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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Panicking and confused.

33 replies

tellmesomethingtrue · 02/12/2024 22:39

All along my solicitor has said go for a 60:40 split so I can afford to buy a small house to have my kids for half the time. I only work 27 hours as we share the school run. I wouldn't afford a house with a 50:50 split of the assets (house).

STBEXH told me today that he will agree to a 50:50 split only, and that his solicitor says this will be what happens. They say I have to increase my hours. I don't want to work full time as I hate my job and I can't rely on STBEXH to do the school run everyday. I gave up on getting childcare at the start of the year as the provision round here is so poor. Kids have after school club once a week.

Anyway, STBEXH says that we should not divorce yet and continue to live together (been separated for 6 months due to his fling). I feel sick with upset and panic. I don't want to carry on living in limbo. I feel like he is being coercive by telling me I can't divorce him yet. I'm
so confused. Why are our solicitors saying such different things? Doesn't his solicitor know that I simply want a decent roof over my head? I'm not trying to fleece him for all he's worth.

What happens if we won't agree on how the assets are to be split? He says he won't budge from 50:50.

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 02/12/2024 22:41

The job of his solicitor is to look after him.

The job of your solicitor is to look after you.

If you cannot agree on the splitting of the assets (are you sure the house is the only asset? There is usually pensions as well) then you go to mediation to try to agree and if you cannot agree there you go to court.

You can start the divorce process without his agreement.

Original poster
tellmesomethingtrue · 02/12/2024 22:46

But I don't understand or want to believe that my STBEXH would split the assets and not leave me enough to get another (small) property. I will be raising our kids 50% of the time. I would need somewhere to live.

OP posts:
leopardprintismyfavourite · 02/12/2024 22:58

But I don't understand or want to believe that my STBEXH would split the assets and not leave me enough to get another (small) property

Your husband cheated on you and you suspect him of being coercive. Why would you think enough of him to do the above?

LemonTT · 02/12/2024 22:58

tellmesomethingtrue · 02/12/2024 22:46

But I don't understand or want to believe that my STBEXH would split the assets and not leave me enough to get another (small) property. I will be raising our kids 50% of the time. I would need somewhere to live.

He could equally question why you won’t work FT to give yourself a home.

The thing you both need to think about is how much it will cost to argue the toss over 10% of the equity value. That’s money that you won’t have new property.

Original poster
tellmesomethingtrue · 02/12/2024 23:02

I won't work full-time because we split the school runs. I work 5 days a week but short hours on my school run days as I can't do the school run whilst I'm supposed to be at work. He can nip out to get them whilst he's working and then return to work. It's just the nature of our jobs.

OP posts:
Original poster
tellmesomethingtrue · 02/12/2024 23:02

I had a full time job earlier this year but I had to quit as we didn't have childcare after school so I needed to collect them.

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 02/12/2024 23:09

Only your solicitors can properly advise you as they have all the relevant details. However, a 50/50 split is not unusual and adequate housing could mean renting.

Expect the worst from your ex. Don’t assume he’ll show you any kindness.

Original poster
tellmesomethingtrue · 02/12/2024 23:13

It just doesn't seem fair that he's going to keep our 4 bed detached house and I will end up with a 2bed terraced house.

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 02/12/2024 23:20

It’s not fair. But it is well known that women often take a bigger financial hit in divorce. I think this is why there are so many unhappily married women - you pick your poison.

RandomMess · 02/12/2024 23:20

Does he have a better pension than you?

Usually the courts do consider that you are both adequately housed.

millymollymoomoo · 03/12/2024 07:33

You will end up with a 2 bed terrace because of your refusal to work full time! If it goes to court you’ll be assessed and the settlement will reflect what you could earn full time, not a part time wage and expect him to lose more through your choices.

i don’t know the back story and amounts of money involved but if you want more money to afford more things you need to work full time, or if you can afford to work pt abc get benefit top ups. You won’t get a 60:40 split because you work pt ( of course there might be other factors to help justify that I don’t know here )

mitogoshigg · 03/12/2024 07:37

I'm sorry to be blunt but 50/50 is going to be close to the settlement and you need to be maximising your income. They certainly wouldn't be awarding a higher percentage of you reasonably could earn more. The fact you have said he'll have the kids 50% of the time strengthens his position

FartSock5000 · 03/12/2024 10:46

@tellmesomethingtrue stop taking legal advice from your ex.

If he wants 50/50 then you go for 70/30 in YOUR favour and work back from there. You get the house sold and split the proceedings and you get a share of his pension as YOU have been the primary parent all along.

Plan your job and life as if he isn't in the picture because you know you can't relay on him to pick up and drop off the kids.

Have you spoken to your solicitor about getting an occupation order? Do that ASAP.

Stop giving him an inch as he's taking a mile from you instead. He is the enemy now. Stop making life easier on him and harder on yourself.

RosieLeaf · 03/12/2024 10:47

You will be expected to maximise your income. Not liking your job is completely irrelevant.

LemonTT · 03/12/2024 11:07

What you have to come to terms with is that the here and now arrangements aren’t sustainable unless you are very wealthy.

Working part time as a choice will limit your housing options. You might not like the idea of wrap around care but it exists. It is a fortunate thing that your ex is able to take out to do pick ups. But most people can’t and employers are becoming less and less flexible about people who WFH doing this. It may not be sustainable for him either to not use the wrap around care.

vivainsomnia · 03/12/2024 12:39

If tour argument fir continuing to work PT is that you don't have childcare for the days you have them, 50% of the time, you need to be prepared to evidence that there really is no childcare available, in the very near future, but also in the not so near.

It would need to be THE real holdback rather than you not wanting to work more hours because you don't like your job.

It's a hard reality but one that needs to be faced during a divorce.

Original poster
tellmesomethingtrue · 03/12/2024 13:29

millymollymoomoo · 03/12/2024 07:33

You will end up with a 2 bed terrace because of your refusal to work full time! If it goes to court you’ll be assessed and the settlement will reflect what you could earn full time, not a part time wage and expect him to lose more through your choices.

i don’t know the back story and amounts of money involved but if you want more money to afford more things you need to work full time, or if you can afford to work pt abc get benefit top ups. You won’t get a 60:40 split because you work pt ( of course there might be other factors to help justify that I don’t know here )

What are my kids supposed to do from 3 until I finish my 'full time' hours at 5 then? I'm not refusing. I was offered a full time job earlier this year.

OP posts:
OhBling · 03/12/2024 13:38

Your solicitor is going for what he/she thinks she can get you and his what he thinks he can get him.

If you're going to do 50/50 then why is it your problem how the kids are looked after after school? I'd be pointing out to him that if he wants 50/50 assets and children, then hen eeds to know that he'll be doing the post-school runs on his days and organising childcare.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/12/2024 13:44

He can’t stop you from divorcing him and you can listen to the advice you’re paying for and ignore him. Your lawyer knows the full circumstances, let them to their job and disengage from your ex.

OhBling · 03/12/2024 13:47

Also, I imagine your solicitoro will be thinking about his pension, and that your career/working prospects have been damaged by you needing to take on the bulk of the childcare over the years etc.

millymollymoomoo · 03/12/2024 14:00

You are expected to use wrap around care, after school clubs, childminders etc - same as everyone

RosieLeaf · 03/12/2024 14:28

tellmesomethingtrue · 03/12/2024 13:29

What are my kids supposed to do from 3 until I finish my 'full time' hours at 5 then? I'm not refusing. I was offered a full time job earlier this year.

Show quote history

Childcare… like millions of others do.

RandomMess · 03/12/2024 15:16

If the DC are living 50:50 with each of you he is responsible for their childcare on his days which means those days you can work before and after school- it is no longer your issue.

TheFormidableMrsC · 03/12/2024 15:39

Stop speaking to him. He's putting things in your head and you're reacting. As the primary carer, I'd expect you to get a bigger settlement, yes 50/50 is the starting point but I'd be going for 70/30 in your favour. It sounds to me like he's trying to stall things. Don't engage with it. You can divorce him and there is fuck all he can do about it. Let your solicitor look after you.

millymollymoomoo · 03/12/2024 15:55

Op will still be assessed on a ft income potential