Devastated by separation through my own fault

[HopelessDreamer]

Last night I came clean to my partner about my gambling addiction. It had gotten out of hand and was eating me up and I had to tell him. I knew he would be angry and not react well but I'm devastated now he has finished with me and told me he is 100% done he can't trust me anymore and wants nothing more to do with me.

We have two young children 3yr and 1yr. I don't know what to do I'm so angry with myself and upset. I've taken all of the steps to deal with my addiction, using gamstop to ban any gambling apps or sites from my phone and told my banks not to authorise any gambling transactions.

I totally understand how angry he is and why, and I deserve it but I just feel so helpess now and upset for our kids etc. I know it's all my fault but I want him to understand it is a serious addiction and it's not the real me I'm not a bad person.

I'm hoping over time we may be able to reconcile but I don't know, am I stupid to think this? We have to live together he is saying he is going to move out if he can bug said for me to go this evening when he gets in and come back in the morning before he leaves for work. This won't be sustainable forever more surely. I'm a mess I don't know what to do I just want to fix this.

Can you honestly blame him though? He probably doesn't want to fix it. You need to give him space.

It's probably a long game thing. Show him you're serious and actually stop gambling. He doesn't have to support you through it. I wouldn't stay with my husband while he was in the clutches of a serious addiction.

But no you leaving and coming back isn't sustainable. If he needs space then something workable needs to be sorted out.

He’s angry. You need to talk once he has calmed down. He can’t ’have nothing to do with you’ and you can’t just leave the house every night (where would you go?) as you are the mother of his children. Can you demonstrate you are getting support to deal with the addiction? Is there an equivalent of AA?

www.nhs.uk/live-well/addiction-support/gambling-addiction/

I would give him time. He may be afraid of being financially ruined if he reconciles with you too soon, especially as gambling is not easy to overcome. Work on your addiction and prove yourself through your actions and money management going forward.

Sounds like he has just got to the end of his rope with you. I bet this has been going on for a long time, addictions like these don’t start overnight.

Agree you’ve got to show him you’ve stopped gambling. Right now he’s probably too angry to listen and you can’t fight emotion with logic.

Let him calm down and tell him all the steps you’re taking to quit.

What was the financial damage? This may also be driving a sense of fear in your DH if it was significant.

I had a family member in your shoes and I have a lot of sympathy for you.

There seem to be a spate of these threads atm. Posters confessing money related things to their partners…

How much are you gambling OP?

I genuinely think that online gambling should be banned. It’s far too easy to get into and to get hooked. And there’s virtually no regulation.

Don’t be ridiculous. You have children ages 1 and 3. Do not leave that house. Tell him that if he isn’t happy and wants to end your relationship over this then he is the one that leaves. Do not leave your children or the house.

I’m sorry but him asking you to leave overnight when you have 2 very young children is crazy. I’d be telling him to do one if I were you. Don’t let him manipulate you.

Are you in debt?

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and start to look at it from his perspective. Your addiction has caused this.

You’ve got a world of making up to do and he may or may not come round.

It depends if it is out of the blue for him , or had you told him you'd stopped ? If so that's the deceit that done it.
Always how much debt has it racked up ? And what steps are you doing to get rid of it ? Had you been using money that should be for other things , are you struggling to make ends meet whilst still doing it ?
Your relationship may well be over , but that is no reason to stop trying not to gamble . Be honest to yourself and also to those around you .

It is the real you. The real you is an addict, and you need to face this. You can move towards and into recovery but you need to put the work in. Putting practical stops on yourself is only a part of the process. You need to engage with the other support out there however difficult it is. Your DH may need to consider doing this himself ( for him ). This is vital for you regardless of what happens in your marriage but I expect your DH might pay more attention to your actions rather than just your words of regret.

This.

If a bloke were on here admitting this, he'd be absolutely slaughtered by Mumsnet. Lots of good riddance comments etc.

OP is delusional if she thinks she can fix this.

How much have you been spending?
Quite a significant amount?
What sort of gambling? X

I've taken all of the steps to deal with my addiction, using gamstop to ban any gambling apps or sites from my phone and told my banks not to authorise any gambling transactions.

Sounds like all you have done is take the very first preliminary steps to start dealing with your addiction, not even close to “all the steps”. Have you joined Gamblers Anonymous? Do you have a sponsor? A recovery plan? A way to start making back the money you have gambled away?

I know it's all my fault but I want him to understand it is a serious addiction and it's not the real me I'm not a bad person.

If it is not the real you gambling, who is it? You are minimizing your addiction and your responsibility (most addicts do) and expecting him to fast forward to a place that you can only earn back slowly over years, if he wants to give you that chance.

He may not, of course. My ex had a hidden spending addiction, and it wasnt just the loss of the money that meant it was over forever for me as soon as I found out.

It was the realization/recognition of his deep selfishness, the many many lies told with a straight face and even gaslighting to make me think I was the one with issues, the things my children missed out on, the crankiness with me and the kids when he hadn’t had his fix, the defensiveness and evasiveness when talking about money, the dismissiveness when I expressed concern about how much stuff he had, the blame-shifting and implications that somehow his unhappiness with me caused his actions, the risk it posed to my financial future.

He too made all the big promises about how he’d hit rock bottom and although it was shameful for him, he was grateful it was all out in the open and he was going to be a changed man from that day on, he’d never go back to that dark place again…

Blah fucking blah. He was right back at it just a
couple of years on, plain as day to see, even though I keep him at arm’s length. Weakness is the primary characteristic of an addict. Either get honest with yourself about the reality of your choices and get serious about getting into and staying in recovery every day for the rest of your life, or you’ll ruin every relationship you ever have, including with your kids.

Of all the addictions, for me gambling is the one I would have to leave over. It has the ability to completely ruin your family financially. I would support someone through drugs/alcohol, but I would run for the hills if my husband had a gambling problem.

I’m sorry if that sounds harsh, but you should understand the ramifications. You need to find support for your addiction, he needs to protect his family’s future.

You are the primary carer of those children. You made a mistake and are getting help. He does not get to demand that you leave the family home and your children who are very young! I’d speak to a solicitor if I were you.

It’s really pisses me off when addicts try to remove themselves from the result of their actions.

I’m not unsympathetic to the fact that addiction is an illness, but the effects of addiction inevitably make a massive impact on everyone else.

I disagree. I think the victim of someone else’s addiction gets to call all the shots. He’ll calm down I’m sure and see the impracticality of his idea, but the OP has no rights for indignation, at the moment.

She has 2 very young children. Let’s think about what’s best for them shall we!

OP you are not in the right place to seek advice.
You won’t get compassion or empathy on here.

Please don’t do as he says in the hope of salvaging the relationship. Put your kids needs first and they need their mum.

I’d say not having a parent who is gambling their livelihood away is probably what’s best and saying ‘there there, nasty husband is being a meany’ isn’t on or helpful.

How about some compassion for innocent victims of gambling? That’s the trouble with addicts. They always just feeling sorry for themselves.