CMS advice to DH

[FallenFigs]

Me again...

SthxH has kids 40%, I have made a claim to the CMS as he was paying each month, has stopped etc etc.

The amount is pro-rata'd because he has them some nights. He currently pays pocket money, a few other bits. I pay some sports clubs, all school lunches etc (even on the days they go from his house etc). He has said the CMS have told him that because he is, or will be, paying CMS, that he doesn't need to pay anything else AT ALL for the kids.

In effect, that I should pay all costs for the kids. Even things like sports clubs on the weekends he has them, lunches for school on days they go from his house. I know this isn't right, but unfortunately as they have told him this, he will now only do that.

I would understand if they were with me 100% and he paid me 100%, but it is pro-rata'd down to account for the fact he has some responsibility too. How on earth can I get him to understand this? As it's really very frustrating.

God this is so sad. He can well afford 50%. You have to have an awful lot of dignity to be able to suck it up, and not let on to the kids.

DH tells the kids he gives me all his money. I think it would find this easier to stomach if he was a less of a twat about it. Sorry.

How can I send them to school with no uniform on? They wear uniform to school, they go to his house in uniform.

I didn't know they were teenagers or go to his house straight from school. Sorry for asking. 🙄

Well he's also trying to say he should have them 50/50 so he doesn't have to pay anything.

That would be much worse, I think. I'd still have to do 100% of the 'project management' with less time with the kids to do that (exam support, as an example). I suppose my food bill would be less, but not enough to make a difference. And I'd still have to battle with him over every 'extra-curricular' cost.

Ha that's ok, I didn't make it clear. It's my overall frustration with this system.

He needs to adequately provide for his children when their in his care that includes clothing them!

If he won’t pay half on things, eg clubs, camps, sports, and you can’t afford to pay all of it, then the kids give up those things. Sad but reality. He’s a disgrace

Given they are teenagers not little kids, why don’t you just tell them the truth? “Actually Dad only gives me exactly £X per month which is Y% of his income and actually does not even cover Z% of our costs”.

People are saying he doesn’t have to provide uniform for them when they are at his house but this is wrong. He has a legal obligation to provide them with adequate food, clothing and shelter and not doing so is neglect.

Both parents are responsible for their own child when they have their child. Is he really that unreasonable to go half on uniform OP? If so the extra curriculum activities will have to be cut down and perhaps the children won't be able to have as many over night stays if he can't provide adequately at his house!

No way would i be giving the kids dinner money on his days!

I am thinking about this. I might draw them a pie chart. He is a disgrace. Basically he got in a bunch of debt, which is why he is doing this. Except he omits then when he tells this kids he 'gives me all his money'. AND the credit card company.

He wasn't, until he spoke to the CMS who have said 'he doesn't need to pay anything else, that I have to buy/pay for everything' because he 'pays me'.

@FallenFigs Can you send them with a lunch?

Of course it is neglect, but would anyone do anything about it?
Other than the OP stepping up and making sure her kids aren't neglected.

Not the days they go from his house. I was loading up for dinner money for a week for them, as he was giving them pocket money of about the same amount, so it was a reasonable 50/50 trade off. But now he's stopped that I won't continue with the dinner money.

This is the thing isn't it, how to manage him without it impacting on the kids...

@Anotherworrier I agree he does have a legal obligation. There's nobody that can enforced this and as OPs kids are teens. She needs to be Frank with the kids and explain to them about money.

I suppose if it did become 50/50 he would at least have to top telling them he 'gives me all his money'. Then they'd see how fricking useless he is with money, for a start.

Out of interest, what level of detail would you go to? I have avoided this so far, as in, if they have explained what he's said, I've just said, that's not totally correct, and left it at that.

He's correct. So long as he pays the minimum CMS say that's all he needs to pay.

Why do you believe what you ex is saying about the CMS ? You are divorcing for a reason and since you involved the CMS I assume that there’s some sort of financial abuse. A person like that will be motivated to lie for revenge.

Your ex is only responsible for paying CMS and costs when the kids are with him. So he should pay for some uniform when the kids are with him and school lunches on his day. He is allowed to say no to expenses like extra curriculars and school trips so you either pay from CM or say no to the kids. He can also legitimately tell the kids that they need to take a packed lunch on his day.

Ok. What about school essentials? As in, expenses from school that are over and above but not as much as a camp? Trips and such like? I say no to them? Or we pay depending on whose day they fall on?

He's called them to dispute some of the claim. They've then given him this info about what CM 'should' be for.

I think very factually saying something like "dad transfers me £x towards your costs (don't say dad pays me, you are just the conduit for the money to them), our actual household costs are £y, so I make up the difference. The amount he pays is reduced by CMS because you stay with him z nights a week, this is so that he can cover your costs on those days."

@FallenFigs the absolutely truth! My ex has been recently messing around with money and paid £0 the last 7 months. He only does EOW. My DC is nearly 10 and I told him mainly because it's a new issue he used to pay like clockwork.

He's so tight things like trips to the cinema, swimming lessons it's me who pays for all things like that. Your kids are old enough don't cover for their father. I tell DS as it's not the way I would want him to treat any woman just because they maybe no longer in a relationship. Not to mention its totally immoral.

Hmmm, he is a shit with telling them things and I'm not sure I want be drawn into it - who earns more, why etc. I'm not sure it's information that will help them.

I do think I will explain to them how I manage what I earn, and how the CMS fits into this. With proportions. I save hard to take them on holiday, and he tells them I can only do that because he 'subsidises me'.