Does anyone regret divorce?

[malazzie]

Hi there, I'm 40 and my husband has just left. It's been toxic for a long time but I do love him and he is still my best friend. We have two boys together 17 and 10. I have been left with very low self esteem. I have a good job but rely on him for alot of stuff. He tells me that everything is my fault and if I could just stop whining, nagging, being negative and having more sex (he says intimacy) then he will stay and we can be happy. He has been calling me names in front of the children for some time now and regularly threatens to leave. Approx every one to two months for the last maybe 4 years? I beg and cry and he stays as long as I change. So this cycle has left me with absolutely zero self esteem because I can't make it work and I'm just not good enough. The sex gets worse because I just don't feel comfortable or safe. He tells me he will be able to get a new girlfriend no problem and that I bring nothing to the relationship and I have no good qualities. Im trying so hard not to beg this time. I actually did ask him to leave the house this time as he normally doesn't when he threatens to leave I just sleep on the sofa until he takes me back. I asked him to leave because he called me a "controlling cunt" in front of my son. He said if he leaves the house he won't be coming back. He left on Saturday. I've done everything for the kids since then and I'm struggling. I feel terrible about myself and anxious. Does anyone have any tips for the early days? I'm journaling, I've booked a counselling session and I've started Sertraline. I am trying to make small lists to tick off so I keep busy. I'm keeping it together around the kids and I've been proud of that so far.
Im so worried about how hard this is going to be? Especially as I don't think he will be the easiest person to have as an ex. Will I be okay? Some positive divorce stories will be great :) I'm just wondering if I should still try and make this work because I'll regret it in the future x

You will be a million timeshappier in a year or so. Grit your teeth and see it through. The counselling should help . Good luck and a big hug

I don't know anyone (including myself) who regretted divorcing. Your husband sounds vile and toxic.

Believe me, you'll be much happier without him in the long run. He is deeply unpleasant. He's not your best friend.

Sending you a big virtual hug. The worst part is over, he’s left and that’s it. Focus on moving forward. You’ll be happier and your boys don’t deserve to listen to that abuse! X

Do NOT go back on this. This is the best thing that could happen. You will be so much happier soon.

Your husband sounds horrible.

Like yours, mine put me down regularly and whittled away my self confidence.

I have zero regrets about leaving and divorcing

Divorce is a stressful process (think a very difficult house move to get an idea) but the stress fades, and you'll feel a huge weight lifted from you. A difficult ex is always better than a difficult spouse!

Christ no.

I remember the wave of relief that I didn't have to put up with his nonsense any more though!

How long will it take to feel better? I'm finding it so hard not to call and beg him. I don't even know why? He's been horrible. Why am I even wanting him back?

He’s awful OP and you deserve so much more. Get him out the door and don’t let him back. Sod him wanting to come back.

You won’t regret this divorce. He’s worn you down over time and trained you to accept his behaviour. He will keep on grinding you down and his behaviour will get progressively worse.

Your children need to see you being strong and assertive. This is an awful environment for them and seeing you accepting this behaviour is undermining their sense of security and safety.

It’s only been 3 days since he left it’s going to take time, your 17 yr old will be fine without lots of attention at the moment concentrate on your 10 yr old and do the bare minimum to get through the day. Please reach out to any family or friends you have, they probably hate him for the way he has been treating you, if they don’t know tell them now and include all the worst details, it will help you to have to speak it all out loud and they will want to do all they can to stop you begging him to come back. Block him on all social media, can someone come over and take your phone off you so you don’t feel tempted to contact him. Try and think if he was that bad before he left how much worse is he going to get if you do succeed at begging him to come back, it’ll be no holds barred for him then, what if he starts on your children next. Post here every time you feel tempted to contact him, let MN be a support for you. YOU CAN DO THIS.

I had the rug pulled from under me, and the only regret I have is that I wasn't given the opportunity to work on my marriage, or even understand wtf had just happened (OW came out in the end!).

I'm still working through things but happy no longer be married to someone who discarded me so easily.

Oh you poor thing.

Give your tablets a chance to kick in.

This despicable man has been a role model of how to treat women - look at the things he is showing your children

Do you want your son to think this is how he should treat women?

In times of weakness you need to think of your children and use that thought as a means to fuel your courage

This man is abusive and dysfunctional he will never change

There is a book called ‘too good to leave, too bad to stay’ and it can help with this ambivalence. I don’t think you would ever regret getting away from abuse. Good luck x

Ended up being a pathetic loser and calling him this am....he said I will never be enough for him and having sex with me is like having sex with a corpse. Also that he can have any good times we have had with any girl. There's nothing special about me. We have been together for 23 years and have two kids together. Why on earth would anyone say such awful things. I'm an hour late for work because I can't stop crying

Oh but he did say he might come back if I give him more "intimacy" and stop being a "whining, controlling cunt"

Please don’t beg him to come back . Protect your dignity. The cycle will just repeat itself . It’s a hard time but you will get through it with help from family /friends and come out fighting. I have been there and I promise you that in time you will feel better and stronger . He is an abusive twat and you need to make yourself feel angry with him. Have you got a good friend who will support you? Good luck

My god, you’re still so young. At 40 you’ve got so much ahead of you to enjoy. Please don’t take him back.

He’s broken down your self-esteem on purpose. Say a big “fuck him” and build it back up. Focus on your good career, your children, your friends and colleagues.

This is honestly the perfect time to get away from him. Your kids are getting more independent, you’re still a good age to meet a new partner (if you want). It would be so much harder if you were in your fifties or sixties and trying to split. You’ve made the right choice, you just need to stick with it.

Please don’t contact him again, it just gives him an excuse to verbally abuse you again and again, even you must see that he’s getting more and more extreme, it sounds like he really has no kindness left in him at all. Could you write down some of the awful things he has said to you and look at the list every time you feel tempted to contact him?

Yeah I wrote it all down this morning before I managed to make it into work. We own a house together. I can't afford it and he's a builder who is now refusing to help finish it so we can sell it. Fml. Thanks for all your replies I'm leaving this thread so I can come back to it when I need strength x

@malazzie take care of yourself x I realised that I never actually answered your question. I separated from my baby’s father when he was 4 months old it was in the late 80’s so much more of a stigma being a single parent then. He was not a good man and having my child gave me the strength to split up with him. He did me a favour and disappeared for years never wanted to see his child ( I never wanted money from him I had very good reasons) I did it on my own for 3 years and then met my DH who was the best stepdad. No I never regretted separating from my ex even if I did have the odd wobbly moment, my child needed me to step up and that’s what I did.

You'll be much much more ok without him. Trust me. This is the only option and it will get harder, then better. Keep your nerve. Don't wobble. Keep primary residency of the kids. Up the dose or sertraline/switch off it isn't working but remember it makes people feel worse initially. He was a horrible person to be with and he'll continue to be horrible. Detach. He is losing power.

I was the one who ended things with my husband. He tortured me for years with his verbal & emotional abuse.

Once I said No More and filed, I kept a journal and wrote all my feelings in there which really helped. I've also had counselling through work. He went off to live elsewhere and though I still have the stress of selling our joint home (it's been on the market for months) and wondering where I'll live, my life is far, far calmer now than it used to be.

I'm over a year in now, and I'm glad he's gone. I have no interest in finding anyone new. I can eat what I want, go where I want, wear what I want, do what I want and not have him questioning my choices constantly or telling me how crap a human being I am.

I did doubt in the early days and there were some seperation anxiety issues but I've settled down a lot. It's a process. It's full of snotty tears and feelings of regret and OMG WHAT AM I DOING but in the end it's better, in the end. Stick at it, you will be okay eventually.

You deserve better OP, you really do. Even if you don't believe it right now, we do. You deserve the support and kindness of someone who loves you the way you deserve. There is only one you in this world and if he isn't grateful for you than it is his loss. It sucks now, but he will be the one filled with regret later.

I promise you two things op.

You are better off without him, he is seriously abusive. Your kids will grow up thinking this is normal.

And secondly, if you have him back he will know he can treat you even worse.

Please don't. Contact women's aid and ask about the freedom program.

You're missing him because your body is in shock. Read about trauma bonding and see if thst rings any bells.

Take care.

Never looked back