Does anyone regret divorce?

[malazzie]

Hi there, I'm 40 and my husband has just left. It's been toxic for a long time but I do love him and he is still my best friend. We have two boys together 17 and 10. I have been left with very low self esteem. I have a good job but rely on him for alot of stuff. He tells me that everything is my fault and if I could just stop whining, nagging, being negative and having more sex (he says intimacy) then he will stay and we can be happy. He has been calling me names in front of the children for some time now and regularly threatens to leave. Approx every one to two months for the last maybe 4 years? I beg and cry and he stays as long as I change. So this cycle has left me with absolutely zero self esteem because I can't make it work and I'm just not good enough. The sex gets worse because I just don't feel comfortable or safe. He tells me he will be able to get a new girlfriend no problem and that I bring nothing to the relationship and I have no good qualities. Im trying so hard not to beg this time. I actually did ask him to leave the house this time as he normally doesn't when he threatens to leave I just sleep on the sofa until he takes me back. I asked him to leave because he called me a "controlling cunt" in front of my son. He said if he leaves the house he won't be coming back. He left on Saturday. I've done everything for the kids since then and I'm struggling. I feel terrible about myself and anxious. Does anyone have any tips for the early days? I'm journaling, I've booked a counselling session and I've started Sertraline. I am trying to make small lists to tick off so I keep busy. I'm keeping it together around the kids and I've been proud of that so far.
Im so worried about how hard this is going to be? Especially as I don't think he will be the easiest person to have as an ex. Will I be okay? Some positive divorce stories will be great :) I'm just wondering if I should still try and make this work because I'll regret it in the future x

The first night ds & I moved into our own home it felt like the world had gone from black & white to colour. No treading on eggshells, no listening to exh watching endless episodes of Star Treck, I could read in bed with no huffing & puffing at the side of me because he hated it, no clearing up after him. Look to the future & think how good it will be, you are looking through rose tinted spectacles at the moment, he will never change, you have done the hardest bit, it will get better.

FFS. You say he's your best friend. Then you say:

"He tells me that everything is my fault and if I could just stop whining, nagging, being negative and having more sex (he says intimacy) then he will stay and we can be happy. He has been calling me names in front of the children for some time now and regularly threatens to leave"

Is that how you would treat a best friend? What would you say to your child if their "best friend" treated them like that? If you were your child what would you say to you?

The only thing I regretted was not leaving sooner.

I stayed longer than I should have done because:

• I didn't want to be a single mum
• I didn't want to be on my own
• I thought he would change
• I thought it was better for the DC

Over 3 years since I left, and it was the best thing I did for that relationship. I have wonderful DC who have a better relationship with both parents than they ever would had we stayed together, I own a lovely house and live a good life. I would like to meet a nice man, but that will hopefully come some time in the future.

Oh my gosh, OP, he's a horrible gaslighting abusive piece of shit. The reason you're still crawling after him is that you're probably trauma bonded. In addition to the sertraline please seek counseling to help you understand why you still feel you need him, because you really really don't. Gather around you your good friends and family and weather this out. Resolve not to get in touch with him for at least 2 weeks and see how you feel at the end of it.

Please don't go back. How dare he demand that. He's broken your confidence entirely, but it kind of undermines whether you were that bad in bed if he wants more of it? Start to note the contractions and use that as evidence for yourself that he is lying, as it all makes no sense together. I hope you have real life friends who can give you a hug and hold a mirror so you can see how cruel and abusive he is being. Sending virtual hugs

My ExH definitely regrets divorcing me for OW.

That relationship crashed and burnt, as did all his subsequent relationships including his 2nd marriage. So many damaged young 'step' children in the mix at his end, too.

Our adult DC can't stand him (nothing to do with me - they're late 20s), his self-pitying whining is off the scale, and he's on a final police warning not to contact me ever again as it amounts to harassment.

Stay strong, OP. I did, I moved on, and I'm happy without him.

Please ask me and others for any practical advice about the house etc when you're ready. Meanwhile, look up solicitors and start making a list.

Be strong op. You will be thankful in a years time. Otherwise it's just a life of a misery. He sounds vile

I got as far as 'controlling cunt'
Leave him
You will not regret it.
G
He is awful and treating you appallingly.
Your only regret will be that you didn't divorce sooner.

I think it's easier to move on when the person is such an obviously repulsive manipulative cunt.

Seriously. Give your head a wobble. Imagine one of your ds saying these things to a woman.

Please get counselling to help you rebuild yourself this mad has bullied you

My wife was a bit like (but not as bad as) your husband. She had an affair and left and I was devastated. 18 months on and with a little distance from that time, although I'm still very sad that my marriage ended and our child now shuttles between our homes, I can see that had we stayed together, whatever I did, she wouldn't have changed.

I'm not seeing anyone else (yet) but if/when I do meet someone, I have learned so much from this breakup. Whatever new relationship I have, I think will be healthier and more fulfilling - and if it isn't, I won't struggle to end it!

Healing and developing perspective on the relationship takes time. An unwanted breakup is traumatic. Give yourself time to process it.

Thanks all. I've been pretty good not contacting him apart from I've needed some help with childcare for work which he has done. I feel really anxious and not sleeping well but I am trying to eat, run and read and I've still been going to work where my colleagues have been amazing.
I just find it absolutely extraordinary that I have ended up in this position. I never dreamt in a million years I'd let myself be treated this way! It's crazy what it does to you!

Your best friend wouldn't treat you like this.

You've totally got this. Deep down I feel you know this relationship isn't right.

Focus on you. Join the gym. Get active. You will not regret this.

He may well find someone else but anyone who calls you a c**t in front of your children really is no catch at all.