Want to move to another city, ex doesn’t want to, shared childcare a problem

[Timeline]

I broke up with my ex a few months ago. I’ve been trying to figure out what to do with my life since. We have some assets that we are splitting, the money has not arrived yet but it will.

I will have enough money for the deposit on my own flat. I don’t work near where the current jointly owned flat is and it’s a hassle as I have to book places to stay which is expensive.

He doesn’t work that near either, we were only here because my parents offered to help us with childcare. They now have decided that it’s time to end this arrangement upon their retirement (fair enough, their decision).

I would like to move to a city closer to my work, so that I don’t have to pay for somewhere extra to stay every time I go to work. I want my own space to come back to in the evening. The city I have identified has many lovely museums for my child to go to at the weekend and seems interesting and diverse. It’s also cheaper than the current location and I would be better off financially. It just seems like the decision that would make my life function as a single parent. I could get my son into a local school and I could realistically afford to do 100% of the childcare alongside working, if I paid occasionally (on a regular pattern) for a childminder to pick him up from after school club some days and get him home.

My ex wants to stay where my parents live in our old flat as a stable base for our child. He’s lined up some schools already. We own the flat 50/50 but he wants to buy me out.

I can’t function living here where my parents live, there is nothing to do, it’s expensive and I wouldn’t be able to cope with continuing with this hotel nightmare I’ve been living with to get to my (fantastic, amazing) job in a niche industry which I can’t transfer away from (there’s no jobs in this town anyway).

Can I just buy a flat and tell my ex that my child is coming with me? We were never married. I’m the mother. I’m not sure what to expect from asking this question. I’ve been crying a lot about this. Please be gentle.

I'm in a different situation with some parallels and have sympathies. It's awful being stuck trying to parent somewhere you find miserable while dealing with a break up and all. Let me just recommend you that you work this out very carefully with your ex, because if he decides to oppose your child's relocation in court, from my personal experience the court process will be many months or even years long, eye wateringly expensive and time-consuming and stressful and you may not get what you want, the court will impose whatever it thinks best for the child and in my experience they disapprove of change and travel and heavily approve of fathers rights and 50/50 shared care. Gone are the days of Mum being able to take her child where she wishes on separation/divorce. If anyone thinks otherwise please correct me, it would cheer me up.

PS also do get 30 minutes free legal advice from one or more solicitors who could tell you how things might go for you in court.
Relocating without asking is risky as you can be court ordered back.

He's not yet at school so you can move and use whatever childcare you want on your days- he could stay at current nursery when with your ex and then one near your work on Fridays/mondays.
I don't think long term your ex will agree to never seeing his son at the weekend- he'll want some quality time. He'd want every other weekend surely.
Also, as your son gets bigger he won't want to go to another city every weekend he'll want to be near his friends from school so he can attend birthday parties and play dates etc - so if he goes to school near your current flat you'll either be doing long drives back every weekend or have him saying he doesn't want to come.
You really want to move and have him going to a school near your house - this would likely encourage ex to move to your new city.
Whose name is child benefit registered with?

Only if it effected contact with ex or wasn't in child's best interest or it meant that she'd changed schools without permission but child isn't at school age yet

At present no weekends, I don’t think he will change his mind. He likes having the weekend to himself. When we were together it was the same, most of the time. I could take him back to my exes for the play dates and arrange to sleep in the lounge, if needed. It would be nice if my ex could move near where I plan to but that won’t happen immediately. Maybe if he got a job in the same city as me, which is a likely thing to happen in the next few years.

Child benefit is in my name into a joint account used for bills.

Ugh, it’s not going to work. The only way I can move is if he moves too. I’ve worked it out and it would be a lot of train travel with very comparable costs. Less train travel = more time to work. But I will continue my hotel nightmare. That was a waste of a day but at least I know now that moving to another place isn’t happening.

It’s just going to have to cheer myself up when I’m away at work by pretending I’m some kind of travelling nomadic entertainer.

Arranging to sleep in your ex’s lounge to facilitate a play date for you child is a pretty strange thing to even consider. A birthday party might be for 2 hours. Why would it need overnight accommodation? Isn’t it only an hour away? Do you and the dad drive?

But it sounds like the new city wouldbe easier for her ex as well.

This doesn't sound like uprooting a child and making things less convenient for the dad. This sounds like the new city would be more convenient for everyone. Just that current arrangement is only abit inconvenient for her ex whereas it is incredibly inconvenient for her. And dc is below school age so moving at this stage would not be a massive upheaval.

Might be worth getting legal advice but I suspect it is unlikely that a court would prevent a mother moving a child to a location which is more convenient for the father's work

Are you already separated? If so, where does DC sleep when they have the 4 nights with you?

My DD and DGD have just moved to be nearer to family for support. DGD is 6. Every other Friday after school DD travels halfway (an hour drive) to meet ex and he has DGD until Sunday 6pm and then they meet again. Ex can have DGD more in holidays as he likes, DD is very organised and has it all worked out in advance.
Before this was the same but ex picked DGD up from school every Friday, one week having her for weekend one week just 3.30 until 7pm. So summer going to park and for food. Winter play area/ activity and food. It can be done.

https://www.gov.uk/looking-after-children-divorce

Completely agree with this. And 50/50 isn’t always what’s best for the child.

Sometimes they do better having one stable based for the week then spending weekends at the other parents.

Let’s face it a lot of people seek 50/50 for their own interests rather than it being best for the child.

You're getting a hard time OP. Not sure why.
Neither of you work in the place you live, so it makes sense to move for both of you as parents are not helping with childcare.
Paying for hotels is expensive so YANBU to want to move. I think you should agree to ex proposal. There's plenty of mums who have unusual arrangements, my Dsis has a weekend/holiday arrangement as well with her ex as he won't move and her DC are happy in that school but she can't find work locally so she lives elsewhere and sees Dc outside of school time.
Lots of people will.judge you but honestly if it works for you both then go for it. As you said plenty of men have this!

Many CMS don't pick up from after school club....it's not practical to go to school at 3 get back feed everyone see some go home then go back out with everyone again....so don't assume you will find someone you might need a full wrap around childminder.

If you collected your ds on Friday from school you'd have him 3 nights Friday, Saturday and Sunday and you drop him to school Monday morning. Do you think your ex would agree to that? You'd pay a little bit of maintenance and your ex would claim the child benefit. Your DC could continue with the current nursery so would have routine maintained. You could get another flat in a new town and over time your ex might decide to move there too as it's closer to his work. You need to talk it all through together.

I’m assuming your child is younger so not able to get themselves to school. Play it forward for a moment, your child will grow older in no time and will be able to get on a train and meet you halfway after school on a Friday, and then at some point will be able to make the whole journey by themselves to yours. What about secondary schools - would that be a possibility in your town? They will reach an age where they love the city and will want to stay with you more.

Either way, you need to move ur life forwards and not having it held down by your OH who recognises that this is you getting on and wants to block it, and your parents who are not going to be available for childcare anyway. So many of the problems on here are because the woman in the relationship gives up their job, doesn’t own property or doesn’t have the means to move on. So don’t fall into that.

Your proposals are entirely reasonable - you see ur child for weekends only for awhile fine, things change as children grow. You are proposing to be economically secure, own your own home and see your child 3 out of 4 nights. Marvellous- do that.

No child would ever choose to be moved away from one of their parents, or to live so far away from their Mum for most of their lives. You are thinking about your own convenience, not what is best for your child.

They were sleeping partly at my parents house and partly at the shared flat with my ex while he went out in the evening. 1/2 and 1/2. Although my parents have decided that they want to end this arrangement so for now I will be sleeping in the lounge at my old flat where my ex living, that I am owed money for. And until I can buy a new place I’m going to stay in the lounge because I have no where else to go.

I think a lot of posters have either missed the point or not read the OP properly.

OP has a preschool aged DC. OP currently shares contact 50:50 with her ex, in which she does 4 nights and he does 3 nights.

Both OP and ex work in different cities to each other, and live in a third place away from where both of them work. Current home is closer to ex's work than to OP's work.

OP wishes to move home to a place which is closer to BOTH her work AND ex's work. Therefore the move would not impact ex negatively at all. He can either choose to remain in the current home which is far from work, or can move to another place closer to his work.

Have I got that right, OP?
If so, you can move house to be nearer your work, and DP cannot reasonably stop you. Your DC can continue to spend the 4 nights with you, and can then spend the 3 nights with your ex. You would no longer be able to overlap your time or do bits of days. Any childcare you need on your days would need to be in your city, and your ex can arrange/maintain childcare in the current place.

When your child eventually starts school, you would need to choose which city your child attends. If your ex has 3 days and you have 4, or if your ex would need to use wraparound care whereas you could do school run, then it is likely that they would attend school near you.

I think your ex is trying to call your bluff, to use this as a way to either stop you from separating from him or punish you by making it inconvenient and financially costly and limiting your contact with your child.

If you've decided to end the relationship, then you need to get your own place. This can be anywhere you like as long as it does not cause significant inconvenience for your ex or disruption for your child. Given your DC is below school age, 50:50 is still entirely possible with you living an hour drive away, so don't be bullied into weekends only. What's the difference between driving an hour for handover on a Tuesday-Saturday or doing it on Friday-Sunday?

Hi there, yes this is all correct. However, after thinking about this for a long time and considering everything, I think if I can’t persuade my ex that he should move to this new city (which I think I might continue to suggest as an option over the next few years) then it would make everything easier and everyone happier if I bought a flat locally and did 50/50 here, and then run off for a few days to the city on my days off and stay in I don’t know where. The uncertainty has an element of romance to it so it’s not all bad.

I think I got a bit emotional because I could see how much easier things would be in this new city but I got reminded of my ex and his stubborn ways, he is resistant to change. That’s one of the reasons we aren’t together anymore. If it was going to be easy and if we saw things from the same place maybe we wouldn’t have split.

This way I will be closer to my child and perhaps this could be a suitable setting for amicable co-parenting, but I had really hoped (and still do) that the amicable co-parenting could happen in new city. Maybe something will change at some point and it will shift and work out.

OP I'm glad that you have made a decision and although I don’t agree with it - this thread has shown either way your decision is hard.

I just want you, me and all women I suppose to think about themselves first a bit more, and let others bend and shape themselves around us.

However, I also wanted to say well done - you have found yourself in a strong position for your future and I wish you all good wishes.

I moved in this situation - several hours away as I couldn’t afford to leave and stay local (South East). Factors in my favour included the fact that there was going to be social services interventions if I did not move out (several domestic incidents), and I think he feared ending up with a mesher order on the house if he tried to stop me leaving. Family courts did not view this favourably, and whilst stopping short of changing résidence, I’ve had to stick to a highly detailed contact order where I’m travelling a lot. Expect to have to undertake the travel if he stays.