which it doesn't seem she could afford to do, but it does seem that he could potentially afford to buy her out. (The mortgage won't be for 90k, but 90k +half equity.) She can then use her equity plus her increased earnings from working FT to buy or rent a small flat.

Custody looks like it would be 50:50, and he already seems to do half the school runs etc, so it seems likely he'd get 50:50 if it went to court.

The reality is that if OP wants to leave she'll need to accept that she'll be working full time, handing over 50% of her pension and 50% custody, and will have to buy or rent a smaller place that's affordable for her based on her half share of the equity.

He will likely stay in the house with a bigger mortgage, 50% custody, and 50% of OPs pension. He's already got working hours allowing him to cover his 50% of school runs.

Both of them will end up worse off, but it'll be much more disruptive for OP than her ExDH.