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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

We can get through Christmas with the ex, can't we?

48 replies

Questionsandheartache · 17/12/2024 10:58

I'm sure there must be others in this situation, so feel free to share how you're planning on making it bearable.

Divorce in progress, but can't afford to move out until house sells, so loving in the same house, albeit pretty much avoiding each other.

I've been in complete denial about Christmas. But it's coming anyway. I will have the day here, with the kids, him and his mum.

I get panicky at the thought of doing the prep, the food etc. I dont want to spoil it for the kids, but I can't be bothered with all the effort I've usually gone to. I just don't care. I don't want to spend the day with him and his mum. I want to spend the day on my own ignoring everything.

A lovely friend has seen me struggling and we've arranged to get together and do something in Boxing Day, so I have that to look forward to. And hopefully by next year we'll have sold and moved.

It's one day. It'll be ok, but it's shining a light on how difficult everything is right now.

Anyone else in the same boat? How are you planning on getting through?

OP posts:
RuffledKestrel · 17/12/2024 11:25

I'm not in the same boat but can appreciate how difficult that situation is and how draining it must be for you. If you want to spend the day on our own, or somewhere else, could you speak to your ex and arrange that you will spend the morning with the kids, make them breakfast and do presents etc, but when his mum comes around you leave?
Go for a walk or visit someone else and leave him to do Christmas dinner with his mum and the kids?

Speaking from experience.... Kids will pick up on the atmosphere so may as well get them used to spending Christmas dinner with only one parent at a time now in my mind. Perhaps talk to them before hand though so it doesn't come as a shock.

Original poster
Questionsandheartache · 17/12/2024 11:48

@RuffledKestrel thank you. I wish I had set that intention but it feels too late now, and I don't want to let the children down. They know this is our last Christmas in this house. I just need to grit my teeth and get on with it.

Edited to add that it's nice just to have someone say that they can empathise. Thank you

OP posts:
grinchsourcream · 17/12/2024 12:32

Yup, same! Counting the days until this whole festive period is over. Really hard to try and stay jolly for the kids, want to cry every day 😥

But we will get through this! It will be hard, but we can do it!

Cerialkiller · 17/12/2024 12:38

I think you can still do some cross over. You in the morning and stay until Christmas lunch (I hope he's bloody helping with that!) share one meal as a family then go on a post prandial walk with which ever of the kids wants to join you. Sans ex and mother in law.

How is mil in this situation. If she's hostile about the split then minimise contact. Doubly so if ex is hostile.

Original poster
Questionsandheartache · 17/12/2024 20:56

Thank you, yes he will pull his weight. And I'll definitely get out by myself for a walk
MIL is difficult in many ways but she's being very understanding and good about this.
@grinchsourcream We can compare notes here if you need to rant

OP posts:
IamFree1 · 18/12/2024 21:47

I am in the same boat but don't have my daughter living at home anymore. He is so moody and grumpy that we are just avoiding each other in the house. I usually love Christmas but for once I can't wait for it to be over. I hope you manage to get some time out with your friend and walks with your kids. Sending you lots of hugs xx

Original poster
Questionsandheartache · 19/12/2024 05:43

@IamFree1 sorry you're in our club too. Sending hugs back

OP posts:
BlackChunkyBoots · 19/12/2024 06:02

I was separated for three months when Christmas rolled around last year. Neither of us could move out for financial reasons, so we had to make the best of things for our DD. It was weird, I mean, I really don't like him, yet I had to be civil and amenable and pretend I was fine when I really wasn't. I couldn't spend Christmas anywhere else because of my shift pattern.

Thankfully things are very different this year but I understand where you are coming from.

balancecleared · 19/12/2024 09:28

Yes. Another one here. I was going to start some sort of support thread and saw this thread.

Difficult. Everyone forced together. I know it has got to be done for dc. I can't wait for it all to pass. There has been elements of joy which I've found on the run up to Christmas but throw in the menopause and I'm done. I just haven't got the enthusiasm or drive.

For me, the way through is taking regular breaks. Maybe nipping out for a walk. I've bought my self some magazines and some self care items to get me through the day. My bedroom is my sanctuary and fortunately the house is large enough to disappear into another room/part of the house. The dc play quite nicely together so that is a positive. I'm not on call the whole time so to speak. But it is awkward especially Christmas dinner. I have arranged to visit a good friend on Christmas Eve with the children so that will take us out for a few hours. Trying to make the most of it but it is essentially 2 days of being stuck where I don't want to be. I might even do some more decluttering or cleaning whilst the dc play and try to keep busy.

You have my sympathy. But it will pass. I keep reminding myself it will pass.

Original poster
Questionsandheartache · 22/12/2024 18:16

Hi, just checking in again
Hope you're ok. Ex has flu, proper flu, so has been in bed for 3 days. It's actually been quite nice because he hasn't been around the rest of the house huffing and sighing and making snide comments. But if he's still ill on 25th and I have to entertain MIL on my own, I may lose it 😁

OP posts:
balancecleared · 22/12/2024 20:02

Questiontionsandheartache

The same here with illness but he has planted himself in the lounge and appears from time to time. Smiling at the huffing and sighing and snide comments. Could have written that myself.

I'm keeping busy. Fortunately, I have a lot of decluttering and sorting to do as well as a huge pile of ironing (school uniform) and a bit of work I need to attend to tomorrow. The holidays make it feel a whole lot worse - everyone out of routine. Plus I usually disappear somewhere or at least be out of the house whilst the dc are at school. Now of course, the routine has been massively disrupted. Taking each day as it comes. Have plans for tomorrow and Christmas Eve. Have been occupied with dc over the past couple of days and taking them out. Looking at my new christmas decorations and imagining them displayed in a place of my own.

The anticipation of the 'big day' is building. Can't wait for it all to be over. Boxing day won't be as bad as the expectation isn't there and then I will make plans accordingly to get out and about visiting/doing activities with dc.

How old are your dc op? How are you doing (and everyone else who is in a similar situation)?

Fishergirl · 22/12/2024 20:20

Yes I'm in the same boat. Separated since August but still living together. I feel so utterly depressed and dead inside. Our DS is only 9 and has commented to me quite a few times that he's not excited about Christmas this year. He's obviously picked up on the atmosphere and it makes me so sad.
The three of us are spending Christmas day together but thankfully stbexh is going away with friends on boxing day.
I just feel really shit and depressed and guilty.

balancecleared · 22/12/2024 22:03

Fishergirl Sorry to hear you are in the same boat. Yes, I feel very guilty as there is an obvious atmosphere. Where I have tried to keep things civil and amicable for the dc, my husband has not. Quite the opposite. He really has become very self centred. I know these are stressful circumstances but still, it is making everything worse. I have really seen a side to him I never knew existed. It's highlighting even more why we must go our own ways. A bit of respite for you on boxing day though. Can you make this a lovely day for you and ds somehow? The atmosphere will likely lift as soon as your stbex leaves.

Fishergirl · 22/12/2024 22:52

@balancecleared Yes I hope boxing day will be a fun day with my family.
Stbexh has been awful this week and my anxiety has been so high but today now he is being nice and kind again which almost makes me feel worse because the sense of guilt is heightened!
How old are your children?

Original poster
Questionsandheartache · 23/12/2024 06:25

@Fishergirl welcome to the not so happy club. Good to hear from you @balancecleared
I find holidays/weekends the worst too, and mostly go out. I have 2 DC, secondary school age. I'm out this afternoon and then I'm working tomorrow, but at home. The day will be what it is, and then Boxing day I'm out, and hopefully 27th. It's difficult though because the kids want to hang out at home, so it feels like I'm avoiding them too, although I hope they know that's not the case. And they are coming out this afternoon.

OP posts:
balancecleared · 23/12/2024 17:10

I have secondary and a primary school age dc. Not super young but somewhere in the middle. I find myself feeling like I'm avoiding dc but I'm not, I'm sort of dodging the awkardness of the situation. I tend to take them out. I work part-time mostly from home so not ideal.

I'm taking them out for a few hours tomorrow. Then I'm going out on the 27th but other than that I am here for Christmas Day and Boxing Day. I might disappear for a lengthy walk on Boxing Day as I find walking helps.

My husband is being awful. He's communicating with me even less than usual. Really petty shrugging and not answering me as well as being snidey. I feel low. I was talking to a friend today and burst into tears, the whole thing is getting to me. Time of year (Christmas) and holidays is just compounding everything.

I am seperated but haven't yet initiated divorce proceedings. How about everyone else? I have just been informed of an inheritance which will help secure a property so I'm waiting for that to go through probate etc. (going to ring fence it in my own savings account as advised). Things are sort of lining up but it is going to take a bit of time. I was going to wait a while but as each month passes it is becoming more and more intolerable.

Original poster
Questionsandheartache · 24/12/2024 06:21

Morning

@balancecleared I had a few false starts at initiating separation, but this year was it, I told him and the following week I started the divorce process. It'll be finalised in March.

OP posts:
Fishergirl · 24/12/2024 11:54

@balancecleared We separated in August, tried couples counselling but decided to divorce. I've had a meeting with the solicitor and she is writing to him in January to notify him then.

CheatsAtScrabble · 24/12/2024 12:09

Another in the same boat. Just muddling through. This time next year, the divorce will be done. I hope to goodness we’re in different houses.

longtompot · 24/12/2024 12:23

Sounds like a potentially stressful day. I think if I were in your shoes I'd frame it in my mind that everything I am doing is for my kids. I make the food how they like it and make the day all about them.
The suggestion above was good too, spend the morning together and after lunch go out for a walk either with or without the kids.
Heres to your freedom in the new year 🥂

balancecleared · 24/12/2024 18:46

A walk certainly helps and I think this will be my go to. I'm trying to lose a bit of weight and the extra steps are helping with this so I'm re-framing it.

Husband has said he is going out for a while on Boxing Day and this has made me feel relieved. Time does pass quickly. I do think it is a matter of re-framing it. Taking breaks and yes, perhaps a bit of tidying would be a good plan too. I don't like the fact that I hide away at times but I need to do this to save my sanity.

I had a lovely afternoon out with the dc today visiting a friend. More good memories. There was laughter and fun. There are pockets of joy to be found but sadly not in this house when he is around.

Original poster
Questionsandheartache · 24/12/2024 19:52

sadly not in this house when he is around.
Absolutely know what you mean.

I've got something to go out for every day apart from tomorrow, and then back at work on 30th.

OP posts:
tellmesomethingtrue · 24/12/2024 19:58

I'm in the same boat. House going on the market in the new year. Feeling very sad. STBEXH is still out with the DC so I'm just waiting for them to hurry up and get home so they can put their stockings out with me. Don't think they'll be home until 8:30 which I think is too late for a 9 year old but I shall have to bite my tongue.

Original poster
Questionsandheartache · 25/12/2024 08:45

Morning and Happy Christmas

So far so good, I was awake early and drank my first pot of coffee in blissful silence. Youngest has appeared and we watched Father Christmas and The Tiger Who Came to Tea.

Have chatted with friends on WhatsApp.

Realised I forgot bread sauce, but BBC Good Food to the rescue and I'm making it.

Ex still not appeared from his pit. Hooray.

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Frostycottagegarden · 25/12/2024 08:52

Happy Christmas!

Three years ago, I was drugged on sleeping tablets, and struggling with the awful realisation that I couldn't cope with my abusive ex any more. And I had my mil for Christmas. It feels like a weird bad dream now.

Two years ago, I was exactly where you are now. It was tense, and probably the hardest Christmas Day, but I got through it.

Last year, house hadn't sold but ex had moved out. Much calmer but bittersweet.

This year...in my own little cottage. Friends over yesterday evening. Can hear the dcs chatting. Feeling calm and content.

Hang on in there!