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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Want to move to another city, ex doesn’t want to, shared childcare a problem

48 replies

Timeline · 26/12/2024 15:35

I broke up with my ex a few months ago. I’ve been trying to figure out what to do with my life since. We have some assets that we are splitting, the money has not arrived yet but it will.

I will have enough money for the deposit on my own flat. I don’t work near where the current jointly owned flat is and it’s a hassle as I have to book places to stay which is expensive.

He doesn’t work that near either, we were only here because my parents offered to help us with childcare. They now have decided that it’s time to end this arrangement upon their retirement (fair enough, their decision).

I would like to move to a city closer to my work, so that I don’t have to pay for somewhere extra to stay every time I go to work. I want my own space to come back to in the evening. The city I have identified has many lovely museums for my child to go to at the weekend and seems interesting and diverse. It’s also cheaper than the current location and I would be better off financially. It just seems like the decision that would make my life function as a single parent. I could get my son into a local school and I could realistically afford to do 100% of the childcare alongside working, if I paid occasionally (on a regular pattern) for a childminder to pick him up from after school club some days and get him home.

My ex wants to stay where my parents live in our old flat as a stable base for our child. He’s lined up some schools already. We own the flat 50/50 but he wants to buy me out.

I can’t function living here where my parents live, there is nothing to do, it’s expensive and I wouldn’t be able to cope with continuing with this hotel nightmare I’ve been living with to get to my (fantastic, amazing) job in a niche industry which I can’t transfer away from (there’s no jobs in this town anyway).

Can I just buy a flat and tell my ex that my child is coming with me? We were never married. I’m the mother. I’m not sure what to expect from asking this question. I’ve been crying a lot about this. Please be gentle.

OP posts:
Original poster
Timeline · 26/12/2024 15:36

Just to add, the city I want to move to is closer to my ex’s work than my work, I chose it with him in mind.

OP posts:
Fahdidahlia · 26/12/2024 15:37

You could, he could go to court and get an order to stop this.

Best option currently pay for mediation and talk it through, thinking of what is best from the child's perspective and how that can be achieved from both sides so the child has two actively involved parents just as they do now.

Nc546888 · 26/12/2024 15:38

How far away? Around an hour or more?

if you both have equal parental responsibility (both on birth certificate) then he can potentially do a prohibitive steps order to stop you moving far away. He could argue in court that it makes his access to child harder and prevents contact. You would have to get a solicitor to argue your reasons

mitogoshigg · 26/12/2024 15:42

You have chosen to work further away, you have got options, negotiate with him, have some sort of arrangement where you stay at your formerly joint house sometimes or at your parents, he could have majority custody but no you can't unilaterally decide to move with your child

HeyPrestoVinegar · 26/12/2024 15:42

You can't really tell the other parent that his child is going with you, surely you'll be equally parenting with him? You wrote about having your kid 100% of the time, but s/he the right to contact with the father.

No one can really comment on the move, since we don't know how far away from the father it is.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 26/12/2024 15:42

I mean you could just say "Fuck you, I'm leaving" but it would be assholey and put an end to any hope of civilised co-parenting by pushing him to seek 50:50 etc.

Original poster
Timeline · 26/12/2024 15:44

He says that I can “buy a flat wherever I want” and I need somewhere close to my work to sleep in, so I’m not having to stay in hotels. If I buy it, perhaps I will just look after our child at the weekend? I guess I would pay maintenance in that case. Weekend time is more intensive and better for bonding with activities, so, I think this is something many fathers do. Maybe I’ll do what a lot of fathers do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Timeline · 26/12/2024 15:48

How far away? 1 hour driving. By train: 1 hour 21 minutes.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 26/12/2024 15:48

I think you would end up having to try mediation and then court as to where DC goes to nursery and school.

I don't think your ex will let you have every weekend whilst they do all the stressful weekday parenting.

It does sound like the new location would work better for you all though.

HeyPrestoVinegar · 26/12/2024 15:49

I don't think it's fair to only parent at weekends, you should share the midweek drudgery. Quite a turnaround from 100% of the time to only having your kid as a weekend visitor 😵‍💫

Original poster
Timeline · 26/12/2024 15:49

By the way I have had my job longer than he had his job. We only moved here for my parents to help support in the early years.

OP posts:
11GrumpsaGrumping · 26/12/2024 15:51

Don't you want your child to have 50/50? I don't hear a lot of your child's best interest's at heart here?

Original poster
Timeline · 26/12/2024 15:52

He would prefer to do all week and me do weekends. He doesn’t do weekends currently by choice. I was always doing weekends without him when we were together as he always had to “work”. He would pay for a childminder when he can’t get back home in time for pick up from after school club.

OP posts:
Original poster
Timeline · 26/12/2024 15:55

11GrumpsaGrumping · 26/12/2024 15:51

Don't you want your child to have 50/50? I don't hear a lot of your child's best interest's at heart here?

I would like to. I can’t see how I can do that unless my ex moves to the new city which is closer to his work. As if I stay here I can’t afford my life, I wouldn’t be able to stay with my parents. I can’t afford to function. I’d have to quit my very brilliant job and get something very unsuitable that I’m overqualified for, just to stay in this place that I don’t like. I don’t even think my ex likes it here, it’s just familiar. He doesn’t do much here outside of the flat that we jointly own. Can I make him sell the flat?

OP posts:
Reugny · 26/12/2024 15:57

Timeline · 26/12/2024 15:48

How far away? 1 hour driving. By train: 1 hour 21 minutes.

Does he drive?

And does he do most of his day-to-day travel by driving?

How far away is his work?

Reugny · 26/12/2024 15:58

Timeline · 26/12/2024 15:49

By the way I have had my job longer than he had his job. We only moved here for my parents to help support in the early years.

That's irrelevant.

Original poster
Timeline · 26/12/2024 16:01

Reugny · 26/12/2024 15:57

Does he drive?

And does he do most of his day-to-day travel by driving?

How far away is his work?

Show quote history

He does drive. He mostly gets the train to work but he did say he might change that because the trains are often late for getting home.

OP posts:
supersonicginandtonic · 26/12/2024 16:07

Your post is all about what is best for you, bot what ya best for your child.

Okthenguys · 26/12/2024 16:08

If I understand you mainly do weekends and he has DC during the week. I would move and commit to making the one hr commute each way every weekend and make the most of the quality time with DC then. It would also mean you can fully focus on your job during the week, your career sounds important to you. However, all this depends on you and whether seeing your DC only over weekends would be enough - it would for me in this situation but may not for you. As you pointed out plenty of fathers do this. In response to your original post, as others have pointed out you can’t just move DC without getting your exH support.

Original poster
Timeline · 26/12/2024 16:11

Sorry, forgot to answer question about how far away his work is.

Currently it’s 50 minutes to his work. New city 37 minutes. Although I would compromise if he wanted and would live right next door to his work in the actual city he works in (right next to the city I would like) if I had to. I’m trying to make this easy for him. He doesn’t go outside with our son apart from to take to and from nursery. So he doesn’t see that there is nothing to do here, and it doesn’t drive him crazy. And he always has somewhere to sleep close enough to his work, whereas I don’t. I’d been considering sleeping in my office but I’m not allowed to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Timeline · 26/12/2024 16:15

Okthenguys · 26/12/2024 16:08

If I understand you mainly do weekends and he has DC during the week. I would move and commit to making the one hr commute each way every weekend and make the most of the quality time with DC then. It would also mean you can fully focus on your job during the week, your career sounds important to you. However, all this depends on you and whether seeing your DC only over weekends would be enough - it would for me in this situation but may not for you. As you pointed out plenty of fathers do this. In response to your original post, as others have pointed out you can’t just move DC without getting your exH support.

Currently I do 4 nights, including the weekends, and he does 3 nights during the week, while our child is at nursery. So he just gets him up in the morning and then does evening after nursery. That’s what we agreed in our recent break up as 50/50… he did agree to be flexible if necessary.

I would like to do 50/50
and would be happy to continue with the current arrangement but I am finding it difficult to with getting to work, and finding a place to sleep after work.

OP posts:
CFbillsplitter · 26/12/2024 16:40

Your vocabulary around the is all very strange. Needing a place to “sleep” near your work? Don’t you need a home? All this paying for hotels - where are you living currently? Are you expecting your ex to move to a city that you chose to make things easier for you?

Original poster
Timeline · 26/12/2024 16:49

CFbillsplitter · 26/12/2024 16:40

Your vocabulary around the is all very strange. Needing a place to “sleep” near your work? Don’t you need a home? All this paying for hotels - where are you living currently? Are you expecting your ex to move to a city that you chose to make things easier for you?

I would like a home, of course.

I’m currently living in the flat I co-own with my ex that he wants to stay in and buy me out of.

I’m at the point now where I feel I may have accepted the possibility that I should take up my ex’s suggestion of him taking our child on weekdays and me doing weekends in the new city where there are loads of things to do and see. I could afford the maintenance.

I have met other mothers who have their child only at the weekend so perhaps this isn’t that unusual.

My own parents might disown me out of shame though.

OP posts:
Lovemusic82 · 26/12/2024 16:59

Could you have your dc from Friday (after nursery) until Sunday evening or even Monday morning?

I don’t know why people are being judgemental, many parents have 50/50 and many fathers have their dc more than the mother does. If OP was a man people probably wouldn’t see it as an issue at all.

Original poster
Timeline · 26/12/2024 17:04

Lovemusic82 · 26/12/2024 16:59

Could you have your dc from Friday (after nursery) until Sunday evening or even Monday morning?

I don’t know why people are being judgemental, many parents have 50/50 and many fathers have their dc more than the mother does. If OP was a man people probably wouldn’t see it as an issue at all.

I was either going to do Friday evening or Saturday morning, until Monday morning. I’d make a big effort to get my child out to school on Monday, or work a short day on Friday to pick him up from school. So that would be 3 nights. What my ex does now, but with more activities as I’d have him for the weekend rather than at school. When you put it like the above, I can feel the tables turning, it’s weird isn’t it? So, I would do 3 nights, what he does now? And I feel bad about it? What the hell. Of course I should buy a flat in the new city…

OP posts: