Task/Time Tracking to prove we don't have a 50/50 split

[SoloMe]

I've recently separated from my partner. Still living in the same house. Have an almost teenager who will be moving out with me once I find/buy a house elsewhere.

My ex is adamant that he has done his fair share of childcare/parenting over the years and wants to go forward with a 50/50 split of custody. However he has NOT done a fair share and we definitely do NOT have a 50/50 split now or will have going forwards.

I need to call the Child Maintenance Services and clarify a way to move forwards as I know he's going to make things difficult and dig his heels in. I need to find out what is the right way to proceed that has our child's best interests at heart not simply what he wants.

He works ft whereas I am self employed and work from home so that I can always be here for our child.

A few friends have suggested I start tracking everything I do and everything he does with regards to parenting and hands on childcare time etc to prove its not a 50/50 split at the moment.

Are there any good apps that I could use to log tasks/time of two individuals so that I could show a comparison of time spent etc??

Also looking for real life examples of how others deal with custody. Child will be with me M-F because of his school schedule and I don't want that dusrupted, but then is it fair that he spends every w/e (leisure time) with his dad?

Can he call me out and say that most of M-F the child is at school and therefore those hours aren't included??? (Something he has pointed out more than once!)

Help.....

Not sure an app will help you here. He will just dispute the results.

The best way is to show him. By stopping doing what you do on "his" days. By stopping doing all the thinking for him.

Put him on the school email list and don't tell him about school events. It's up to him to remember. Don't do his laundry. Don't do laundry for your son when it's stbx days. Don't make food for him. If it's his day to look after DS then don't be working from home or available to cover sickness. Don't pick up DS from school etcetera

you have a teenager OP what do they want - because they are old enough to decide. Also you cannot have him have every weekend. He can’t argue that the weekdays don’t count and then demand all the other time

stop doing anything for him now

She said almost teenager. But yes, their preference here is going to be increasingly relevant.

OP the current setup is coming to an end. You can monitor activities and there might be some relevance. However not that much for an almost teen who doesn’t need a lot of hands on care. Plus he will state that once separated things will be different.

You both work FT and you both need to adjust you life for school drop offs and pick ups. You both have to find evening and weekend time to spend with your child. You both need to allow and facilitate your child’s right to have time with the other parent.

There is a bond and love between the child and both of you. Which needs to be respected. Along with spending time at school and with friends they need time with their other parent. They need the emotional security of a commitment that is more than a few days a month with a parent.

My advice would be to have an open mind and agree to mediation to resolve this. Listen to your child and be willing to compromise. All children want out of a parental split is for the fighting to not happen or for it to stop. The best thing you can do now is settle this well.

Thanks for the info. I should've stated I don't know what the acronyms on here mean. What is OP? Our son is 12 and yes I agree, he needs to have a say on where he lives, where he spends his time and its not all about what my ex wants. I have no intention of cuttinv him out of our lives, I just want him to understand that my new house will be our don's primary address, I will be the primary carer and it isn't possible to do a 50/50 split.

It is possible to do 50/50 if that’s what DS wants or a court decides.

I'd give him 50:50. You do Monday and Tuesday night drop to school Wednesday morning. . The be can do Wednesday and Thursday night drop to school Friday morning and then do alternate Friday, Saturday, Sunday night. That way, you both get equal weekends and down time.

However, 50:50 means he is fully responsible for everything in his days. That includes school uniform, meals, pick ups, drop offs, after-school clubs, homework, sickness cover, holiday cover, etc. On his day, patenting is his problem in it entirety.

They all talk shirt about wanting 50:50 but realistically they don't actually want the actual work involved.

Why?

It sounds like you're understandably worried that 50/50 will be mean no CM. Is that the real issue?

Why not?

OP means Original Poster ie you @SoloMe

Have you asked your son ?
Three people I know currently doing 50/50 do a week each with changeover on a Sunday night.
One couple very rigid. One a bit more casual around swaps / birthdays etc.
He obviously needs to live near enough to facilitate this.

You can do 50 50 and courts will award if Dad says he wants that. Why would it disrupt school ? Only if ex is living far away otherwise it's perfectly possible.
He shouldn't get every weekend that's not fair. Also that's not 50 50 !
Go to mediation and go prepared with options. Make sure ex knows 50 50 means absolutely everything. Pick up from school, drop at clubs, school holidays etc. If DS is sick and it's his day. Then he has to cover the sickness care etc

I think what the OP means is that you can say all you like it’s 50/50 but she will end up doing more and she wants that to be recognised in terms of maintenance or otherwise. I supposedly do 50/50 but my ex does what he pleases and I do more with no financial support. Realistically there is nothing that can be doe about this which doesn’t penalize the child. I can’t withdraw my support of my kids on “his” days because they need it. They come to me for everything - admin, emotional support, money, clothes, help with activities, all of it. They take their clothes from his house to mine for me to wash because he doesn’t get around to it, or ruins things. I can’t say no because I can’t say “I don’t care about your school trip / clothes / dance class / whatever”

imo it is a huge problem that women’s typically greater contribution to parenting in “50/50” arrangements is not recognized or funded. I also find it disappointing that mn can be in denial about it

He works full time. Leaves house at 8.30am and doesn't get home until 7pm. He couldn't have our son during the week because of this. Or would have to arrange childcare for the hours after school everyday. Why put our son through this???

We will be living in different towns. 20min drive between. The high school my son goes to is where I intend to move to.

I am concerned about maintenance payments too as I am on a very low income.

Maybe he’s willing to change his hours to accommodate 50/50, you don’t know. I really wouldn’t tell him, DS or anyone else that equally split care isn’t possible or that you’d resist it to get more child support. It doesn’t centre the needs of your son.

He may decide he is happy for son to be without childcare it won't be unusual for a secondary aged child.

Courts will apply 50/50 because it is reasonable at 12 not so much so with a breastfeeding toddler.

I wouldn't be counting on CMS at all. I would be sitting down and capturing all costs relevant to your son and dividing that between ye as that's likely what will need to happen.

What has your husband said his plan is when you.move and it's 50/5, how will he work out these issues? Ask him for a tangible plan and then point out what won't work. He will probably realise it'll cost him more to do 50/50 as you won't be on hand anymore. I get what you mean about not putting your child through it but if you go to court this will be discussed. Unless your son explicitly states he doesn't want 50/50. To also add, your son is 12 so your husband will argue that's not an issue and he can be home alone. How does your son currently get to and from school?

At 12, your son doesn’t need childcare to be at home alone for a while before and after school, assuming no additional needs.

He may need transport to and from school though - that is on your soon to be ex (STBX) to sort out if so

You need the book Fair Play!

Just to clarify, Child Maintenance is based on the number of nights (they aren't interested in the split of the workload so there's no point tracking that).

When I split with ex-husband, he was earning significantly more than me. We agreed 3 nights at his, 4 at mine so financially it was a little more even...he was responsible for childcare costs on his days so had to pay that to me on top of the maintenance (we had this drawn up in financial settlement of divorce because childcare setting wouldn't do split bills).

Once they were teenagers, they made their own decisions about where to be. What does your child want?

I've found i still do far more of the admin as the school/colleges don't seem well set up for having 2 parents on mailing lists.

Additionally CM is based on nights with each parent, not hours spent with child or doing child related tasks, so the task tracking is unlikely to help you.

I suspectyou're completely right that it is not 50/50 now. But he will have a strong argument to say he wants 50/50 going forward. There are a few aspects to this however that he may not have considered and you should point out:

eg, on his nights, he would be responsible for ensuring your DS gets home from school, is appropriately supervised (if necessary), fed, homework etc. Also, taken to/from any activities he may attend. Then, the following morning, he'd need to be responsible for getting your DS to school. It might well be that he does that by bus/train and makes other plans, but has he thought about it at all? eg I've seen lots of women on here who find themselves still doing school pick up, after school snack, homework monitoring and then dad swoops in at 7pm to colelct and take back to his house... Bollocks to that

50/50 also (should) m ean he takes on half responsibility for all the other things - does he have PE kit/uniform? Is it clean? Does it fit? Are his vaccines up to date? Does he have a dental check up booked? What social/extra curricular is happening over the weekends that need to be accomodated? etc etc.

If you don't do 50/50, no, it would be ridiculous for him to have every weekend. Every other weekend and some week nights probably better.

It sounds like you will both have to make big changes , but if he wants 50:50 it will happen that way unless there exceptional reasons why not.

Totally unreasonable for ex to have all the weekends

Could you earn more money if you got FT employment?

Ask him what will happen in holidays (it’s a long day for dc home alone age 12).

Yes it may not be practical for him to do 50 50 but don't go in all guns blazing telling him that it won't work.
Go and ask questions, ask him how he'll cover drop off and pick up. Ask him how he will cover school holidays how he will cover sickness.

If you go 50/50 then there’s more time for you to work more hours to build up your income? I think as the son is 12 he needs asking where he would like to live and how much time he’d like at each house and see if it can be done. I don’t agree with just dismissing it as it can’t be done when you’ve not really asked or looked into how it would work

This stood out for me:

I just want him to understand that my new house will be our don's primary address, I will be the primary carer and it isn't possible to do a 50/50 split.

You need to realise that you aren’t the most important parent and you can’t dictate. You are both equal.

Why will YOUR house be the primary residence? Because YOU have decided?

Why will YOU be the primary carer? Men are also more than capable.

Why can’t your son have a 50:50 split? Because you are on a low income and want the maintenance? Don’t rely on a man or maintenance to top up your income.

The court will start at 50:50 and contact / maintenance is based on overnights.

My advice would be - make everything child focused and don’t sweat the small stuff. If your child is 12 - you have 6 more years of co parenting. By being petty now - it will make things difficult and the only person who suffers is the child.