My husband left me and my son 7days ago

[JadePerri]

I had been with my husband since 2011 and he was is the love of my life. I had our son in 2014 the build up was awful as he didn’t want a baby and refused to touch me even after he was born he didn’t want to touch me I asked him that if he wanted to leave please go as I didn’t want him trapped. Years later life was good he proposed and we got married in 2021 then may 2023 I caught him sexting a girl he dated/slept with before we got together. He refused to show me the text messages and said he would be embraced. Over the last years since that I’ve tried my best to to over come the betrayal and grief that caused I’ve gone to counselling and I’ve had the doctor up my antidepressants so I could over come. We started having more intimacy then this year it stopped he went distance again I’ve asked so many times are we ok and is he ok and evertime he would say we are fine and he’s invested we started going fishing together we would have a good time but he didn’t want to do family things saying he hated family stuff and that our boy was trying to replace him and that he fancied me and my mother and son bond was odd and made him uncomfortable making it sound strange. I’ve tried so hard to try and listen and take everything on abroad to make him happy but Monday I came home from work after he had ignored me all day to find him in the kitchen telling me he was leaving and it was all my fault that I hadn’t been nice to him over the years and he hadn’t been in love with me for a while. This has broken me he told me he was moving out so I packed his clothes and he was annoyed with me because he wanted to take a bag at a time and go through it I went in a safe that he had in our bedroom cupboard and he had the girls number he cheated with written on a lotto ticket dated from 2014. I told him I had looked and he was deeply offended and I had over stepped the mark going in there and he wanted in his words to fucking head butt me I’ve never spoken to him in a disrespectful way but I screamed for him to get out the house he did. He blames me for him cheating that I hadn’t pushed him into and that my dad who I was really close with that passed away would have stood with him and his choice to leave after I’ve been asking is he ok l. I’ve never felt as lonely and unseen as I have for the last year but apparently it’s all my fault things I’ve done in the past made big things and I’m not capable of change and he needs to put his happiness first now. He’s always told me he hates our boy and can’t wait for him to be 18 so he again in his words can fuck off. I’ve put up with so much and I’m so stupid because I want him to come home. Why can someone you love so much hurt you in this way

So he's gone, yes? You and your son are better off without him. It does sound as though you have a trauma bond to this man. Please seek help urgently from Women's Aid or Refuge to deal with this. Do not take him back, it would place you both at enormous risk.

Because I loved him and I wanted to have the same surname as my family I wouldn't have married him if he had always been like this literally 2023 he's just got more and more vile. He's blamed me for our dog running half the kitchen floor and I wanted the dogs but he's taken them out more he doesn't care if our dogs died and it's my fault he feels like that. I've never nagged him he starts jobs in the house and doesn't finish them there loads that need to be finished every Saturday morning he would go to a old farmers house and help with his jobs and be there for hours every single Wednesday/Thursday he goes to his friends house and doesn't come home until the early hours and I never complain it hurt inside but I never whinged and nagged

I’m sorry and your son have been treated this way and he sounds awful but I have to ask, why did you have a child with him when you are open and he was open that “he didn’t want a baby”

@JadePerri uou say a lot about how this effects you, all the other things about animals and decorating the house etc. I find it so bizarre that your son seems to be little more than a passing mention.

he never wanted the child
he is jealous of the mother / child bond.
he has no doubt never really hid the disdain he feels for his own child..

how old is your poor son?

get this man out of your child’s life.

does your son really want to stay with him? Mine didn’t want to stay at his dad’s from the age of 9. The judges listened (there were other issues as well) and whilst he could have contact there were no overnights.

report any threats about yours or your sons safety to the police before he carries it out one day.

be the mother your child needs.

Good God, he's disgusting. He's literally a freak...he's jealous of his own son, how can you say this man is the love of your life...it sounds like you don't know what a healthy relationship looks like. Don't let him back in, you will have a much more peaceful life for it and your poor son won't have to put up with this man's contempt any longer!

Your husband is revolting and makes my flesh crawl

Get to a solicitor and sort out your options but get him gone or it'll cost you a fortune in therapy for your son when he's older.

He's a vile piece of shit.

He doesn't love you, never has. He's a vile, abusive, asshole and you and your son are better away from him. He's never got over the ex, he's still in love with her and he'll try and be with her and if that fails he'll try crawling back..ATM he's re writing history of how you are the bad guy ect, but that's because he wants to be with her

What is wrong with you?

Never mind the DIY - he is vile to your child

He needs to go - for good

And you probably won't have to share custody

I've read some things on here but this is one of the worst.

You may feel sad today but the rest of your life (and certainly your son's) will be infinitely better.

Not treading on eggs shells and constantly trying to appease him will have been weighing on you.

Get through the next week and you will start to feel better. You just need to take a day at a time to get there.

Ive kept my son safe I've always been the the default parent from the first time bringing him home I've done everything and he's always been working and not home. I've taken him on holidays and bought his Christmas and birthday school clothes all his normal clothes he's bought the odd bits. I've told him I didn't agree with his parenting style and he's using it against me he wasn't always like this the reason we had a baby was we got pregnant and he wanted me to abortion and I said I was going to keep the baby but if he didn't want to be here then please leave and he never did. He became my new normal when my dad was alive he wasn't like this and my dad always said don't break my son's character and I never have I always wanted him to be who he's supposed to be my husband hates that but he's just got more and more that he wants his own way when he took his gadgets off him and the light bulbs I wasn't apart of that decision I came home and he had taken them he didn't tell me where they was. I gave him everything back Monday evening and that really pissed him off that I'm still going against him

Keeping him safe would have been getting rid of his abusive, wierd dad ...being around someone like that is damaging. He thinks his 10 year old child is a narcissist and that he has a wierd relationship with you, it's messed up!

I’m so stupid because I want him to come home

Why?

Look, the only way he's coming back is if you give up your kid.

If you're not willing to do that then find your anger and start the divorce.

You and your bairn don't need this specimen.

I've so badly wanted a happy family and for him to change me and my boy are going to be better without him in needed the outlet today as he's making me feel crazy for dealing with this. Gaslighting me and stone walling. My husbands twin sister died when she was 6 and he had been in the hospital room when it happened and how said how it had shut him down as a child he was reserved and his mam was horrible to him and made him feel like it should have been him that died not his sister he hasn't bothered with his mother in about 7-8years she never tried to be in my sons life she's cut her self off from her family and I always thought he's had a tough upbringing that's why he's different to me and if I showed him how my mam and dad had been he would be happy. The ex was someone he was sleeping with whilst he had a girlfriend and she had a boyfriend and she didn't want to leave her boyfriend at the time she now has a daughter

As all pp have said in one way or another.
He's an out and out abuser get him out of yours and your boy's lives.

He's taken him to McDonald's nearly a hour ago he said with out me
He can have a better relationship with him I'll ask him when he comes home
If the time with his dad was ok. I've always made sure my
Boy has had love and affection from me and always tried for my husband to see how fantastic our son is and always been. I must be a really stupid woman who has been so desperate for my family to be a family and to have a great dad for my boy like my dad was. I have anxiety and depression and undiagnosed adhd 3 years ago since referral for it. I've been grieving such a long time and I've been struggling to deal with everything but I have always put my
Son first and dealt with the long speech's of my
Husbands view on life and everything.

Your husband thinks your son fancies you??? Christ he's not normal.

Seriously, he's never going to change. Ever. He's not a nice man, the man he is now is the man he has always been, it's just now that he has met the other woman he's letting it show.

This reads like you want him back and would let him back if he clicked his finger. Don't let him. He is abusing you but worse, he's abusing your little boy. I have a DS the same age and there is no way I would let his dad take his lightbulbs and let him live in the dark. It's pitch black at 5.30 here. How does he get ready for bed or do his reading? Poor little mite is probably terrified living with that waste of space.

You want to give your husband the family he never had growing up but he doesn't want it, he wants to live the single life so let him. Please get him out if your life for your sons sake of nothing else. I know it's hard when they have spent years breaking you down but you can do it. You have to put your son first. You will be so much happier. I know from experience. Please put yourself and your son first and get away from this abusive monster.

My husbands twin sister died when she was 6 and he had been in the hospital room when it happened and how said how it had shut him down as a child he was reserved and his mam was horrible to him and made him feel like it should have been him that died not his sister he hasn't bothered with his mother in about 7-8 years she never tried to be in my sons life she's cut her self off from her family and I always thought he's had a tough upbringing that's why he's different to me and if I showed him how my mam and dad had been he would be happy. The ex was someone he was sleeping with whilst he had a girlfriend and she had a boyfriend and she didn't want to leave her boyfriend at the time she now has a daughter

Frankly, who gives a shit? Lots of people have hard times growing up, but they don't tell their sons they hate them.

If this is real (which I sincerely doubt, no one is this stupid in real life) thank your lucky stars he's fucked off, change the locks and focus on your son. Stop banging on about this loser.

He only told me he hated him not to my son my thinks my son hates him too it's so fucked up

How did life get so messed up

Whilst he may have issues in his own background that can explain some of his behaviour - that is no excuse .
I hope you accept in time that the less time you and your son spend in your husband's company , the better. He has been horribly emotionally abusive and has the potential to be so to his son too.

I hope that he gets fed up with maintaining a realtionship with his son . If there is another woman involved with him , he may be maintaining the relationship with his son to look like a decent father .
You have to realise that you cannot trust this man at all and do everything you can to protect you and your son .
Get legal advice , if it is a joint property you should not change the locks without checking with your solicitor what steps you can take .

He may take great pleasure in the future in trying to alienate your son from you .
I know you loved him and you are in pain and disbelief currently . It does seem however that you have a strong family network and you should seek them out to provide support for you going forward .

Take care .

Monday when he left he wanted us to remain friends and said he didn't see a future for us. Monday I felt weaker I wanted to beg him to stay I made myself not but over the week he's been so horrible that it's really opened my eyes to the person I thought he was and who he is now. I have always appreciated and loved him and never wanted him to be anything but happy but he's made me feel or tried to make me feel like everything thing he's done in the house was for me the log burner the kitchen jobs new boiler he's doing it and I'm draining him financial. I don't know why he couldn't be honest and told
Me he wanted to go last year. He shouted at me Friday when he was getting his stuff that he doesn't fucking care what I had to say and hasn't text good night or said he loves me and stopped with the kisses in the messages which he was still
Doing much to my confusion he came for the boy early and sat outside in his car and then dropped him off and did the same like he is a stranger

I am so sorry that you are having a really hard time . Days in and it will still be very raw for you . It will continue to be an emotional roller coaster for you . Try and limit contact with him as this will only make it more difficult for you .

You need to lean on family & friends in real life to get some support . You need to make sure you eat and keep hydrated to keep your energy up .
I think it is an automatic reaction to try and want to go back to what life was like before he told you / you found out . You can't unfortunately turn back time and it seems like he may have already moved on or have feelings for someone else .
He may have acted so cruelly towards you because of " cognitive dissonance " where he is trying to convince himself that he isn't the " baddie " in the situation and it is you who acted badly / did things for the relationship to break down . This is not the case here at all . It is his behaviour and actions that have caused the relationship to break down . You should not feel guilty , you tried your best to keep the family together .

It does seem that for a long while you have been the one putting your all into the relationship and he wasn't doing very much . This cannot be sustainable long term , you cannot fix a broken relationship all by yourself .

He has treated you appallingly , whatever the reason for this . I think you need to think of your son and that you do not want to show him that this is what a relationship should be like .

I've always believed that good people can make bad choices and say bad things but it doesn't make them bad or evil. He's previously been wonderful caring loving I felt loved and I've wanted no one else. Have I made him this way did I not listen did I make him so unhappy that I've made everything worse. I want him to get help with how he feels about our boy and how he's lost interest in everything I really don't think he's a terrible person he's got the capacity to be a wonderful dad he just needs help to accomplish that and realise where he's been going wrong have I made him the villain and me the victim there's two sides to every story and I wish mine was a much happier story and it wasn't so upsetting and rubbish we didn't always have a toxic relationship I'm just so confused of how it's become like this and how I've stayed so quiet and haven't confronted it before he cheated and before he left he said he's tried talking to me in the past and genuinely I can't remember.

I just want him to be happy I want my son to be happy and feel loved and have a father that I know deep down he can be. I'm gutted he doesn't love me anymore and I'm hurting and he hates me and hates me even more this week because this is such a shit situation

just stop glossing over his behaviour and making excuses.

How he’s behaved in his worst moments - that’s his true colours. Stop wondering how he could be ‘fixed’.

just because he can be wonderful and caring when he wants, when things are going his way etc doesn’t make him a good person. How he reacts when he’s not getting his own way, the words he throws around like weapons about you and his son.. that’s who he is.

stop caring so much about your husband and how he feels or might feel or could feel..

Look at your son and ask yourself if you would be happy if he grew up to be a cat on copy of his father.

If your son treated a partner and his own child the same way your husband has - how would you feel? If your DIL took all the blame for his behaviour would you agree with her or tell her it’s not her fault.

Right now look at the love your son has for you and you him. Look at the kind of life you want to model for your child. Do you want him to see a happy, healthy mother in a stable home with no at atmosphere lingering? Or in a home with a father who switches from liking to disliking him, with a mother that’s always tip toeing around his fathers moods and emotions and always trying ‘to make it up’ to her son when his fathers gone over the top with his words or punishments - again.

He's said that he would kill himself if we broke up last year there was no life with out me and my son. Now he said if he stays I've made him want to kill himself having the life he never wanted. Last thing I want is for him to do this he's always said when he was trying to make me see if something made him unhappy or something he didn't want that he would hang himself in the cupboard. He's said I've never support him and never been there for him. But he knows I'm a nice person and haven't gone out my way to make him unhappy

He's not going to kill himself ffs 🙄

Stop worrying about trying to make him happy. You can't. You need to start worrying about your son. Get some legal advice and get your living situation sorted out. Work on getting this vile excuse of a man out of you and your sons life.