Help with splitting assists/mediation

[Redhed87]

Hey, I’m getting divorced, it is not amicable.
for background, he owned a house when we met, I haven’t earnt as much as him or contributed to the household as much, but am on the mortgage and joint owner on the deeds. We were together about 9 years, married 7, although split 3 years ago and he has made it impossible to sort the divorce - and has refused to move out since. He had a separate room and often stays at his girlfriends. Life is hell.
we are finally doing mediation. I now work full time, we have a 3yr old and 4 yr old. He’s agreed I can have full custody, he will have visitation every other weekend.
I am asking for 72% of the assets in our divorce. This was after we had mediation to discuss our debts/assets/income etc. we both said what we needed - I need a house in our current village, 3 bed, for me and the boys. Otherwise I’d have to change job and my son would have to change schools. Which I don’t think is fair, and also if I changed jobs it would really impact my long term career and earnings. My ex had said he needs a 2 bedroom property with a wider acceptable area. We can both afford these things with the above agreement. But he is saying no, it’s not fair, and he wants 50/50. But I can’t agree to that. And I feel like a monster asking for more to be honest but I have to think about my kids - and myself. And I am bitter to be honest and biased and I don’t know whether I’m being unfair. So would really appreciate opinions. Thank you.

It’s £150k ish currently. Yeah I don’t think it would be fair for him as he wouldn’t be able to buy. But it would be nice! Dream land I think. I’ve not been realistic unfortunately. I just can’t believe this is all happening. Just seems incredibly unfair.

So this is a problem, because they need to feel that both houses are their home. One parent doesn’t get to trump the other - they need a safe secure relationship with both of you, and that means seeing each parent’s house as home. They need clothes, toys, belongings and hobby equipment available in both homes. You may be even more surprised if he goes for 50/50. Your children have 2 parents and each parent should be equally valued in order for them to grow up happy and settled.

They deserve all that with their father as well. Maybe he will have them more at some point. But you don’t need a 3 bed house and a garden at his expense. The cost of being a resident parent is reflected in child support payments.

Sadly, divorce is very unfair. But it’s important to try to be as fair as possible, even if it breaks your heart. I left the father of my DD when she was young, she attend in the same school, I rented then bought in a different town and did the donkey work of school runs etc until she went to secondary school. But I’d seen several of my friends in a similar situation fighting over their children, resulting in a not insignificant impact on the children’s mental health. So I agreed to 50/50 although it broke my heart at first. But in time, it worked very well for her, and consequently for me as well.

It’s worth noting your child maintenance payments could taken into account for a mortgage (at least by some lenders)

It might help you borrow more. I know it seems crap but a big house and garden etc isn’t important in the grand scheme of things. You can find a way to be happy.

He’s already agreed this in mediation. Their dad is abusive towards me and has issues with drug use. This has all been sorted and agreed. There are safety measures in place, and I’m not entirely comfortable with overnights still but the boys adore him and as long as they are safe this will happen as agreed. But I didn’t feel that was relevant to the finances.

Thank you. I did feel like I was trying to be fair. It’s frustrating as I know as soon as it’s all signed, he will move in with his new partner and be able to have exactly what I’m losing. And I’m going to be alone with no potential for things to get better. I’m really grateful for you sharing this, hopefully even if things are different to how I hoped they can be ok.

It’s already taken into account. Which is nerve wracking as I’m not entirely sure they will be reliable.

Your housing needs are the same

two homes to accommodate a parent and two children

yiu earn the sane / how is his mortgage capacity so much higher because if anything his is less as he’ll be paying child maintenance and yours higher as you’re receiving it

But when you meet someone you think you should get less ? Hand money received in settlement back ? No ? So why should he lose more now

A mesher is highly unlikely with this amount of equity, their ages and the fact you earn the same

you should be looking at nearer to 50:50 but either equalise or offset pension difference

I don’t understand this?

They aren’t the same, I don’t agree.
I wouldn’t think it would be reasonable in any situation for children to have to live a certain way so their parents can have the same as each other. If he was having them most of the time I wouldn’t expect him to live in a lesser way so I could have the same. As a parent I want what’s best for my children, everything we built together is for them. They are staying at his house what 24 nights a year out of 365? It’s not the same as their home, their base, their safe space. They don’t need two exact replica houses. His needs aren’t the same, it’s one persons home compared to three.

This is a horrible way to look at things. They should have 2 homes, you both have the same needs and they should be happy at each.

I think you’re being very unfair

I genuinely don’t understand how this is horrible? This is what he wants. He’s abusive and has addiction issues. I would rather they didn’t see him at all but they do adore him and as long as they’re safe I have to do what’s best for them.
they should have one home, but sadly that can’t be the case.
their home will be our home. If someone asked their address they wouldn’t be expected to write down two different ones. I genuinely am really suprised this is being made into an issue.
I’ve always been their safe space, primary caregiver etc. my home will always be theirs. He has never been that to them.

You're being very unreasonable. You said yourself your boys adore him. You acquired assets together, you both should split as close to 50:50 as possible. Your housing needs are the same, maybe he will have them more time in the future but is trying to gradually increase - thinking about the impact on them initially. If you want to maintain the same lifestyle as current, get a higher paying job. It is not his new partners job to foot the bill due to your greed and bitterness.

I am trying to split as close as possible, and it’s nothing to do with greed.
I do not agree our housing needs are the same. If it was going to be 50/50 in terms of where the boys were staying that would be totally different.
im not sure how I am expected to get a higher paying job but thank you for that helpful advice.
I am not asking anything at all of his new partner I don’t understand how that comment is even relevant.

You might not agree - but a court will deem your needs the same

and as you earn the same and will be in receipt of cms you have the higher income.

Because you are alluding to the fact you think he should get less because he has a girlfriend

so if you get a boyfriend you think that would entitle you to less of the assets ?

He will have two incomes to support his home. I’m saying if it was being looked at fairly that would get taken into account as it doubles his mortgage potential. In effect, he can get the same property we currently have. If I had another income to rely on I absolutely wouldn’t expect the same assets. The fact is I’m going to be at home alone with my kids for the next 10 or so years, because I can’t afford childcare and he won’t have them often, if he even sticks to what’s been agreed. And that’s fine, I’m making peace with it. But it isn’t fair or equal in any way.

I won’t have a higher income, cms is already taken into account, and he has additional income not from his salary. He gets around £800 per month more than me.

Thank you all, I’m very suprised, this has been enlightening. I honestly wasn’t expecting some of the comments. I don’t know many people who are divorced, but of those I do, I think one husband moved in with their parents then rented, and the other shared equal time with the children so that was split evenly. I have lots to think about and appreciate the feedback, even if it wasn’t what I wanted to hear, I clearly need to try and figure out a different way to make this work for everyone.

It is fair
you split marital assets as they stand now

then you’re both independent to make your life choices. He may move in with girlfriend, they may split. You may meet someone and move in, you might not. Neither of those should impact how you split your joint assets. her I fine should be considered and even if living together she can refuse to provide her income

you may need to consider moving out if your village and you’ll need childcare

Can I ask where you are getting this information? As from a legal point of view it does change things if he has a partner he’ll be living with. The fact she’s moved across the country to live here and is currently short term renting suggests they are planning to live together, he just isn’t doing it until this has been finalised.
as I’ve said, moving further away is not an option, as it would change my earnings - I would have to reduce my hours or change jobs, and therefore my income would be lower which would change everything. The house prices in this area are a certain amount, I have no control over that.

I think what you’re doing here is assuming that your standard of living shouldn’t change, but his should.

in a split there is usually a reduction in standard of living all round, the money has to go further. You might have to accept not keeping everything the same for yourself.

it’s also not fair to want him to get less as he’s met someone. As a pp said, I’m pretty sure if you had a new partner you’d not accept that meant you would have any less…