What happens when they don’t stick to 50/50?

[sealprincess]

Our arrangement happened in mediation, it’s not court ordered. He’s not doing his half. I am OK with the idea of doing more but would like whatever I am doing to be formalised rather than feeling I am constantly on call for when he can’t / won’t parent. Does anyone have any experience of changing the arrangement? How did it happen? And what do I do in the meantime? I am picking up the slack & keeping a record but is there anything else I should be doing?

Does his maintenance change when he does less?

I know you say you don’t mind but I’m just absolutely baffled at a woman that would allow herself to be walked all over like this.

No it won’t have a financial impact. I should have said that. I don’t see it as being walked over…I would be OK with doing more of the parenting (I’ve always done the lion’s share) but it would be much easier if I knew when I was doing it!

@sealprincess Well, yes quite. Why are you letting him dictate this to you? It’s truly baffling. Tell him if he wants it changed you need to go back to meditation or court. Either that or continue to put up with things as is.

If the agreement was that you both do 50/50 then he in most circumstances wouldn’t have a maintenance liability anyway. So he’s being a twat. CMS is the only way forward. I speak with experience.

Stop being available.
Just don't be available.
Especially if he asked for it or insisted on it being 50/50. Or insist it is changed to something he can stick to and don't be avaliable.
Its hard as a mother you don't want to let the children down, his failings as a father are not a you issue.
Good luck

He hasn’t said he wants it changed. He is just asking me to do extra days when it suits him. Do I wait till this has gone on a while & then say: we obviously are not doing 50/50 so let’s renegotiate?

Just say 50:50 isn't working for you. Then say "no" to all the extra requests.

He insisted on 50/50.
i would like to stop being available at times i am not supposed to be but if i would be OK with it changing to more like 70/30, & it would be easier to have something he can stick to, then what do i do in the meantime?

How long will you wait though? I’d do it sooner rather than later. At some point one of you is going to have to enforce your agreement because the children need stability and routine and need to know what they are doing.

It’s not really about if you mind or if he cba, there’s children at the centre of it so an arrangement needs to be made and stuck to.

He’s taking the piss.

OK so that would also mean saying “50/50 isn’t working. Let’s try this other arrangement instead & when it’s your times you can’t call me” as in I would have fl suggest an alternative arrangement?

OK so that would also mean saying “50/50 isn’t working. Let’s try this other arrangement instead & when it’s your times you can’t call me” as in I would have fl suggest an alternative arrangement?

How long has this been going on ?

how many days have you been doing in the past month for example?

A lot of men insisting on 50/50 don’t actually want 50/50

He is not likely to easily accept less than 50/50. He’ll want to keep it going to upset me & keep the conflict going.
So that’s why I wonder if I give it a bit longer, I can prove he is not sticking to his times & he’ll be more likely to accept a different arrangement.

Not long but I feel like I can see the direction it is going in.

That’s a shit idea. Prove to whom? He knows he’s a dick.

you know when someone tells you something and you think “I know how this goes” well I’m telling you, he will mess you about to ensure that you can’t make plans or arrange anything and yet will simultaneously not pay his share.

So bring in the big guns now. Don’t wait. You’re prolonging the inevitable if you do AND giving him another chance to bully you.

I get this but it’s really early days. I am just wondering whether it is worth waiting a bit to see if he either steps up to 50/50 or I am able to say we have tried it and it’s not working.

Ok say "no" to the extra requests and every time he asks grey rock with "you insisted on 50:50 so you need to sort your childcare on your time".

I don't think discussion will get your anywhere, you said yourself he wants conflict.

OK but what if there is a way to shift to 70/30 or something like that? I could then grey rock & refuse extra requests. But feels mad to do that on 50/50 if he is clearly not going to stick to it & we are likely to end up with a different split of time.

So this prince of a man who is already messing you about, is going to step up? Really?

Do the CMS calculator and see what actual solid difference 70/30 makes vs 50/50.

I doubt it but don’t I have to wait a bit to find out before ripping up our agreement? Which anyway a court might uphold?

The 70/30 shift will need to be his idea.

Why not just say no now?

Yes this is what I think too. It’s just how to get to that point.
I mean if I thought he would do 50/50 properly i would not be asking this.
But I don’t believe he ever will. It doesn’t seem in our child’s best interest and it certainly isn’t in mine.