How to start when finances are so unequal?

[wearwhatyoulike]

I've known I don't want to be married anymore for quite some time now. We both deserve and need different people. Nothing bad has happened, I just don't love him like he loves me (or a version of me). We met when very young; I've grown enormously and I'm quite different now. His career has grown enormously, but he has stayed the same. He is a friend but I can't see us together long term.

I hope for a no fault divorce. But what I'm stuck with is how to be financially independent - able to support myself and our x3 children enough, whilst assets are divided and we go through the process. He is a HNWI and I have been at home with the children. I have a little side business but no income that could pay rent etc. I'm in my 40s, have no savings, he pays my pension, health care, everything. As his wife, I'm very wealthy. No longer his wife, and financially I have nothing of my own. Over the years I've questioned this, I've been a "kept woman" and now I feel a fool. Many people would say I'm mad to leave what is, I'm well aware, an extremely privileged position. And yet I can't continue to ignore how unhappy I feel. Where do I start? It's been suggested that I get some legal information, perhaps from Amicable, but to do that I need to know the detail of the finances. But it's so complicated with investments and all sorts, and all managed by him, I don't have a clue. To find out what's what, of course I need to tell him but I'm not quite ready.

Has anyone been in this situation? Please be kind. I know it could sound like "poor little rich girl", but I've never felt the money and lifestyle has really been mine, whilst he's become more and more affluent and nowadays materialistic (which impacts on the boys). Any words of advice very welcome. Thank you x

You need all the details of finances and then you need a solicitor, there’s no way around that unfortunately

Does he know?

How high is high in terms of earnings?
how old are your children ?

@Mrsttcno1 ok, understood. The only way I can get this is to tell him. I don't understand where everything is, and even what it is. It makes me feel so stupid.

@dammit88 not explicitly, but deep down I think so. Will ask me as a joke if I want to leave.

@millymollymoomoo Well over a million in earnings and more in liquid assets. It makes me feel sick. A problem for us is how our values don't align on this.

You can speak to a solicitor before you ask him if you think it will help, but you will have to ask. Sorry what's a HNWI?

Ask for more information about financiers and photocopy everything.

you need to understand you family money - you could say you want to know if something happens to you or him -and then decide

you could also just ask him and ask him to be fair

I wouldn't leave in your circumstances. Why opt for a frugal difficult lifestyle when you're not used to it. But it is worth working out how much maintenance you will get, where you will live and if you can get a job and what salary.

@Pandasnacks 'high net worth individual'

Are you sure you need to leave the marriage , nothing bad had happen? He earns and he always will look < materialistic > to all of us who earn a fraction of this. Can you sign up to volunteer into helping the poor etc , so you feel you give something to the less privileged and may be even involve him? Is he that bad

to be married anymore for quite some time now. We both deserve and need different people.
Have you met someone?
How old are the dc? Why don't you look for even part time work?

@Viviennemary I do see your point, and it is scary. I don't come from the same economic background. I didn't grow up with money. But I've never been an "adult" without.

Tbh before looking at what are your assets etc… Id start with looking at what sort of jobs you can do.
The financial separation will give a house to live in (prob with a mortgage) but you will need to live from something.
Even assuming he will pay a very decent CM, at some point, you’ll need a job and an income.

So I’ll start there. What can you do? What do you want to do that will bring you a steady income rather than pocket money.

You'd likely get half. And then you could retrain. Work .. it's really not pleasant though - divorce. Although if he's a good man he may not be a d*ck about it. If he's not abusive and you have children I'd consider staying and working on ways to spice things up?

Get yourself a job, see how you like nit being ghe kept woman - before you make a final decision.

Could you start to look for a job? Did you leave school with no qualifications at all? What do you think you would be good at? If you divorce you'd get half the equity in the house, pension share with your DH and if you had the DC more than he did he'd have to pay you child maintenance for them. Do you have access to joint money? If you do could you squirrel a little away to go to see a solicitor without him knowing to give you more idea of what things might look like after a divorce?

I have a little side business but no income that could pay rent etc

That’s not going to get you very far on your own. I would be looking for a full time job asap.

How old are your children?

If there is no abuse and no fighting, I would start by getting a job. You are going to need one. You might as well get work and child care in place while you aren’t rushed.

no matter how amicable you think a spouse may be, I wouldn’t tell them you want a divorce until you are ready to actually separate. Even a few days staying in the same home can become unbearable and even the calmest of men can become violent.

From the moment he knows you want a divorce he will move money around in order to have to pay you less. You may be entitled to spousal maintenance so you may not need to work much if at all until your children are adults. The first step is legal advice before you say a word to anyone else.

www.ribetmyles.co.uk/news/high-net-worth-divorce#:~:text=High%20net%20worth%20divorces%20often,when%20determining%20the%20financial%20settlement.

If there is not abuse and is too miserable for you. I would be pragmatic and wait until the youngest kid is18. You can put the ducks in a row and take your time. Three kids are hard work on your own with other responsibilities. I have seen this and how the kids turned badly but of course some people do it anyway. Only to find the kids resent leaving the family home and comforts.

If he earns that much and there are loads of assets you’ll hardly struggle.

and all the others saying stay with him etc - vile. If you don’t love him and don’t want to be with him, grow a pair, start divorce, get your settlement then pay your own way. To stay fit money and easy life is awful

So much depends on what type of man he is...would he put the interests of the children first or would he want to punish you?

You haven't mentioned ages of the DC and this is relevant.

If there is income & assets you are likely to be rehoused adequately and pensions shared so it's unlikely you will do without. Likely to be lower standard of living now but not poverty.

Do you have a Will? If so is that a place to start? Surely you would have to know what financial position you or the DC would be in if he died.

I agree with others though...could the issue be your mid life dissatisfaction? I can't imagine not having a purpose outside of a home, especially as the DC gets older. Also women tend to seek "meaning" as they enter the menopause.