What happens when they don’t stick to 50/50?

[sealprincess]

Our arrangement happened in mediation, it’s not court ordered. He’s not doing his half. I am OK with the idea of doing more but would like whatever I am doing to be formalised rather than feeling I am constantly on call for when he can’t / won’t parent. Does anyone have any experience of changing the arrangement? How did it happen? And what do I do in the meantime? I am picking up the slack & keeping a record but is there anything else I should be doing?

Take it to court and get everything in writing. If you're keeping a diary of all the times you've had the children in his allocated times, there is proof. He doesn't want 50/50, he just wants to piss you off and your children are the victims of his games.

This is why I am keeping a record. But it’s early days so do I need more of a record than I have now?

I think you've got 2 reasonable options. Go on saying yes and recording what the actual split is then go back to mediation and then court if necessary with the proof he isn't doing 50/50 and seeking to formalise the actual split of child care. Its likely this would be considered to be in DC best interests. Or you can say no to everything and say you're happy to formalise a different split but until that happens you're sticking to the agreed arrangement. I think its unlikely you'll be able to convince him to change things, but you don't need to, you just need to convince a judge that the current situation isn't in DC best interests.

Thank you. This feels very clear.

I'd go to court with a log of him not doing 50:50. It's very inconsistent for the children and gives them the message that daddy is too busy/has better things to do so palms them back off in mum. I wouldn't want to say no to more time with my children but he's also largely controlling your life by doing this. Which, sadly, a lot of men take great pleasure in.

Yes control was a problem in the marriage & I knew he would try to continue beyond it.

What do you want long term? Do you want 70:30 or do you want a 50:50 that he sticks to?
If you want 70:30 then agree to his additional requests. Take the children whenever he asks you to. Then in a few months go back to mediation with your proof that 50:50 isn't working and file a CMS request.
If you want 50:50 then grey rock. Don't be available. If he somehow manages to foist the children on you by not picking up at agreed times etc. then you'll still need to go back to mediation/court.

This. He wants 50 50 but doesn't want to actually do 50pc. You are enabling it by letting him ask you for extra days.
Just say "no, I've made other plans for that day. If you want to change arrangements more long term then I'm open to that"

If you say no, what happens to the poor children, who looks after them? For their sake it would be best to suck up the unexpected days, but keep a record,with a view to eventually getting the split adjusted.
He's also probably found out that actually looking after children half the time isn't what he really wanted, but he says it is to make a point, but the reality is too much for him.

Thanks everyone. It sounds like if I want 50/50 I should grey rock & refuse requests now & if I want a different split then I should either ask for it now or say yes now & log it & use the log to ask for it later & if he denies it or said no I can take it to mediation and/or court.
I don’t think, no matter what I want, he will ever stick to 50/50 & feel he is unlikely to stick to even a less equal split because he has never done the actual work of parenting & wants control BUT I think a 70/30 split or similar would enable me to plan my work better & would be more consistent for my child so that’s what I think I should try for.
I think of the options of trying to renegotiate now & waiting, waiting feels more likely to work, so will put up with this stress for a few more months & then try to renegotiate.
thanks everyone for really good advice.

Hi OP, I feel like we are in a similar position. Me and my ex are about as close to 50:50 as we can get due to both of our shifts etc, I still have our DC slightly more. But he constantly bails on his responsibilities and is down to me or his parents to pick up the pieces.

It’s all well and good for people to advise “A don’t be available” or “just say no” or imply I’m allowing myself to be walked all over but DC is still my DC even when they’re with dad, I don’t just absolve myself of all responsibility because it’s his time with DC, I just don’t work that way and I’d far rather DC be with me than palmed off elsewhere.

Incidentally he’s never paid a penny in maintenance and any conversation I attempt to enter into with even the vaguest mention of maintenance is met with defensiveness and push back. So I just leave it, because I’m picking my battles right now and I need the harmony more than the money. But I know the kind of man he is and at some point I will deal with it.
If I were you, I’d keep a diary of all the occasions he reneges on his end of the deal, every single occasion and the reasons why, and I’d give it a good few months then invite him back to mediation and state clearly why 50:50 isn’t working and SHOW him the evidence you have then suggest you work it differently to account for the split that you actually do, if he still refuses then ask him for a suggestion, as it’s clearly not fair to be 50:50 on paper so he can avoid maintenance or pretend to be a great dad but in reality just give the kids back to you an extra 20% of the time but expect that to just be written off and ignored.

Oh and to add, when your ex is an emotionally abusive person, is not that easy to just stand up to them. I genuinely dread conflict with my ex over DC because I know he won’t deal with it in a mature and productive way, he will go on the attack and it’s me that gets the brunt and the fallout so yes I do work very hard to keep the peace.

I would just say "No, sorry I'm travelling for work." Everytime he asks and then after a few of these throw in " If you are finding 50:50 doesn't suit I am happy to consider a different arrangement but it needs to be formalised so that I can plan my work around it. If you want to keep 50:50 then you'll need a reliable babysitter as I am not available"

He won't want to cough up for a babysitter, won't like the idea you are managing fine without him and making developments at work (whether or not you are) and will probably be quite happy to scupper both by changing contact - which of course is what you would quite like.

Thanks for saying this & I am sorry you are going through it too!
I am the same: caught between wanting to put DC first, not wanting conflict with my ex because of a history of emotional abuse which has left me with PTSD, & also just wanting life & work & my child’s life to be more consistent.

I don’t think he’s going to suggest a change when you’re at his beck and call. You’re creating an atmosphere where he says jump and you say how high, he’s very unlikely to change anything when you want to in a little while.

You need to put in clear boundaries with him. You do not help during his parenting time and tell him if he wants change the agreement needs to change.

Right now you look very flexible and helpful, what happens in a few months when you start making demands? Just be clear about what you want in the first place.

It’s not being walked over. He might be taking the piss but he doesn’t have to look after them. He could say I don’t want them any days if he wanted. No one can force him.

Reviving my own thread to say it’s now been several months & I have tried both approaches - saying yes to extra days because I want more time with my child & saying no in the hope that my ex will see it’s not working. When I said yes he took the piss but it was (I believe) better for our child. When I said no he started getting a lot of paid childcare and upped the screen time. I then tried to suggest we change the split to what we are doing not what we agreed & he has said no.
I think I can either go to court (but if he’s determined to have 50/50 then I don’t think I will get anywhere) or try to persuade him back into mediation (which we both hated so doubt he would say yes; also I’d need a better mediator; the one we had did not stop him verbally abusing me in the sessions). Or I go on being flexible and feel like a doormat but at least getting more time with my child would be (I think) putting my child’s needs first.
Or are there other options I haven’t considered?