How do I tell my husband

[Pennyduke564]

How do I tell my husband that I am leaving him and the martial house and taking the youngest son

Be brief, don’t give much notice, is there any chance he will kick off? If so do it in a public place.

Be factual, don’t give anything other than brief information. What’s your plan regards child contact?

He has nothing to do with our youngest son and he has everything to do with the other 3 children so that is why I am taking the youngest son and the other 3 are staying with him the other 3 do not have any thinking to do with the youngest

We have been married for 30 years as well

Please consider very, very carefully leaving your 3 eldest children with your STBX. This could have a crushing impact on their mental health as they could see this as you abandoning them, in favour of their younger sib. It could ruin your relationship with them for ever.

That's unless they are in their 20s plus, and even then please be completely open with them

How old are the other three children and why are you leaving them with your husband... are you planning on visiting them regularly? What do you mean the other children don't have any thinking to do with the youngest? Sorry so many questions I'm confused

I would sit down and discuss why you're splitting up and why you're taking one child and not the rest and make a plan of how you're going to be visiting (or not). Then you'll need to explain to the children together.

Because my husband is always starting arguments with me and blaming me for anything and everything and the older children take his side over mine all 4 children are 16 and 15 and 14 and 10

Do it quietly, your own way and only when you are ready.
And don't make any hasty decisions.
Good luck.

Sorry, but taking one child out of four without discussion sounds like a terrible idea. You should at least sit dawn with the children and ask them what they want. You may find they all want to go with you.

Also be aware that your husband can ask for the 10yo to be resident with him 50% of the time, and is quite likely to be granted that.

Get precious stuff out of the house - your jewellery, heirlooms, Mac, anything he might take or break

Have a bag packed ready for overnight elsewhere and set up somewhere to go.

Sit him down and tell him straight, give him an hour to say 'no BUT'.

Use the broken record technique - sorry I just don't love you, I'm really sorry, I just don't love you anymore, I don't want to because I no loner love you.

When the hour is up, get out and turn your phone off.

Please don't leave the older three. They will never forget their mum left them.

It occurs to me that the older 3 might be "siding" with your H, their D as a fear response.

This sounds like a really bad idea. Are you sure you want to walk out on three of your children? I doubt your 10 year old will appreciate being separated from his sibling either. Unless you are in danger - there must be a better way to separate.

Please don't separate the kids, my Great Aunt took her youngest and left her two DD, this had irreparable damage to them. They took over almost as housewives cooking and cleaning etc, they've had numerous failed relationships and been in abusive relationships. Their self esteem is low.

Please remember they are still children and don't always know who's in the 'right'. It can be hard if your husband is also manipulative.

If you leave them now then they'll always think you just left them. I would rethink leaving the 3 children esp if you are doing it because they are picking sides.

Do not leave the older 3 . If they are siding with your H it is probably as a defence mechanism called fawning... where children especially side, do things to appease the most threatening/ riskiest parent as they are reducing the risk of further eruptions ... they are constantly in a state of needing to be safe .

Obviously this is on a subconscious level , they are not aware why they are doing it , they just need to feel safe .

Is there anyway you can make him leave ? Or talk to your children about your intention to leave ? But don't mention anything about taking the younger one.

This needs careful thought not a reactive response as your actions will have far reaching effects .

Yes, this.

It's not right to take one child and leave the others. You need a better plan OP

My mum left the family home and our dad and moved in with her bf.

We could go and stay over.

Would you class this as leaving us? We were 12-16.

Genuine question as I didn't think it was?

You can't do this OP.

This will cause a huge rift between you and your 3 older children.

I would , I can't imagine leaving my DD ever. if I went she would come with me or I wouldn't leave at all simple as that.

Horrible idea OP- the other 3 are just teenagers! How sad you're even thinking of this.
Better to stay at home with all of them and don't do any big dramatic exits or announcements until you and STBXH have had chance to work everything out regarding access so all 4 kids have the full information at the same time together.
You'll have to stay put for a while I'm afraid unless you don't care about f*cking up your kids.
The 10 yo would have permanent guilt as well that you'd taken him and not the others and would probably rightly blame you for screwing up their sibling relationship.
Not a good plan!

My husband is always starting arguments with me in front of the them all and the older ones stick up for him and he has been physically abusive to me in front of the youngest son that is why I am taking the youngest son and not the older children because they all blame me for anything and everything and so does my husband

They are just children, your children. By all means leave, but if you leave them too you kiss goodbye to any chance of a good relationship with them and risk causing them damage. There are many different reasons why they might defend him and a fair few will be because they feel their relationship with you is secure and safe, and they view him as the volatile one and subconsciously are appeasing him. Please don't remove their security, which you are,
Once we get to be adults we really can't come out with the taking sides thing. It doesn't work once past the age of 12.
I'd really urge you to reconsider this. Make him leave or leave and take all of them.