Talk to me about how your teenagers took the separation

[Iwantthesunsobad]

We have 4 children between 16-6 years. Have decided on separation however we don’t fully on agree on how much we should be telling them.
Bit of a back story partner has worked away a lot in the last 20 years and the children very much been looked after by myself apart from weekends even tho he always struggled with the involvement due to ASD and being super introvert. I must say he always supported them with the sports and always been there on any event.
Partners mental health has not been great so he’s very much been a bit of an absent father in a way of even when he is here, he won’t engage with them or spend time with them. Nevertheless the kids always ask after a day or so where daddy is so i’m sure he is very important to them.
He feels we need to sit the children down and tell them that he will live somewhere else even though i feel that actually him not always seeing them, will inspire him to make it count when he does see them.
i feel we can just make up an excuse as to why he is somewhere else most of the time and by the time they realise things, they will already used it and have a better relationship with him so they will take the news better and accept that it is for the best.
Does this make sense?
I honestly feel the kids will hugely benefit from the calmer home environment and have a more level headed mom and dad.
Tell me how you dealt with your separation?

Hi, OP. We can see your thread hasn't received any replies as yet, so we've moved it over to our Divorce/Separation board now - hope that helps.

I’m currently going through a divorce and we have been honest with our children who were 17, 21 and 22 when we seperated. My counsellor advised me that it was important to be honest with them as they will remember and that she counsels lots of young adults who said they wish their parents had just been honest with them.

Of course you should explain it to them. Even if he's not there that much, he's their father - their family separating is a huge life change. They need to be able to discuss it openly and get your support. Why would you leave them confused and blindsided about what's going on?

Thanks for your advice. We have ND children and as their thinking is very black and white i feel they wouldn’t be able to understand it so i feel a gradual experience into what family life would look like might be easier on them rather being told the ugly truth.

i might be wrong but thats just my thinking

Hi Op , I think we tried to be honest with our kids too and in hindsight probably said too much as we were worried that one of our children had overheard things .

Apart from initially they haven't really acknowledged or wanted to discuss the separation . I am also not sure they have even told their friends , although I have flagged it up to their school .

I think for teenagers generally , but can't comment re the ND aspect , they are at a " selfish " stage in their lives and are dealing with hormones and changes to their bodies . They aren't really interested in their parents lives as a whole .

As your children are ND , I am not sure if they are getting any support . If they have a social worker or therapist / professional assigned to them and if so , are you able to get any input from them about how they would advise that you address it with them ? If not , is this something that you can speak to their school( s) about and seek guidance / support there by way of guidance / counselling ?

Schools will be very experienced in this as sadly a number of relationships do break down .

Take care of yourself . This is a tough time and it is also difficult when children are in the mix and we are trying to do what is best for them too .

If you Google you may find some useful articles . I have found some of the Pyschology journals a good source of advice too .

Please tell your children honestly. You don't have to go into too much detail but explain you are separating, that you both love them very much, that dad will be living elsewhere but they will still see him.

Thank you both. Very useful tips.
It’s so hard to be level headed and reasonable when splitting up with your partner but the added pressure of trying to do all the right things for the sake of your children, sometimes too much to think about.