We can get through Christmas with the ex, can't we?

[Questionsandheartache]

I'm sure there must be others in this situation, so feel free to share how you're planning on making it bearable.

Divorce in progress, but can't afford to move out until house sells, so loving in the same house, albeit pretty much avoiding each other.

I've been in complete denial about Christmas. But it's coming anyway. I will have the day here, with the kids, him and his mum.

I get panicky at the thought of doing the prep, the food etc. I dont want to spoil it for the kids, but I can't be bothered with all the effort I've usually gone to. I just don't care. I don't want to spend the day with him and his mum. I want to spend the day on my own ignoring everything.

A lovely friend has seen me struggling and we've arranged to get together and do something in Boxing Day, so I have that to look forward to. And hopefully by next year we'll have sold and moved.

It's one day. It'll be ok, but it's shining a light on how difficult everything is right now.

Anyone else in the same boat? How are you planning on getting through?

Wish I’d found this sooner! Christmas Day with my STBHX and the kids here. Such a weird way to spend a day. So far not too bad though. Just wish he’d sort himself out a house that the kids could visit so he doesn’t have to come here all the time - he’s been sofa surfing since July 🙄

My friend did say something which helped though: aim for a forgettable Christmas. It’s not going to be wonderful, but make it good enough to blend in with all the others and be forgotten as a specific year. And that is really helping me today.

@goatshavehairyfeet Here's to a forgettable Christmas 🎄
@Frostycottagegarden you sound like you've got through an awful lot, have a great day

Morning all and happy Christmas.
My morning has been okay. Odd/weird/different but okay. We've gone through the same Christmas morning with ds so I don't think he's noticed anything different.
I'm feeling a massive sense of guilt though.
It's only the three of us today which suits me. Hope everyone's days go as well as they can.

@however87 that's tough, try and have a few minutes to yourself when you can

Ah, that's hard. I've hidden in the kitchen at moments.

Just managed to get in a nice long walk. Hardest part now...the Christmas meal. We've all got to sit around the table. No guests to break the awkardness or divert attention. I've tried making small talk with husband but it tends to get shrugged off or some negative comment or something. I think once the meal is out of the way, things will be okay. Moving towards the end of it all gradually.

The walk has helped enormously - kept me off the alcohol and chocolates. I have lost a fair bit of weight (I needed to due to binge eating) and I don't want to undo the good I have done. Also, trying not to spend money on-line as that is another go to in a bid to make me 'feel better'. A lot of avoidance here, occasional time spent with dc just wish he would go for a very long walk!

I have lots of bits and pieces I can do this afternoon. Light is fading now as it the day. It's sad isn't it. Hoping to snuggle up and watch a film with dc whilst he is out tomorrow. Hand hold to everyone else in this situation. We're getting there.

Also, sadly, there are a lot of other dismal threads about an awful Christmas and so on. We are not alone and oddly prepared for the dismal times I suppose. I'm sorry others are struggling it is rubbish but it does make me feel less alone.

Back again, we sat around the table and ate nicely. MIL seems to be in early stages of dementia, lots of confusion and repetition of things, but she filled the silence and we talked along.

I've volunteered to do the clearing up while everyone else goes to the lounge. DC seem happy which is what I was aiming for.

Mine too. All made it through with civility. Sorry to hear about your MIL OP. It’s often at Christmas that dementia’s is spotted by relatives for the first time.

@CheatsAtScrabble I've suspected, but it seemed more apparent today. Harsh as it sounds though, it's not my problem now, ex will finally have to step up

Anyone else feeling worse today?! I feel like I’d mentally prepared for yesterday and put a huge effort to get through it. Completely forgot I’ll need to get through today as well. STBHX has gone but my (awful) parents are coming today. Already got cross with the kids and had a cry.

Goats So sorry to hear you've got another tough day ahead of you. Don't know what to suggest other than to feign an illness - a sick bug or something that might deter them from appearing.

I feel relieved, sad, disappointed just washed out really. It was such a push to get through the day yesterday, today feels a bit like a relief. The way it is set out today means there is a fair bit of time when we are not in the house together which is a massive relief. I don't feel like I can fully relax though, waiting for the great return. Years ago when I was a child there was still much excitement on Boxing Day due to visiting (pleasant relations). Now there is a kind of flatness already although an activity planned for dc later. It would feel like a slog to have to entertain today, I'm thankful I don't have to put a happy face on for anyone other than dc as I'm already feeling drained. Sympathies to anyone like Goat who is having to do that today.

New Years Eve is the next big event I guess. Snow may be forecast there is a possibility of being stuck in with that but I don't want to think about that just yet. I need to take every day as it comes. Out for a few hours tomorrow. And on it goes until the dc return to school (in just over a week).

This is a supportive thread. I'm popping in here from time to time. Comforting to know it is here.

@balancecleared
I can't untag you sorry! 🤦🏼‍♀️
This is a general message though! Just wondering how everyone's NYE went? Ours was okay but he started getting bitter/miserable and angry after a few drinks in the evening. I took ds up to bed and stayed there then.
I've woken up feeling sad and weak. I don't know if I can go through with dismantling the family? I don't love DH though. It's all feeling insurmountable today. 😞

@fishergirl I've not enjoyed NYE for a few years, and have felt obliged to make the best of it. Yesterday I just went with the flow. Ex ignored me mostly, but not in a nasty way. And I was in bed at 10pm. Think I'm just relieved that hopefully it's the last time we'll be under the same roof at this time of year, and that I didn't have to pretend.

This morning I have booked a weekend away by myself, abroad. Feeling brave and reckless but excited.

You sound like you need to work through your feelings; feeling tired and weak is totally understandable (and I can relate). Will you be dismantling a happy, loving family which brings joy to you? Or will you be going through the difficult but necessary process of ending something that's not working, and giving yourself, and everyone else, the chance to have a more positive future? I don't think anyone finds it easy, but all the stories I've read seem to be of people feeling better at the end.

I don't cope well with New Years Eve. It was another non-event and made everthing more poignant. I feel asleep early - more from emotional fatigue than anything else. Woke up before the fireworks started. Felt so far away from my dc who were downstairs with their father. A dreary day weather wise but in spite of it, took myself for a long walk this morning.

You sound like you need to work through your feelings; feeling tired and weak is totally understandable (and I can relate). Will you be dismantling a happy, loving family which brings joy to you? Or will you be going through the difficult but necessary process of ending something that's not working, and giving yourself, and everyone else, the chance to have a more positive future? I don't think anyone finds it easy, but all the stories I've read seem to be of people feeling better at the end.

I've been battling with this no end. However, I am becoming more resolved and I can feel a shift in my thinking. There are a lot of feelings to process and one of mine is shame. I am waiting for something to be finalised this year and then around this time next year I want to instigate divorce proceedings. It's all become too toxic now and I'm realising my dc are suffering the consequences of it. I still can't imagine the actual event of going through with it. Filling in the paperwork and telling the dc. I just want the nightmare to end and move on with our lives.

Can I ask what your reasons are for separating and wanting to divorce? Is it a joint decision or just yours?
With us it is mainly my decision, although in arguments he has turned around and said that he wants a divorce as well. Ultimately I don't love him and I don't respect him anymore and I think that I should never have married him. I think that's why I'm feeling massive guilt and selfishness. Our day to day life isn't generally miserable or traumatic, but there have been incidents regarding DH's behaviour over the years that have stuck with me and chipped away at what love we did have. I have also begun to have feelings for other men.
He deserves a relationship with a woman who truly loves him and I can't give him that. I'm also at the point where I don't want to pretend to have a loving/fulfilling marriage anymore.

It was me who instigated the divorce. He'd have carried on in a dead marriage indefinitely.

Fishergirl I could have written your post almost word for word.

It will be me instigating as he seems to be just carrying on in a relationship that is over. I am conscious that I will be deemed the bad one by him and he will most likely relay this to the dcs - that mum was the one to leave. This feels hard to bear. He has taken delight in making disparaging comments about me and even offloaded his stuff onto eldest dc which he should have never done. He has also called me names in front of them like stupid and paranoid. I'm really seeing him in a different light now. I would not even choose him as a friend.